testing 1, 2, 3, testing...

Instead of getting better about updating this blog I have gotten completely worse - yikes! Well over a year now since my last post, which I was hoping would have been a push towards a more balanced posting regime. C'est la vie. It has been exactly 8-1/2 months since I completed my graduate studies, Maya is now 21 months old, today is our four year anniversary and on the 30th I will be turning 30. Kind of a momentous moment in life. I remember when my brother turned 30 I thought he was sooo old, granted I was nearly 8 years younger, so to fathom 30 at 22 was out of this world. Now I am quickly approaching this milestone myself and I am left to wonder where has the time gone -- really? I feel just last year I turned 21, who doesn't? I definitely have not reached my pinnacle as of yet, but I do feel good about it. I feel accomplished in the fact I conquered and reached a few major challenges and dreams - finishing architecture school alive, traveling the world, serving as a peace corps volunteer, finding my life partner, having a baby that I never thought I could have, going back to school and getting my master's degree in something that I actually enjoyed, hitting rock bottom with my family and working to rebuild a more genuine relationship with them, watching my daughter grow up and getting to spend the first two years of her life with her non-stop, ... I've been blessed beyond measure and for that I am just overjoyed about -- even just listing these things I feel God's love in all of it, very humbling.

It hasn't felt like that this past year -- trials and tribulations have been tenfold, a real earth shattering experience. I have been on the constant job hunt since December 2013 with no luck, other than great interviews that went nowhere and positions that were ridiculous to conceive with a family and a baby in tow. It has been a struggle to keep going, keep up the hunt, and just give it to God, knowing that in the end He'll have my back and manifest something when it is the right opportunity and the right time. I have given it to prayer over and over again, asking for wisdom, patience and understanding to get through it and those prayers have definitely been answered, maybe not in the way I expected, but yes, they have been answered. I have come to the realization that there has been a neon flashing sign literally in my face this whole time and I have been so desperate to see beyond it that I never took the time to read it. This time has been about making the time with Maya and being there for her -- in my heart I really trust that it has been more about her than me. I have been her constant rock for two years uninterrupted and maybe that was so key in her development or for our bond. Only God knows really. I have just given in to trusting the process and stopped questioning the why's at every turn, and since then such peace has come over me.


In the next week and a half I will be leaving to Washington D.C. for 10 weeks for a Latino Heritage Internship opportunity that I was chosen to work with the National Register of Historic Places. It is bittersweet because I will have to leave Chris and Maya for that time, but it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to finally be applying my skills, networking, and doing me. I have reached the moment of enlightenment -- I'm a total mom. Seriously, for the past week I have been an emotional wreck thinking about leaving my daughter, the void of her presence in my life for that time, missing her 2nd birthday, but then I remember I have done a lot already for her and she'll be just fine. 10 weeks will go by quickly and thank God she's still young that she probably won't remember much about this when she turns 30. One can hope. I think it'll be good for the three of us.

I also think the time will be beneficial for Chris. I do so much for him that I think sometimes he gets too complacent -- expecting I'll always be picking up the slack, which is ok for now considering I don't mind and I'm not working full-time yet, and when I was in school he would never hesitate to help me out. But, as of lately it is getting a little old. Once in a while I would like to know I can rely on him for some things again. It will be good for him to do things for himself to realize all that I do willingly and lovingly without complaining. He says he's dreading grocery shopping the most -- which I would think would be the least of his concerns, but : potaytoe :, : potahtoe:. We've also gone through our share of foundation shuddering events this past year that have been very draining and wearing on our relationship which I think the time away will prove healing and motivating to overcome and move forward. I just pray he will get his priorities in line and realize that choosing to start a life with someone should be mirrored not just in theory but in practice. Too often he unknowingly throws me under the bus for family issues, when I have nothing to do with any of it, and that only further cracks away at our foundation. It is hurtful and makes me feel like I am second rate many times, even though he chose me to be his family. That constant action this past year has made me more disconnected from him and more guarded to avoid a greater and deeper hurt. I know he loves me without question, I just think he needs to face and square away some serious issues that he's conveniently ignoring which are now plaguing our relationship and our family dynamic. It has been a default mode for him in every relationship, so I know it is something that will take great effort on his part. I can only support and encourage -- I cannot and will not force change, it needs to be something he sees and realizes on his own. So, perhaps this time away will provide some food for thought and perspective to overcome.

In saying that, today marks four years since we said "I do." It has been a struggle at times and so amazingly perfect at other times. I think marriage is just that -- a balancing act. Too much of a good thing will 'kill' you. Everything good and worthwhile does not come easy -- we must appreciate the process of the trying times to relish in the sweet times. We have definitely grown in our relationship these past years -- I think there is more room for growth, communication and a clearer delineation of family vs family. Then and only then do I think we have a much better chance at a successful marriage and family dynamic. But, I am hopeful that we can reach that together, unified and strong with guidance and wisdom. I am blessed to have him by my side and to have found someone that is genuine and so scarily in-line with what I believe and how I choose to live my life. To think we've made it this far and neither one of us ever had marriage on our agendas is pretty amazing. I always planned to be single till death, roaming the globe, living life without boundaries, adopting kids along the way and just doing my own thing. To have found somebody who made me rethink all of that was life-changing and inspiring. And four years later I hold no regrets about any of it. So here's to many more years ahead of us -- may they be fulfilling, loving and blessed.

when you least expect it... enjoy the ride

It has been a very busy and crazy rollercoaster of a time since my last post, nearly a year. I still keep my pen and paper near for reflection, just not enough time to log in. So much has happened in my life, changes, shifted priorities, not enough hours in the day... Maya is now 6 months old and doing well, although going through a rough teething phase. She is awe-inspiring and brings so much joy to our lives, as well as those she comes into contact. I've nearly reached the halfway mark in my graduate studies. Just applied for Spring graduation this past week, which seems almost ridiculous, but it's really happening and I'm making it through. So much so that I am now contemplating a PhD in Anthropology somewhere down the line. Never imagined that. It's been a stress but an equal blessing to have this opportunity. I've been craving it for so long and to witness it materialize has been awesome. I've always leaned toward taking the road less walked on out of pure wonder and curiosity of who I will be at the end of it all. Thank God for that, honestly. Knowing the end result before reaching your final destination is pure boredom and hacked programming. It's those unforeseen challenges that really shape who you are meant to be in life.... how you pass through, overcome, acknowledge, perspective gained, et al. all of that aids in real self-discovery. Some days I don't know how I'm surviving, with endless papers, projects and deadlines, Maya, husband, family, creeping anxieties about those things which fall out of my control.... it's all life and at some point God, Jah, Krishna, Allah, offers a way through and with that passing, wisdom and knowledge are shared and everything that's been chaotic suddenly makes sense. Yea there are tough times in life, but we choose it for ourselves one way or another. In the end it makes those sweet moments that much more rewarding. For now I'm reveling in the joy of the small victories... this could be just another lesson I that I needed refreshed. I'm taking note and minding that I appreciate all that this little life has witnessed and survived. Who knows what's ahead and at the end of the day who cares because if you have the mindset to conquer anything and live life fully, it should be pretty darn amazing. I'm grateful for this life and the people who I'm blessed to share it with.  Anything is possible even today. Positivity is powerful and one ounce of it can move mountains and make the world spin. Spread some and witness the possibilities as you explore the path unknown on the journey to discover the real, genuine you.

antibiotics, placenta praevia concerns and a rather uncomfortable pelvic exam

So the follow up concluded all blood work was normal and great... Pre-screenings nixed all risks from our lists... And everything seemed fine, minus one detail: very low lying placenta, which still has a chance too move up as the baby grows and my uterus expands, but for the next 4-6 weeks I am to abstain from any strenuous activity, no lifting of any kind, no sex, no nothing... She wants to run another ultrasound in after said time to check if indeed its moved. If not then we have to be worried with complications arising from placenta praevia. It's all a bit disconcerting... I'm trying not to worry much and just follow orders. Also somehow I've managed to pick up an 'atypical germ' and have been prescribed 3 doses of antibiotic per day for the next week. To top it off, the pelvic exam left me irritated and there's been this uncomfortable pressure, granted I have a baby inside who is fast developing, so I know there's a chance that pressure could be attributed to that as well...but it seems to have been triggered during the exam.

I've been feeling pretty miserable, achy and exhausted since and not to mention the food situation or lack there of today... I've been pretty indifferent to food for years, but since I've been pregnant this indifference has turned to grave disgust. I rather dislike food these days. I don't get cravings, I've had only one, and that was around 4 weeks - I wanted a johnny cake, ever so intensely. Minus that one instance, I've not craved a single food or drink item. It'd help just a bit though; at least I'd know what to eat. Forcing yourself to eat something you have no desire for is frustrating and rather maddening, especially when you are famished... Knowing it's not just you, but also a developing, helpless baby who is relying on your nourishment, is ever more frustrating as you become desperate to fight your indifference to food. Let's just say it's been a long day, I'm tired and hoping tomorrow will be loads better.

ultrasound aftermath

This week has been quite the rollercoaster of emotion... I think with the stress of uncertainty looming, plus no news updates from the DHL online tracker, plus the fact that this day was coming and I wanted only one person by my side, ... Well, it all catapulted into an emotional meltdown today. It's been a rough week regardless and today, seeing the baby, longing so that my husband could have been here to witness with me such an overwhelming joy, I reached my threshold. I am fortunate to have some pretty adaptive parents, it seems... They have been more than supportive and just overall amazing. They got to come in and see the baby, it was all a very moving experience. So much so afterwards I had to run to the bathroom to hide my tears, in attempts to save my reputation... I'm telling you these hormones are no joke.

With the position the baby was in the technician couldn't really tell the gender firsthand.. she tried to get the baby to move but no budging. Finally, she saw a hint that it was a girl... Which, in being completely frank was a little disappointing just because secretly I'd been pining for a boy, and girls scare me.. but I couldn't be happier the baby is healthy and all is well. Girl or boy I'm blessed and I accept with open heart and hands. I melted at the sight of those precious little hands, fingers and adorable feet and toes all curled up inside. Baby's healthy and everything seems fine. More news Monday as I have a follow up with the Dr, more tests and hopefully maybe more insight. Nearing that 5 month hump next week, so just happy that Maya is appearing healthy and that all digits are accounted for...

the fragility of a beating heart

There's no tangible explanation for the emotion which is stirred by the sound of your unborn baby's heartbeat. It's so delicate and seems unreal...that this little being inside is taking form, growing. My heart melted at the tiny, amazing sound yesterday... A reassurance that the baby is healthy and coming along. 4 months, 1 week and 4 days. Looking forward to another sneak preview next week, along with the news of girl vs boy... Extremely excited for my husband to reach soon enough next week, so that we can go through it all together.

i had a dream i was in brooklyn

Back in Brooklyn... never saw this coming. I guess that's why they say, never say never. It's just as I remember it: cold, noisy, congested, gray and no sight of nature for miles. This place is a dream for those who want to live the city life, all bustling and busy, with work and hustling on their minds. For me, it makes me homesick and I long for those rural bushes, glorious sunshine, beautiful beaches and tropicalia at it's best. It's always made worse by the fact I end up alone, in a place I feel no connection. After about a week I was ready to return to Jamaica.. much less after the rush of hormones, stress of uncertainty, and the big void in my heart, which all came to a head and slowly started breaking me down. Too many promises every other day from the Embassy regarding my husband's paperwork, left us both letdown and tragically longing to just see one another, wondering if it would ever happen.

Luckily, just this past week, good news came when we least expected it and when we genuinely needed it... Hoping sooner than later he'll be stateside and we can work through all of this nonsense and uncertainty together. I finally have a doctor appointment this next week... hoping to get all the necessary tests run, along with proper check-ups and learning the knowledge of the baby's gender. Will it be Maya or will it be Noah? And will my husband have to shift from referring to the baby constantly as Noah. There are bets running, he claims he won't have to shift. Asha claims she's getting a sister named Maya, just for her to play with her hair. And Jessie is happy with Noah or Maya, promising to teach them everything he knows. This next week holds much insight.. just practicing some patience in the meantime.

And I'm toying with the idea of finding my way back to Florida, just to be closer to the things that make me happy... NY may be a bit too much of a push, especially with a baby coming. Time will tell and the universe will unfold it's desires...

4 months and counting

Today marks 4 months... Just started to show this little bump this past week... it's growing!