I missed my flight thanks to delays with my passport and immigration services in Kingston. So now it seems I'm here legally and indefinitely. Must find work because money is going rather fast. I want a family more and more every day that passes... I want a baby. I want to share that with my husband and let our love create something more amazing than ever imaginable. My mind still wonders through the stress which is ever lurking -- my family, work, future, life, wrongs/rights, acceptance, ... but without doubt I know that I'm where I need to be, here with my family. It's been very necessary and really great, filling that large void of missing them and sharing in all the moments. I'm trying to trust that in due time all will unfold to how it is supposed to. My heart is full and happy despite everything. I just wish I could talk with my family without judgment or sarcasm -- freely, to express my genuine contentment. Sure I have my own personal demons: trust, accepting dependence, age, life and all uncertainty that comes along; but I'm trying desperately to stay level and balanced, knowing that it takes time and understanding and patience. When the time is right I suppose..
Thinking of getting back into my art/illustration series, 'Architects with Jet Packs,' and taking advantage of time here in this environment.. also revisiting my children's book idea of short stories/ Caribbean tales. Went back to Kingston yesterday.. yet again. Seems we go every week lately. Took the bus to and from to give my husband a reality check and proper tour of Jamaica. Downtown has turned in amongst itself, rubble and zinc destruction. People have made their own graves and yet they shout and complain against conditions. What to do? Coaster buses are now taken over by young 18+ somethings braced with short tempers, hot heads, rude behaviors and no consideration for others or rules. It's like little bus gangs.. the driver and his 7+ friends, posing as obnoxious conductors. So is this the new ghetto dream? Drive around all day, blasting music with friends and being slightly inconvenienced to hustle passengers? Nobody wants to put forth effort for anything. Things are expected to be so easy and if not, nobody has the time of day. Hustling will soon see its day and it will come down to starve or eat. People are so busy within their microcosms that they seem totally unfazed or affected.. it's culture.. it's life. oh well, it is how it is. Until the system is questioned and dissected, it won't have an opportunity for change. There are valuable lessons all around, even those applicable to every day dilemmas and life. We just need to be more receptive and aware to pick up on them; learning from them as we go along. It's a process and nobody has the answers, much less the 'right' ones. We all just do the best we can with the cards in our hands, hoping for the best.
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