character building is so last year...

thanks for your back & forth, undecided, yet decided advice. yes, satan will extend my visit in hell, that's not the problem... it's the whole misery, stress, lack of sleep, flashbacks of the worst past 2 years of my life that are the problem, but i will try to last it out as long as i can. its just more than trying. i understand money is an issue, that's why i'm also looking to end all of this, because it's ending up to be more of an expense & not balanced so much with what i'm getting out of it.

i don't care about character building, i've been character building my entire life, so for me that's never a good excuse. at this moment pc is on my crap list so the thought of showing them my drive doesn't impress me or affect me. plus, who knows what will happen with them. and the idea of knowing in my heart i'm doing something like this makes me sick, just to put on a piece of paper i worked for 6 months? what is 6 months anyway? i don't even care. somehow this just seems stupid, as i'm, well out of school, & technically not "forced" to be put through this. i know i'm nothing, i'm an intern, but then if you are going to put all this responsibility in my lap, that makes me something.. and knowing there are only 3 of us, i know he needs me--- but he has a veryyy hard way to prove it to me. because i feel like crap, alienated, and definitely not so welcome. if anything i will quit, move out, and go to the square and think of a way to beg for money. i can sleep in the park with the drunks.... i'll manage and i'll be happier then i am now. what scares me is, deep down i don't even want to continue to be an architect -- the past 2 years made me realize this & now all of this just reinforces that. so problem is... what do i do now? because i'm not into the "all i care about is money, loading my life down with stress, i don't need friends when i have a project or computer" aspects of this life. depression has sucked me back... maybe this just proves my point, i wasn't made for this. this is not my calling in life. to be a cad henchman.

uhh i have to go to work in 30 min and im dreading it, like i do every morning, when i contemplate being nicked by a car or bus on my way to work -- i hope for anything to happen, because in my mind it will be better & a welcome change from this disaster that is now my life. this is how workaholics are bred. i don't know if staying here will help the economic woes either though? my rent will be covered, but i still have to worry about food & such living expenses. my coworker asked me if i wanted to move in with her... it would be cheaper, it's farther out of town, but it's like 15 min to the office, same as here, just on the opposite side. i don't even know what to do, because my roommate made some remark last week when i was telling her about my job & it's future health/deterioration -- she said normally i would have to give her something like 2 months notice & i'm thinking you live in the center of amsterdam where there is a housing crisis, i'm sure you can manage.... but i explained i might be quitting my job & told her its so random for me, because i don't know what will happen, considering we never signed an official contract binding me to 6 months of living here with stipulations, then i'm exempt... so i dunno. she's nice but as of this weekend i'm leary of her. dutch people are just getting to me... i think its more to do with work making me bitter & hostile... that & the nonstop drama.