i had a dream i was in brooklyn

Back in Brooklyn... never saw this coming. I guess that's why they say, never say never. It's just as I remember it: cold, noisy, congested, gray and no sight of nature for miles. This place is a dream for those who want to live the city life, all bustling and busy, with work and hustling on their minds. For me, it makes me homesick and I long for those rural bushes, glorious sunshine, beautiful beaches and tropicalia at it's best. It's always made worse by the fact I end up alone, in a place I feel no connection. After about a week I was ready to return to Jamaica.. much less after the rush of hormones, stress of uncertainty, and the big void in my heart, which all came to a head and slowly started breaking me down. Too many promises every other day from the Embassy regarding my husband's paperwork, left us both letdown and tragically longing to just see one another, wondering if it would ever happen.

Luckily, just this past week, good news came when we least expected it and when we genuinely needed it... Hoping sooner than later he'll be stateside and we can work through all of this nonsense and uncertainty together. I finally have a doctor appointment this next week... hoping to get all the necessary tests run, along with proper check-ups and learning the knowledge of the baby's gender. Will it be Maya or will it be Noah? And will my husband have to shift from referring to the baby constantly as Noah. There are bets running, he claims he won't have to shift. Asha claims she's getting a sister named Maya, just for her to play with her hair. And Jessie is happy with Noah or Maya, promising to teach them everything he knows. This next week holds much insight.. just practicing some patience in the meantime.

And I'm toying with the idea of finding my way back to Florida, just to be closer to the things that make me happy... NY may be a bit too much of a push, especially with a baby coming. Time will tell and the universe will unfold it's desires...

4 months and counting

Today marks 4 months... Just started to show this little bump this past week... it's growing!

welcome to alabama

Road trip to Alabama.. very long indeed and the temperature keeps dropping. I think I've eaten more hummus than ever in my life on this trip; a bit tricky being a pregnant vegan on a road trip through the south. After about a day and a half of driving we made our way into Birmingham. It was a bit of a rough trip, not all daisies and honeycombs, but we all managed to survive. The time was important.. and necessary. I think it was beneficial for all of us. As soon as we settled in was as soon as we were making our way back. My brother had to work pretty much the entire holiday, so the little time we had was sweet and cherished... for it had been a while since we had joined forces as a family. I realized how much I had missed them and their presence, especially my dad. The trip home was more successful than the one up... in the following week we managed to work through more than we had in the past couple years.

We managed to truly reconnect and grow forward... and when the time came and I decided to head to NY it started sinking in that I wasn't quite ready to let go of them yet. I think that day at the airport was one of the more emotional partings I've ever had with them. My dad had gone to search for a wheelchair to get me through the security line a bit quicker, and in that time I had passed through and I hadn't been able to give him a hug goodbye. It could have been my hormones in overload, along with the stress of traveling alone, and leaving my parents just as things were starting to improve, ... any number of things, but as I waited in line tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. That connection with my father... it became clearer to me later. Having this baby has given me further understanding and desire for connection with my family. The tie with my father, something which can never be broken, but only strengthened is made ever deeper with the promise of a new generation and new life. That moment frozen in my memory and heart. I knew then that my father would go to the end of the world for me and I would run as far as I could to catch him. I realized at that moment the circle of life... in process.

i'll be home for christmas

So after much deliberation, we decided it may be a good idea for me to head up to see my family for the holidays... with so much going on and a baby coming, along with out of control hormones and slight homesickness for the sight of my family, it could be the best idea or it could blow up in my face. Regardless, since I have spent the past two Christmases in Jamaica, it seems only fitting to try and make an effort to reach out and reconnect with them. I'm nervous as it has been a while since I last saw them; I believe it was February last seeing my parents and the previous winter when I had seen my brother and his now wife; much less I have not spoken with them, minus my dad for the past six months. It's life and well, sometimes those uncomfortable things are those we must face as bravely as possible... for the regret would outweigh the anxiety. So I'll be home for Christmas, I'm very much looking forward to seeing all of them yet equally saddened to leave my husband and the kids yet again, especially this year, with the events of last year coming soon into memory. We just hope the Embassy can get their act together and soon enough he'll be free to come up and this nonsense of back and forth and living in two different places will come to an end. Booking my ticket tonight, can't think this anymore otherwise I don't think I will be finding myself going anywhere.

we've got a date.. at the embassy

FINALLY! The date we had all been waiting for tirelessly, finally came... We barely slept the night before, out of fear we would oversleep and anticipation for what would unfold the next day. We stumbled out of bed a bit after one in the morning.. I warmed some food, put on the coffee and tried desperately to get the old man to rise, but it took a few tricks and kicks and eventually he rolled out of bed only to make bets who would be ready first. We headed down the road only to find nobody was ready and we tried to fight off the sleep which was still in our eyes... eventually we got on the road, speedily trying to make reach the Embassy before 7am. We managed a quick sip of coffee at Juici Patty only to scurry our way across the street to join the overwhelming line of hopeful, Jamaican passport holders.

We managed to get in, to join yet another line.. this time we were soon separated as we learned spouses were not allowed to enter the visa immigration department with the applicants. So I waited in the courtyard and he reluctantly went in with an envelope and a half worried look on his face. Hours passed and I had no idea what was going on.. I found my way to the restrooms, only to see his back as I was exiting.. I inconspicuously took the seat next to him, after which he gave me the running update and we patiently waited for his name to be called. About 20 minutes later they called him to a window and so began his very public interview... which lasted about 30-40 minutes and included questions about every aspect of our relationship. Needless to say, all went well and despite his nervousness and apprehension, he appeared ever confident. It was with that the interview ended and he was given the OK; only he needed to send in an original signed document and then he could be scheduled again, to drop off his passport, so the visa could be issued.

We made the necessary calls and coordinated for the document to be overnight-ed, so as not to waste any precious time. Disappointed, but thankful, we made the trek home, wishing the stars had been a bit more aligned. We didn't make it back till late and by then we had passed exhaustion. We somehow made it home only to eat a little something and pass out. All in all not hopeless.

8 weeks and counting

So it's official, 8 weeks along and here is the first image of our dear little joy. Everything seems normal, healthy and going along as it should. More testing Monday, till then just trying to take it easy and up my food intake, something which is proving rather challenging.

and baby makes...

On the 10 November 2012, came home from a day in Savanna-La-Mar feeling miserable -- headache, sore throat, fever and just plain sick. If only we knew what was to unfold in the following week... sickness prevailed and left me pretty much bed-ridden with an intense fever, loss of appetite and overall sense of aching and misery and leaving me about 10 pounds lighter. As we came to find out, it was all just the beginning of my body bracing itself for the start of a new life... Yes! Finally pregnant! We are ecstatic with the news and the whole family is simply overjoyed. I guess timing is everything and when it's right, it will happen. After years of several doctors telling me what a difficulty it would be and that it may never happen, and after trying for quite some time to get nowhere, this was quite a surprise. It's much to early to say much on the news, we have to give it all a bit of time before we can head to the doctor, but surely taking it easy and hoping to shake this perilous sickness which is taking its toll. It's a bit nerve-racking to know this time next year, if all goes well, there will be a new addition and life will be completely different in so many ways -- yet, in the same breath, as with anything new, time will give way to comfort and normalcy. For now, just embracing this momentous and beautiful time in our lives.