happy birthday mom

roommates

ive been at work indefinitely... and this week started off with a bang, not getting home till midnight last night & 10 something tonight. luckily my bipolar, psycho employer is going to new york on thursday and friday so that will be nice. he took on some project for a 2 day span, hence the deadline & crazy hours... he & i had to come up with a building in literally a day and i spent all day yesterday and today rendering it -- super crappy, but it will give the client an idea visually. now he's all happy again because he knows i can render so i hope he'll keep me on this track because i prefer doing the graphic stuff over mindless autocad. plus i'm faster at it.

this past weekend i got to spend with my friends from italy... though my blessed roommate gave me shit since the day they got in on thursday, i ignored it until she blew up at me for 20 minutes non-stop, then i had to kick them out. i felt so bad because i wanted them to stay, they were my guests, and this girl treated me & talked about them like we were all trash. i don't understand this... how they can do as they please, and yet i am allowed no privileges. do i not pay rent?

character building is so last year...

thanks for your back & forth, undecided, yet decided advice. yes, satan will extend my visit in hell, that's not the problem... it's the whole misery, stress, lack of sleep, flashbacks of the worst past 2 years of my life that are the problem, but i will try to last it out as long as i can. its just more than trying. i understand money is an issue, that's why i'm also looking to end all of this, because it's ending up to be more of an expense & not balanced so much with what i'm getting out of it.

i don't care about character building, i've been character building my entire life, so for me that's never a good excuse. at this moment pc is on my crap list so the thought of showing them my drive doesn't impress me or affect me. plus, who knows what will happen with them. and the idea of knowing in my heart i'm doing something like this makes me sick, just to put on a piece of paper i worked for 6 months? what is 6 months anyway? i don't even care. somehow this just seems stupid, as i'm, well out of school, & technically not "forced" to be put through this. i know i'm nothing, i'm an intern, but then if you are going to put all this responsibility in my lap, that makes me something.. and knowing there are only 3 of us, i know he needs me--- but he has a veryyy hard way to prove it to me. because i feel like crap, alienated, and definitely not so welcome. if anything i will quit, move out, and go to the square and think of a way to beg for money. i can sleep in the park with the drunks.... i'll manage and i'll be happier then i am now. what scares me is, deep down i don't even want to continue to be an architect -- the past 2 years made me realize this & now all of this just reinforces that. so problem is... what do i do now? because i'm not into the "all i care about is money, loading my life down with stress, i don't need friends when i have a project or computer" aspects of this life. depression has sucked me back... maybe this just proves my point, i wasn't made for this. this is not my calling in life. to be a cad henchman.

uhh i have to go to work in 30 min and im dreading it, like i do every morning, when i contemplate being nicked by a car or bus on my way to work -- i hope for anything to happen, because in my mind it will be better & a welcome change from this disaster that is now my life. this is how workaholics are bred. i don't know if staying here will help the economic woes either though? my rent will be covered, but i still have to worry about food & such living expenses. my coworker asked me if i wanted to move in with her... it would be cheaper, it's farther out of town, but it's like 15 min to the office, same as here, just on the opposite side. i don't even know what to do, because my roommate made some remark last week when i was telling her about my job & it's future health/deterioration -- she said normally i would have to give her something like 2 months notice & i'm thinking you live in the center of amsterdam where there is a housing crisis, i'm sure you can manage.... but i explained i might be quitting my job & told her its so random for me, because i don't know what will happen, considering we never signed an official contract binding me to 6 months of living here with stipulations, then i'm exempt... so i dunno. she's nice but as of this weekend i'm leary of her. dutch people are just getting to me... i think its more to do with work making me bitter & hostile... that & the nonstop drama.

can i opt out of the war?

work sucks more & more on a daily basis... i hate life. this isnt life so much as nazi cad camp, where my drill sergeant is my boss.

last straw

my coworker came over for dinner at my house, we talked, then went out for a drink... she has been feeling very down about work too. my boss didn't read the email i wrote him, as it's the only way to get some attention, but i have a meeting with him in the morning at 10am so i hope something can be resolved. i'm just about ready to quit actually, but i want to be frank because i have nothing to lose, it's not like i'm held to this job, but i'm going to be polite-frank. honesty is the best policy so they say. i'm not afraid to become a dish washer...

luckily i got the letter from the dean at fiu for my visa process... its gold, accepted anywhere!

labor tribulations and comfort of old friends

work sucks. i never remember dreaming about being a sweatshop laborer when i grew up, michelin factory worker, yes, just because i had a fascination with the factory and the advertisements (i was 5 or 6). i am going to have to schedule a meeting with the big guy... because i can't put up with this too much longer. i have no life out of work. all my friends are telling me this is insane -- even the dutchies say they would never tolerate this.

in other news i have company coming... i'm very much looking forward to this as i have been so busy lately i rarely get to see anybody. i haven't seen my friends from italy since last year, so i'm very happy to have them come and hang out. they get in on the 5th and are heading in a few days after that, i think, so hopefully i can have some time to spend with them.

c-lab exhibition in weston

caro will be showcasing her designs on 9 march 2008 in weston -- go if you are in the neighborhood!