when you least expect it... enjoy the ride

It has been a very busy and crazy rollercoaster of a time since my last post, nearly a year. I still keep my pen and paper near for reflection, just not enough time to log in. So much has happened in my life, changes, shifted priorities, not enough hours in the day... Maya is now 6 months old and doing well, although going through a rough teething phase. She is awe-inspiring and brings so much joy to our lives, as well as those she comes into contact. I've nearly reached the halfway mark in my graduate studies. Just applied for Spring graduation this past week, which seems almost ridiculous, but it's really happening and I'm making it through. So much so that I am now contemplating a PhD in Anthropology somewhere down the line. Never imagined that. It's been a stress but an equal blessing to have this opportunity. I've been craving it for so long and to witness it materialize has been awesome. I've always leaned toward taking the road less walked on out of pure wonder and curiosity of who I will be at the end of it all. Thank God for that, honestly. Knowing the end result before reaching your final destination is pure boredom and hacked programming. It's those unforeseen challenges that really shape who you are meant to be in life.... how you pass through, overcome, acknowledge, perspective gained, et al. all of that aids in real self-discovery. Some days I don't know how I'm surviving, with endless papers, projects and deadlines, Maya, husband, family, creeping anxieties about those things which fall out of my control.... it's all life and at some point God, Jah, Krishna, Allah, offers a way through and with that passing, wisdom and knowledge are shared and everything that's been chaotic suddenly makes sense. Yea there are tough times in life, but we choose it for ourselves one way or another. In the end it makes those sweet moments that much more rewarding. For now I'm reveling in the joy of the small victories... this could be just another lesson I that I needed refreshed. I'm taking note and minding that I appreciate all that this little life has witnessed and survived. Who knows what's ahead and at the end of the day who cares because if you have the mindset to conquer anything and live life fully, it should be pretty darn amazing. I'm grateful for this life and the people who I'm blessed to share it with.  Anything is possible even today. Positivity is powerful and one ounce of it can move mountains and make the world spin. Spread some and witness the possibilities as you explore the path unknown on the journey to discover the real, genuine you.

antibiotics, placenta praevia concerns and a rather uncomfortable pelvic exam

So the follow up concluded all blood work was normal and great... Pre-screenings nixed all risks from our lists... And everything seemed fine, minus one detail: very low lying placenta, which still has a chance too move up as the baby grows and my uterus expands, but for the next 4-6 weeks I am to abstain from any strenuous activity, no lifting of any kind, no sex, no nothing... She wants to run another ultrasound in after said time to check if indeed its moved. If not then we have to be worried with complications arising from placenta praevia. It's all a bit disconcerting... I'm trying not to worry much and just follow orders. Also somehow I've managed to pick up an 'atypical germ' and have been prescribed 3 doses of antibiotic per day for the next week. To top it off, the pelvic exam left me irritated and there's been this uncomfortable pressure, granted I have a baby inside who is fast developing, so I know there's a chance that pressure could be attributed to that as well...but it seems to have been triggered during the exam.

I've been feeling pretty miserable, achy and exhausted since and not to mention the food situation or lack there of today... I've been pretty indifferent to food for years, but since I've been pregnant this indifference has turned to grave disgust. I rather dislike food these days. I don't get cravings, I've had only one, and that was around 4 weeks - I wanted a johnny cake, ever so intensely. Minus that one instance, I've not craved a single food or drink item. It'd help just a bit though; at least I'd know what to eat. Forcing yourself to eat something you have no desire for is frustrating and rather maddening, especially when you are famished... Knowing it's not just you, but also a developing, helpless baby who is relying on your nourishment, is ever more frustrating as you become desperate to fight your indifference to food. Let's just say it's been a long day, I'm tired and hoping tomorrow will be loads better.

ultrasound aftermath

This week has been quite the rollercoaster of emotion... I think with the stress of uncertainty looming, plus no news updates from the DHL online tracker, plus the fact that this day was coming and I wanted only one person by my side, ... Well, it all catapulted into an emotional meltdown today. It's been a rough week regardless and today, seeing the baby, longing so that my husband could have been here to witness with me such an overwhelming joy, I reached my threshold. I am fortunate to have some pretty adaptive parents, it seems... They have been more than supportive and just overall amazing. They got to come in and see the baby, it was all a very moving experience. So much so afterwards I had to run to the bathroom to hide my tears, in attempts to save my reputation... I'm telling you these hormones are no joke.

With the position the baby was in the technician couldn't really tell the gender firsthand.. she tried to get the baby to move but no budging. Finally, she saw a hint that it was a girl... Which, in being completely frank was a little disappointing just because secretly I'd been pining for a boy, and girls scare me.. but I couldn't be happier the baby is healthy and all is well. Girl or boy I'm blessed and I accept with open heart and hands. I melted at the sight of those precious little hands, fingers and adorable feet and toes all curled up inside. Baby's healthy and everything seems fine. More news Monday as I have a follow up with the Dr, more tests and hopefully maybe more insight. Nearing that 5 month hump next week, so just happy that Maya is appearing healthy and that all digits are accounted for...

the fragility of a beating heart

There's no tangible explanation for the emotion which is stirred by the sound of your unborn baby's heartbeat. It's so delicate and seems unreal...that this little being inside is taking form, growing. My heart melted at the tiny, amazing sound yesterday... A reassurance that the baby is healthy and coming along. 4 months, 1 week and 4 days. Looking forward to another sneak preview next week, along with the news of girl vs boy... Extremely excited for my husband to reach soon enough next week, so that we can go through it all together.

i had a dream i was in brooklyn

Back in Brooklyn... never saw this coming. I guess that's why they say, never say never. It's just as I remember it: cold, noisy, congested, gray and no sight of nature for miles. This place is a dream for those who want to live the city life, all bustling and busy, with work and hustling on their minds. For me, it makes me homesick and I long for those rural bushes, glorious sunshine, beautiful beaches and tropicalia at it's best. It's always made worse by the fact I end up alone, in a place I feel no connection. After about a week I was ready to return to Jamaica.. much less after the rush of hormones, stress of uncertainty, and the big void in my heart, which all came to a head and slowly started breaking me down. Too many promises every other day from the Embassy regarding my husband's paperwork, left us both letdown and tragically longing to just see one another, wondering if it would ever happen.

Luckily, just this past week, good news came when we least expected it and when we genuinely needed it... Hoping sooner than later he'll be stateside and we can work through all of this nonsense and uncertainty together. I finally have a doctor appointment this next week... hoping to get all the necessary tests run, along with proper check-ups and learning the knowledge of the baby's gender. Will it be Maya or will it be Noah? And will my husband have to shift from referring to the baby constantly as Noah. There are bets running, he claims he won't have to shift. Asha claims she's getting a sister named Maya, just for her to play with her hair. And Jessie is happy with Noah or Maya, promising to teach them everything he knows. This next week holds much insight.. just practicing some patience in the meantime.

And I'm toying with the idea of finding my way back to Florida, just to be closer to the things that make me happy... NY may be a bit too much of a push, especially with a baby coming. Time will tell and the universe will unfold it's desires...

4 months and counting

Today marks 4 months... Just started to show this little bump this past week... it's growing!

welcome to alabama

Road trip to Alabama.. very long indeed and the temperature keeps dropping. I think I've eaten more hummus than ever in my life on this trip; a bit tricky being a pregnant vegan on a road trip through the south. After about a day and a half of driving we made our way into Birmingham. It was a bit of a rough trip, not all daisies and honeycombs, but we all managed to survive. The time was important.. and necessary. I think it was beneficial for all of us. As soon as we settled in was as soon as we were making our way back. My brother had to work pretty much the entire holiday, so the little time we had was sweet and cherished... for it had been a while since we had joined forces as a family. I realized how much I had missed them and their presence, especially my dad. The trip home was more successful than the one up... in the following week we managed to work through more than we had in the past couple years.

We managed to truly reconnect and grow forward... and when the time came and I decided to head to NY it started sinking in that I wasn't quite ready to let go of them yet. I think that day at the airport was one of the more emotional partings I've ever had with them. My dad had gone to search for a wheelchair to get me through the security line a bit quicker, and in that time I had passed through and I hadn't been able to give him a hug goodbye. It could have been my hormones in overload, along with the stress of traveling alone, and leaving my parents just as things were starting to improve, ... any number of things, but as I waited in line tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. That connection with my father... it became clearer to me later. Having this baby has given me further understanding and desire for connection with my family. The tie with my father, something which can never be broken, but only strengthened is made ever deeper with the promise of a new generation and new life. That moment frozen in my memory and heart. I knew then that my father would go to the end of the world for me and I would run as far as I could to catch him. I realized at that moment the circle of life... in process.