neuroticism

the one thing which got me through my last semester of architecture school was looking ahead. granted, i should have been living every second in the moment, but that moment in time was too stressful and too overwhelming. to make it through i had to put aside my stresses and hang-ups and see the bigger picture. what could i make of this? what good could come from this? petersen and i would sit in the courtyard planning our magnificent lives.. from grad school in the netherlands, to working in the united nations as an ambassador for social housing, to seeking out humanitarian aid projects, ...; just talking about it reinforced my dreams, goals and ideals. it gave me a reason to keep going, fueled my spirit and motivated me to push through. whenever it got too much, we would bring ourselves back to reality and a center of calmness by encouraging each other with our lofty goals and dreams. it was something else to focus on.. something to take away the pressure and the stress. something helping us to see the larger picture.

even now, years after, i resort back to that as a source of comfort. but i fear at times i may not be living every second i can. i fear my life coming to an end before i am ready. i fear the flashbacks and not seeing myself as fully realizing my dreams and goals. i want to fully live every second i have. i want to fully experience joy, pain, happiness, sadness, love, loss, fear and fulfillment. i want to learn as much as i can from others and hopefully pass on something useful to them in exchange. i want to be contributory and instrumental in something larger then myself.

my biggest fear is that i am nothing more than a naive, theoretical utopian, but i want to be more than just a dreamer. i want to see it manifest. i want the idealistic to meet the realistic halfway. possibility?? you tell me...