sleep patterns or that which the dawn brings about...

4:00am

what is it that stirs me from my sleep at such a time?

lately the action follows through like clockwork....

no matter the deepest of sleep where i may be found,

something triggers my internal alarm and i am nudged rudely awake;

left only to try and find my way back to that well-hidden, calming rest.

my mind afloat,

running through thoughts of the day,

listening to the city buzzing about outside,

i see the spaces of the sidewalks and the streets in my visions,

my eyes grow heavier and heavier,

again i am lulled back to the land of sheep.

7:00am

the sun peers in through the pane,

almost grabbing at my eyelashes playfully

and i fight to run the sleep from my lazy eyes...

the cold air leaking in from the window above my head,

tempts me to further burrow and hide deeper under the covers,

seeking refuge and warmth from the elements which await my presence.

7:30am

time is running along without me,

irked by this, i crawl out from the enveloping warmth and comfort...

i find my way to the startling reality of a cold shower,

i'm reminded a new day awaits,

one in which new possibilities are lurking about,

waiting to be discovered and seized...

like clockwork the phone rings,

i am met with a familiar voice,

(one which usually wakes me if i am so fortunate).

beauty takes me in an embrace met with laughter

and the world,

despite the looming uncertainties,

seems so hopeful and joyful.

this is what it's about...

those moments.

through that i am armed to face whatever may be laid out before me,

confidently,

humorously,

and delightfully...

making the most of any and every situation;

for i chose to see beauty in all,

i don't have time for the negative drawbacks.

and the day carries on....

some may be more trying than others,

but i know there is greatness within,

and i owe it to myself to seize it;

to manifest it;

to live the life i dream.

perspective

it's a grand thing, perspective.

it reminds you a bit frankly to be grateful,

to be humble,

to live most lovingly and honestly.

it has been an ever-important guide for me,

getting me through adolescence,

uncertainties,

and in general it's been just a good companion in life.

it's given me wisdom when i've sought it,

peace of mind when i'm stressed,

and clarity when i loose my way.

it's played a major role in my unveiling--

i know my time will soon come,

but i detest thinking about it,

for i love the joys and beauty which only life can bring about..

a flower blooming,

a baby's laughter,

a rain shower,

washing away the what was and leaving something new...

leaves changing,

yes, ok, these cycles are all around,

constant reminders of the natural process,

yet simultaneously, they add bits of light here and there;

perspective shining ever bright,

a reminder that impermanence abounds.

so we must take it for what it is,

these cues...

and try to apply it in our lives,

our thinking...

try it as an exercise and see what it's all about.

who knows how it may affect you?

in those moments of grief, remember

you are beautiful, strong, and inspiring.

you are my dream and my reality.

how did it come to be so?

for this love i have discovered is most breathtaking and amazing.

i know i can't be there and i'm sorry for that,

but i'm here and trust me anything in my power i could do, i would.

i don't have the words..

it's still something i'm trying to get my head around,

all i can say is take refuge in that which is larger than us.

we'll get through it all, for this too shall pass.

keep shining most bright.

7 months

7 months..

it's been a long time.

it's been a long time in a different environment.

it's been a long time away from him.

it's been a long time of phone calls.

it's been a long time of love separated.

it's been a long time of hope.

it's been a long time of faith.

it's been a long time of striving to rise above.

it's been a long time of longing.

so many emotions, feelings, moments..

they have all been counting down to this very place in time.

i couldn't sleep...

i was so anxious,

mainly to see his face.

7 months is a long time.

i laid there awake,

staring out the window to the glowing moon lurking above.

it was like some nights when i grew lonely,

i would recount the moments --

laughter,

joy,

sweetness,

fragility,

beauty,

...

quickly the anxiousness dissipated,

and i managed to fall into that dreamy state.

the next morning i ended up on an endless hunt,

i walked all over in search of a post office,

only finding new roads i had never traversed,

or dead ends leading to nowhere.

hours,

walking with purpose,

yet finding myself lost and cold and aimless.

within seconds of giving into discomfort and frustration,

i stumbled directly upon it.

isn't it funny i thought to myself,

i ran through every street,

of every neighborhood,

and yet i couldn't find it;

only as i am on my last hope does it show itself.

i attempted to backtrack home,

quickly realizing my time had flown by,

remembering i still needed to pack.

i made it somehow to the airport,

despite some issues with the train...

i sat there waiting to board,

realizing i still had a long way to go,

even though it seemed so close at hand.

the little sleep from the night before was met with a night at the miami airport,

wide awake,

freezing,

trying to find relief under the comfort of my jacket.

i managed to catch an hour here or there,

clinging to my legs,

hunched and leaning on my bag.

it was going to be a very long day indeed.

the phone calls counted down the looming time..

we were like giddy children,

longing for that much anticipated moment.

i don't know how it all happened,

it wasn't how i had imagined,

i had been waiting and i decided to hit the atm,

as i was fighting with the bag and the door,

an arm appeared...

a familiar face,

a familiar smile.

i was so tired it took a bit longer to react,

my heart stopped for a moment,

because i couldn't believe it had finally arrived.

it was as if no time had passed...

if 7 months had been nothing more than an hour passed at the airport.

his hand was just as i remembered as he held mine in his,

his smell so surreally familiar,

that smile,

it hit me every time.

yes, it had happened.

we were here.

together.

again.

everything else faded to exist or matter.

it was the moment,

it was him,

it was me,

it was here.

he gazed for hours,

playing with my hair,

stroking my cheek,

kissing my eyes..

i had missed that feeling..

longed for it for so very long.

i fell asleep as he sang to me,

locked in his arms,

safe,

sound,

most peaceful...

the deepest sleep i have slept in 7 months.

open your eyes, learn, believe

i can't make you see.

i can only show you.

that is, if you choose to see with open eyes.

you must have an open mind,

an open heart,

release all judgements,

and believe in something larger than yourself.

how do you expect to see when you have turned your eyes aside,

closed your mind,

in turn, hardening your heart against that which is foreign to you.

keep it clear.

be receptive --

for we never stop learning,

to the day we die we are barraged by lessons...

tune yourself in.

new environments, new perspectives

here i am in brooklyn.. go figure. a month ago i had no idea i would be living and working in new york of all places. long story short, i had been job hunting from florida to no avail and finally through a friend i was urged to send in my cv at his job.. a month went by and then he called telling me to get a ticket and fly up for an interview. i flew up and well, i somehow managed to land a freelancing gig.

there has been so much going on, but i can't begin to convey my joy for a new environment and neighboring wavelengths... it's as if all that negativity around me was trying to break in and weigh me down and yet amazing when you make a conscious effort to only focus on the positive how you can rise above unscathed. damn. it's a powerful thing. no matter what highs or lows, an elevated outlook can get you through it all without sacrificing your life to pettiness.

i'm still finding my way here, but it feels good. it's not quite home yet, but maybe in time. it feels comfortable, walking around, feeling inspiration and taking in the energies around. it also helps having friends from here and there back around, reconnecting -- revisiting the past in a sense, but with wiser eyes and more experience. everything seems possible. i don't know, can't quite put my finger on it.

i still have that void inside of me but i know that missing piece is only invisible... it's there just can't see it to feel it. i needed this and though i may not have much money to my name now, i know i am following my heart and soul -- doing what i must. for in this life it's not about what we take with us, but how we lived. we must strive to make positive, lasting impacts. yea, it's gaining momentum, i'm excited about what lies ahead but i am taking the time to live every second of it in preparation.

as i sit here

my eyes are burning as my tears have dried.
i am reminded not to be hurt or upset or focused on all that's trying to bring me down,
for i know if i give negativity power it will amass and take control.
i am better than that.

i cannot succumb to despair,
for life has much more to offer than letdowns.
life is not an easy journey if you choose to live it dynamically.
there are beautiful highs and hideous lows..
but one without the other causes skewed thinking.
we need both balanced to appreciate all that is attainable and possible.

this moment here has been most challenging,
but i know deep within there is a reasoning more powerful than i may ever fully realize.
sometimes we must sink deep to see a bit clearer.
perhaps all of these challenges hitting me up are just bold reminders.
i know my strength, wisdom faith and patience is further being tested,
and i cannot deny the pain,
but every once in a while we need to strive to see the larger picture at hand.

as troy davis was executed last night tears strewn down my face,
i felt it ever deeply,
my heart ever heavy...
life doesn't always make sense,
things don't always work out as you see fit,
but they are working out for a reason.

troy davis did not have to die,
but he was killed for a reason.
his thoughts and his words will live on in all who were affected and touched,
that clarity and passion will continue if we pursue it.
maybe this was a wake up call for many... one can hope.

if we want change we have to learn to foster it.
no one can live your life,
you must live it...
but keep in mind we must strive to be at our best, always.

we are all brothers and sisters as we all stem from the same roots of civilization.
we should never hesitate to build up one another, no matter the consequences.
our society has stepped away from nurturing humanity,
and we've somehow been blinded,
but look around,
is this really how life is to be?
violence, hate, greed, death
it's so shallow and cold.

there is more to it than getting ahead and having this or that...
life is too short to sacrifice,
but our connections run deep and carry on even after we pass.
whether its taking the time to hear someone out,
helping somebody with something,
or just smiling bright as every day rises...
these simple actions go far.

crying is a waste of energy,
so what if life decides to throw you a curve ball --
dust yourself off,
dry your eyes
and get back in the game,
giving it all you have to give.