twenty six

this year i will be 26.

twenty years ago i was a precocious 6 year old in grade 1 at bob jones elementary school.

we lived in greenville, south carolina -- the apartment complex down the road from bi-lo and the michellin factory. my brother and i shared a room and at nights we would talk and share stories.

ten years later i was sweet 16.

we were living in mount dora, florida. i was in grade 11, on the cusp of changing schools for my senior year. it took everything to convince my parents i was going to be just fine. my focus was to succeed in school. have fun, graduate, get into a good university far away from small town florida and travel.

ten years later, here i find myself.

graduated university, traveled, worked abroad, moved several times and currently finishing up a 2 year service in the peace corps. i survived.

when i was young i dreamed about being a missionary to china, it's all i knew about an outlet to travel, so i decided i would do it. i used to read stories of missionaries, their work, lives, experiences, ... it filled my head with wonder and from early i knew i was destined to be a nomad. i was obsessed with asia -- the food, the culture, the people, the customs, ... that was one of the only reasons i ever agreed to go to church, to hear about the visiting missionaries talking about their experiences. religion wasn't a stronghold for me though -- i found missionaries too hypocritical and overbearing. i didn't want to be associated with any of that. i then decided i would become a professional figure skater like my childhood idol, kristi yamaguchi... from the fame i could travel the world. i wasn't destined for that though. i then tried gymnastics, thinking i could be the next nadia, but that also fizzled and faded. we moved a lot, apartment to apartment, state to state, island to country, and vice-versa, ... the idea and image of 'home' changed -- it became what was important, special and a comfort to me. no matter where we found ourselves, what new school i was enrolled in, or ..., i always had home. my confidantes were my journals and my pets. thinking back now, all of my dogs passed on and yet i learned to cope and move on. i've learned to be very strong and resilient -- ready to face any challenge head on; independent to the core. i'm not afraid of challenges, solitude, change, ... i've done it and mastered the ropes and it's become a custom; part of the norm. high school ended and i booked my ticket to france. my savings covered the costs i took care of everything -- my brother suggested i would enjoy volunteering at a workcamp designed to preserve old french cultural sites. i signed up for a month. i jumped in, head first, learned french as fast as possible, made friends and slept in a football stadium. i started smoking that summer. it was a beautiful eye-opening experience. i loved that place and i vowed to return and open a commune.

i backpacked a lot of france or another 2 months, visiting friends i had made from the camp. i decided i wasn't ready to return. i hadn't been accepted to the universities i had pined for and i wasn't interested if it wasn't meant to be. i figured i could apply to school in paris and try to find my way. my parents had other thoughts. they said they supported me, but said financially i'd be on my own . i kept my poker face until a week before classes were to start, i sucked my pride and called my parents to say i thought it over and i wanted to avoid such debt so early -- so i flew back an went to school.

i took every opportunity to travel back and get out. i tried to live meagerly so i could fund these ventures. as school came to an end i wanted out this time it was back to holland. i didn't know a soul. i had volunteered for a month outside amsterdam a year or so before, so i was a bit familiar with the city. i found a room, managed to meet people and had a decent go of things, despite the job. my call finally came in from the peace corps and i was off to jamaica. the past 2 years have given me time to put everything into perspective and help to further pinpoint what i want... it's only been solidified: travel, meaningful work, something creative, something different, full of opportunities to meet change. longtime goal and dream of working with for unhabitat is getting closer and closer. who knows?

i'm on the right path to realizing my goals and it's been 26 years in the making. it's crazy how time has passed by so quickly. when did i really become 26? i feel like i'm still 21, every year. but this is it; this is life, going on with or without your permission. so best advice i can give myself is to jump in, fully. live every moment, don't waste the time away. be present and embrace the good with the bad. don't stress too much, remember the 'helicopter view'... big picture perspective helps keep it in check. laugh often. avoid hypocrites and more so becoming one. if you feel sad, cry, then move on. you will survive. don't over-analyze too much, it's a waste of time, an added stress and usually holds you back from realizing what you desire deep down. enjoy the ups and downs -- a balance is needed to appreciate the true beauty and joy of living. i often wonder how my parents feel, seeing their children as adults? re-evaluating their lives, where they have come from, where they have gone, what they have experienced...

here's to the journey. can't wait to see what's waiting ahead.

3 weeks, 5 days

it's bizarre to think that everything will be completely different in 3 weeks and 5 days. i will no longer be able to look out and see beauty around me, hear the sweet sounds of children , or breathe in the crisp, fresh air. the people that have come to be like my second family and dearest friends will soon be miles away. everything i have come to know, accept and cherish will be taken away in a flash. sure, there is a telephone, but it's nowhere near the same. the things and people who warm my heart and bring smiles and laughter will no longer be so attainable or accessible. i know i'm not exactly the same person i was 2 years ago; so much has been experienced and exchanged. i've grown. i've felt. i've changed. it's expected, especially after such time as 2 years. much of my beliefs and mores have been further solidified... my outlook, further grounded.

routine is what makes things normal and comfortable. it is when routine changes that the world spins. i've lived it my entire life. i know the rules of the game, so i have no doubt that i will find my way, as i always have. it's just it might hurt a little bit more this time; i found something deeper this time around... my eyes are more open and my heart unleashed. i see the world different. things i perhaps once overlooked are now ever clear. i've learned to embrace the here and now, the small moments of life in time. life doesn't wait for anything. we are living it, whether we realize it or not. life doesn't wait for plans to be realized. it keeps going on, though we get distracted by the frivolous stresses. it holds us back from the important things and creates fear. we end up missing out and later on regretting.

we must learn to decipher between the important and the frivolous. seize the moments. we have this life to make the most of it. we can't be so afraid to live and try... if we fail, we get back up, dust ourselves off and try again. we have to be bold and confident, ready to face the world and make the most of it. things happen for a reason, if we are open to it we can see the hints, and clues, if not we get bypassed. we have to leave space. sometimes we get too sidetracked and we miss the 'real' things.

it's not every day you get the opportunity to meet somebody with whom you have such a connection. someone you feel you have known all of your life. someone who loves you as much if not more than the amount you love them. someone you can be yourself with, no fuss, no muss. someone who makes you feel home and love with one touch or embrace. the sound of their voice, or their scent, or the glimpse of their face makes you shine like the rays of the sun. someone who makes you a better person and reinforces even the trivial emotions and thoughts you try to hide from the world. yes, this is life: right here, right now, as i write this and even later on when i read this over.

catch the signals. don't let it pass you by. don't let others hold you back and miss out (because they are blinded). if it is meant to be, it will happen, something will present itself and an effort can be made and strength can be found. what will be, will be and we must learn to live and let life and love take it's course.

blue moon

he stopped,
took me in his arms,
stared deep into my eyes
and said he was looking for a word
more profound and deeper than i love you...
it wasn't enough.

he pulled me tighter and closer,
whispered he adored me
and kissed me.

we looked at the moon shining so gloriously
and he said it was for us.

goosebumps and butterflies,
still there,
nearly two years later.

nature

nature is at the root of everything...
life and the occurrences which accompany it.
nature dictates what happens and what is to be.
it regulates.
finds a happy balance between good and bad,
sweet and sour,
pain and joy,
love and heartbreak,
anger and kindness,
peace and war,
creation and destruction.

things happen for reasons unknown to us,
but all at the discretion and certainty of nature.
we can't control the path of nature;
we are mere vehicles in the cycle.
we either remain open so as not to miss the signs
or
we get too caught up and ignore them and in the process,
miss the experiences nature offers to us.
but,
it's always there,
a few steps before us...
we just need to pay more attention.

we can take comfort in nature,
knowing many things are bigger than us,
there is little we can do
and we must strive to just keep our heads up
and not get too knocked down by what's coming.

everything has a reason and a purpose,
though we may never until later.
stress antagonizes nature,
and it works against 'letting things be and happen.'
in these moments of great uncertainty,
we can take refuge in nature
and if we work with nature we can survive
and gain strength and knowledge.
it's a process...

moment : emotion

one glance, one touch, three words.
love deeply felt and exchanged.
time flying past, thoughts racing.
desperate to savor each fleeting moment.
so many obstacles, yet here we find ourselves.
day in, day out.
i kept catching him staring...
he tried so hard to pretend he wasn't.
it broke my heart even more.
i fought the tears,
but so they found their way out,
burning ever so much with every drop.
i tried hard to capture the moment...
capture his scent, his touch, his eyes, the emotion.
he held me so tightly,
gazing deeply and taking in his own moment.
i know he was playing strong and brave,
not wanting to let his guard down,
look vulnerable.
his eyes showing his genuine, caring heart;
a quick peek inside.
we laid there, locked in each others' embrace.

the soul lies deep within

there is no greater feeling than to be locked in his gaze and his embrace.
this love is inexplicable...
a beautiful challenge.
he notices the smallest details and keeps them locked away in his memories.
i find myself seeking refuge in my dreams;
they are filled with the possibilities of what could/might be;
they give me hope --
which could be blinded love and empty hope.
a sad, naive concept.
have i become a blinded little girl,
lost in false hopes?
overcome by passion?
is this for real?
or just a passionate overwhelmence?
i find myself longing for him,
his touch,
his embrace,
his presence.
i love to gaze into his soul and hear of his passions,
desires and dreams.
i have witnessed his growth and maturity,
the seriousness of his ways and actions,
...
his perspective has altered;
things are lining up.
love is a blurring force of nature.
i keep finding myself trying to keep balanced and level-headed.
i don't want to get too swept up and then find myself falling hard,
so hard in fact that i won't be able to be the same.
i've suffered before and found myself struggling to try again,
hesitant to let myself be vulnerable again.
but without taking a risk and jumping in,
one would never know what could be,
and so comes the good with the bad,
for that is the beauty of life.

home

every trip home is a rude awakening,
marked with guilt, grief and frustration.
i appreciate the time home,
but it's always foreshadowed by something.

i get that uneasy feeling and flashbacks to my youth...
(and it never really feels like home unless everyone is present).

this past time at home was a bit over the top,
not that most times aren't,
but in a different kind of way.
it seemed like we were all so disconnected from one another.
all strangers pretending we knew each other.
there wasn't much to talk about during the lulls
and it was stark silence except for meaningless fillers.

i don't get it.
when did we all become like this?
we're a family and yet we act least like a functioning family...
perhaps functioning isn't so fair a term to use,
but it's the best i can do at the moment.
it's emotionally draining.
i feel like i have to be someone else to please everyone
and not talk or god forbid i offend and piss everyone off.
so, i turn into a silent mute who just watches everything and everyone.
i try not to offend.
i try to prove my genuine,
undying love,
and,
above all,
i try to keep everyone happy.

if we could all see and accept that we are merely humans,
trying to make sense of this thing called life,
and that we're in it together,
well,
i feel we'd have a better chance.
we have somehow been connected together,
probably for a reason,
whether to help one another,
or for some invisible and unknown reason.
we should strive to encourage one another
and build one another up when we fall on hard times...
instead we dwell on the negatives and let it hold us back.