my letter to the universe

i hear you. i am patiently struggling to hear what you have to say, or see what you have to show me. i've received your signs and with each i close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself there is something larger at work here. it's been a most trying time i will tell you. you have been testing me most strategically. at moments of exhaustion it begins to ware on my mind and bother me a bit, but after that second wind i am back up ready to take what you have to give me. i don't want to challenge you, but rather work with you. are all of these things meant to lead me to somewhere? why are there so many doors opening yet they slowly become closed to me? i know it must be for some reason and i don't want to push the veil if i am not meant to touch it. i don't want to force something if it is not meant to be, but as well i don't want to be left behind. i have faith... it's getting dusted off during these moments of trial and tribulation, but my head is held up high and my heart full of love and sincerity. i know who i am, where i have come from and where i wish to go. like a wise man once told me, life is full of problems, it's how we carry on with the solutions that make the difference. i am trying to heed that advice, keeping a positive vibe in all i do, keeping a pure heart, and just being me with every day that passes along. i know all of these things are meant to remind me of what matters most to me and what i care about. i'm trying to do my part and i will keep my wits about me, looking for further clues, but please know i mean no disrespect, i just want to know where this is taking me?

retail, day whatever

so the job is waring a bit... i personally loathe shopping since i was a child, so to work in a retail store is a bit of an oxymoron. the commute itself is draining not to mention standing all day and dealing with disgruntled people. i spend more on gas for that commute than i actually have managed to earn --which i'm still waiting for it to balance out, ... and that speeding ticket really didn't help further that along, i am so far in the hole at the moment i'm trying to grab on to rocks to climb out. but work is work, it's what you make of it. it's been a good experience, learning something different, and being in an environment i would never find myself in... i've met some interesting people from all walks of life, i've laughed most sincerely, fluffed off the nonsense and made it through every day and night. so all in all, it is waring but it's giving my mind a vacation from it's constant analytical mode and from worrying about my life's current position. in the end, we take what we can get and we run with it. the laughter gets me through and when i wake up i thank god i made it to another day.

retail, day one

well, not so bad, everyone complimented me on my smile and laughter. that made me smile and laugh even harder. so all in all a very busy day, but it was filled with most positive vibes, which i needed. so i think it might just end up being a bit therapeutic.. or so i'm hoping. day two tomorrow.

the walls are caving in...

my patience has worn thinner through throughout the years, only distance remedies the situation, but unfortunately it isn't a permanent cure. she throws things in my face and holds it all against me. she doesn't see it, but she does treat me differently from my brother, always has. i've gone to great lengths to gain my independence from her -- that space took a lot of distancing myself from her, but it only makes for awkward and painful reunions... she ends up pushing and trying to overcompensate for lost time and it just pushes me farther away, i've gotten accustomed to being alone, away from them and surviving just fine. i love them, i appreciate all they have done for me, and despite the madness i love her with all of my heart, i just can't deal with her ways and actions. she has also become more ridiculous through the years, more overbearing, controlling, sensitive and doing just about anything for attention.

i've played a parental role for so long that i don't know know any other motion than detached, it's all i can do to survive with her. i try for a second to be myself and she says i've changed; i'm 'different than that sweet, little girl.' i've been someone else my entire life to them. i hid who i was to please and be acceptable. i keep my mouth shut for the most part, smile and go along with it all. but its equally tiring pretending to be someone you aren't. i don't like coming home so much because i have to pretend and if for one second i put my guard down i've 'changed into someone so different,' they 'don't know me,' and my favorite one, 'the world changed me into someone so far removed than who they raised.' now i'm 'malicious' for running off and getting married. i appreciate their concern and love, but they have just blown all of this out of proportion... i understand giving them space for a mourning period, but this is turning into a serious issue. i can't breathe and her actions are just making me want to run further away for longer periods of time.

she goes out of her way to push everything in my face - the sacrifices, the undying love, the sicknesses, the drama... it's all my fault and i'm most ungrateful. in her eyes and mindset the only reason i got married was to kill her... nothing to do with soulmates or love or anything normal like that, she doesn't want to hear about that, it was spite and malice. she refuses to listen, saying she lost her trust in me... um?? if she recalls clearly i never, ever came to her to speak about certain things because since i was a child i had zero trust in her. ironic. she is an emotional wreck with a very closed, critical mindset... it's nearly impossible dealing with her; and i think i actually just gave up hope a long time ago. i do what i need to and move on with my life. i don't want to get old and bitter. i mean as it stands we have had a most superficial relationship for a decade or more... not that i am not to blame either, i know i probably have a lot to do with it as well, but i know for a fact this all started when i was quite young, i held much resentment against her from the time i was little. she is always the victim, she is always dying from something and always drama-ridden.

i chose to live differently quite early on. i chose to experience all life had to offer, not taking what others had to say at face value. we butted heads early on because of this and because she was most over-protective, trying to shelter me from the world, so i went against it to get from under her and catch some fresh air. yet despite all that i'm crazy and disrespectful... i've 'forsaken my parents and gone against god's words.' letting their parents dictate their lives is both of my parents biggest regrets to this day. i refused to be like that. why can't they accept that and move on?

since i got back to the states and all the news leaked out, it's been as if i've died. i'm very much alive and much living life, but since it goes against all they know i am dead to them. why can't we move on -- life is much too short to carry on with all of this nonsense. the only reason i am here, dealing with the madness is because i love her and i want to give this a chance before i leave. if i was sane i wouldn't have come home at all. i find myself walking on her eggshells and having to apologize at every turn, yet she is relentless. i'm growing more tired and exhausted. if she wants a relationship with me then she needs to snap out of it, otherwise i think this is only going to further burn our already frazzled bridge.

empress, gentleman

distance is just a word

even a million miles away, you still manage to make my soul smile.

some doors close, so that others can open

so, things happen for a reason, I'll be the first to attest to that... after 2 weeks of going insane, trying to find funding for germany, nothing came though... nobody would give me the money and there were no other alternatives. i searched high and low, relentlessly, and then i realized there has to be a reason why this isn't working out. After much thought and meditation I have moved on... I had left london open, so as it is, even though ridiculously expensive, it seems that it is what is to be. maybe there is a reason for me to go there... it is only 1 year, it's just as good of a program, if not better than germany and being in london could leave me with a stellar job, considering all the top urban development ngos are founded there. i just finished the loan applications and i feel at peace about it. i mean it will all work out how it is supposed to and i have to let that go and let it be.

my family is still a mess, but i know it will work out one day. i can only be me and i can only be the best i can be, right? so, i am doing it. i am being me. living my life positively and seeking out my goals, dreams and ambitions. i have the love and support of an amazing man, children, family and not to mention my most amazing and supportive friends. so, even a bump in the road like this is unfortunate, but i know in time wounds will mend and we'll be able to hopefully move on. i cannot dwell on that which i cannot control.