maybe my calling is law?

i'm very serious about going for a law degree in international human rights law. i found this great school in sweden a while ago, but its for students with a previous background in law. soo i researched a bit more and found some other universities in hungary, france, and the uk. i think the ones in the uk might be the best, though i would prefer france. for now im looking into getting a job with a human rights organization or some ngo to gain some insight and experience before i sign myself up anywhere for the next 4 years.

this job with amnesty international popped up last night... well 2 jobs, but both researchers based out of london -- 1 concerning the caribbean, the other south america. i have more experience for the caribbean, but i'm up for both. it's a sound job, no previous background stipulations, other than knowing how to research, knowledge of the area, language... yada yada. pay is much better, 31,500 pounds/year with 27 vacation days, and 2 trips to the site/year. plus imagine all i can learn...

also i found an ngo in kerala, india doing commuity development work.... they have a rolling starting time frame, but there's a big start up in may & june this year. it's something like 18pounds to survive/day. i'm still looking around for stuff. i've even contemplated packing up, heading to france, work on my language for a few months & while i'm there try to get involved with some organizations or freelance. i just cant put up with too much more here. this up & down intensity of work is driving me up the wall. there's not enough to make me feel like what i'm doing is worth all this. plus every day i sit there working with my mind telling me i'm not doing anything meaningful... which i know is true, this has no positive purpose. i don't know. ill admit this indecision has been going through my head since my 3rd year at university -- but now it's a bit scary -- to think about starting something new, after i've put so much effort & energy into architecture & it's practically all i've known & lived for so long. at the same time its encouraging to think i don't have to be bound to just this, and maybe through this i can incorporate what i've learned in architecture to something new or even to what i originally wanted.

all i know is i haven't been myself for a long time -- i don't know where i lost myself or my life, but i cant keep dealing with this unhappiness & mountain on my back. i want to find that thing which drives me again. i mean isn't that what it should be about, doing something you really enjoy and want to do. i mean if i keep this up, i think i would rather end up a nun in some indian temple somewhere or a janitor in some rundown hotel. ehh, i just don't see that as where i want to go. i don't want to go through that trapped feeling in something because i have to provide for a family. fuck that, i wont have a family if thats' how its going to be. why should we allow ourselves to be placed in those situations? life is too short to be consumed by stress, unhappiness and worry. i think about it often when i get stressed out or down... is this worth it? -- to sacrifice my life, happiness for something trivial... is this going to matter in the end?