i'll be home for christmas

So after much deliberation, we decided it may be a good idea for me to head up to see my family for the holidays... with so much going on and a baby coming, along with out of control hormones and slight homesickness for the sight of my family, it could be the best idea or it could blow up in my face. Regardless, since I have spent the past two Christmases in Jamaica, it seems only fitting to try and make an effort to reach out and reconnect with them. I'm nervous as it has been a while since I last saw them; I believe it was February last seeing my parents and the previous winter when I had seen my brother and his now wife; much less I have not spoken with them, minus my dad for the past six months. It's life and well, sometimes those uncomfortable things are those we must face as bravely as possible... for the regret would outweigh the anxiety. So I'll be home for Christmas, I'm very much looking forward to seeing all of them yet equally saddened to leave my husband and the kids yet again, especially this year, with the events of last year coming soon into memory. We just hope the Embassy can get their act together and soon enough he'll be free to come up and this nonsense of back and forth and living in two different places will come to an end. Booking my ticket tonight, can't think this anymore otherwise I don't think I will be finding myself going anywhere.

we've got a date.. at the embassy

FINALLY! The date we had all been waiting for tirelessly, finally came... We barely slept the night before, out of fear we would oversleep and anticipation for what would unfold the next day. We stumbled out of bed a bit after one in the morning.. I warmed some food, put on the coffee and tried desperately to get the old man to rise, but it took a few tricks and kicks and eventually he rolled out of bed only to make bets who would be ready first. We headed down the road only to find nobody was ready and we tried to fight off the sleep which was still in our eyes... eventually we got on the road, speedily trying to make reach the Embassy before 7am. We managed a quick sip of coffee at Juici Patty only to scurry our way across the street to join the overwhelming line of hopeful, Jamaican passport holders.

We managed to get in, to join yet another line.. this time we were soon separated as we learned spouses were not allowed to enter the visa immigration department with the applicants. So I waited in the courtyard and he reluctantly went in with an envelope and a half worried look on his face. Hours passed and I had no idea what was going on.. I found my way to the restrooms, only to see his back as I was exiting.. I inconspicuously took the seat next to him, after which he gave me the running update and we patiently waited for his name to be called. About 20 minutes later they called him to a window and so began his very public interview... which lasted about 30-40 minutes and included questions about every aspect of our relationship. Needless to say, all went well and despite his nervousness and apprehension, he appeared ever confident. It was with that the interview ended and he was given the OK; only he needed to send in an original signed document and then he could be scheduled again, to drop off his passport, so the visa could be issued.

We made the necessary calls and coordinated for the document to be overnight-ed, so as not to waste any precious time. Disappointed, but thankful, we made the trek home, wishing the stars had been a bit more aligned. We didn't make it back till late and by then we had passed exhaustion. We somehow made it home only to eat a little something and pass out. All in all not hopeless.

8 weeks and counting

So it's official, 8 weeks along and here is the first image of our dear little joy. Everything seems normal, healthy and going along as it should. More testing Monday, till then just trying to take it easy and up my food intake, something which is proving rather challenging.

and baby makes...

On the 10 November 2012, came home from a day in Savanna-La-Mar feeling miserable -- headache, sore throat, fever and just plain sick. If only we knew what was to unfold in the following week... sickness prevailed and left me pretty much bed-ridden with an intense fever, loss of appetite and overall sense of aching and misery and leaving me about 10 pounds lighter. As we came to find out, it was all just the beginning of my body bracing itself for the start of a new life... Yes! Finally pregnant! We are ecstatic with the news and the whole family is simply overjoyed. I guess timing is everything and when it's right, it will happen. After years of several doctors telling me what a difficulty it would be and that it may never happen, and after trying for quite some time to get nowhere, this was quite a surprise. It's much to early to say much on the news, we have to give it all a bit of time before we can head to the doctor, but surely taking it easy and hoping to shake this perilous sickness which is taking its toll. It's a bit nerve-racking to know this time next year, if all goes well, there will be a new addition and life will be completely different in so many ways -- yet, in the same breath, as with anything new, time will give way to comfort and normalcy. For now, just embracing this momentous and beautiful time in our lives.

love and light

Speechless without words is how I find myself, struggling to describe this magnificent love. Every day I give thanks -- for genuine love, friendship, companionship and an ever true love. Sometimes I feel like it's way too good to be true.. I've never had someone so much like myself in ways, yet equally so completely different. It comes like two in the same, naturally without thought or added effort. There are times I miss certain things which I value and cherish .. could be circumstantial and perhaps things will come back into motion again. I often think back to early youth, adolescence, mindset and dreams.. It's an attempt at a self-prescribed reality check, just to make sure I'm on the right path... keeping my youthful ambitions and dreams within reach. Knowing all of that, mixed with the inspiration of someone who can respect and appreciate that in me, as well as himself, helps. I just need to relax my stressed mind and embrace all of the joy and beauty which fills my life. I cannot live for anyone but myself. In the same breath I cannot make everyone happy nor accept my life and my decisions. I need to come to terms with that, within myself and move on. I'm a happy, joyful, confident and independent woman and I need to remember that -- no one can take that away. I don't live in people's shadows, I create my own light, it just needs some brightening.

family, possibilities, immigration and public transportation

I missed my flight thanks to delays with my passport and immigration services in Kingston. So now it seems I'm here legally and indefinitely. Must find work because money is going rather fast. I want a family more and more every day that passes... I want a baby. I want to share that with my husband and let our love create something more amazing than ever imaginable. My mind still wonders through the stress which is ever lurking -- my family, work, future, life, wrongs/rights, acceptance, ... but without doubt I know that I'm where I need to be, here with my family. It's been very necessary and really great, filling that large void of missing them and sharing in all the moments. I'm trying to trust that in due time all will unfold to how it is supposed to. My heart is full and happy despite everything. I just wish I could talk with my family  without judgment or sarcasm -- freely, to express my genuine contentment. Sure I have my own personal demons: trust, accepting dependence, age, life and all uncertainty that comes along; but I'm trying desperately to stay level and balanced, knowing that it takes time and understanding and patience. When the time is right I suppose..

Thinking of getting back into my art/illustration series, 'Architects with Jet Packs,' and taking advantage of time here in this environment.. also revisiting my children's book idea of short stories/ Caribbean tales. Went back to Kingston yesterday.. yet again. Seems we go every week lately. Took the bus to and from to give my husband a reality check and proper tour of Jamaica. Downtown has turned in amongst itself, rubble and zinc destruction. People have made their own graves and yet they shout and complain against conditions. What to do? Coaster buses are now taken over by young 18+ somethings braced with short tempers, hot heads, rude behaviors and no consideration for others or rules. It's like little bus gangs.. the driver and his 7+ friends, posing as obnoxious conductors. So is this the new ghetto dream? Drive around all day, blasting music with friends and being slightly inconvenienced to hustle passengers? Nobody wants to put forth effort for anything. Things are expected to be so easy and if not, nobody has the time of day. Hustling will soon see its day and it will come down to starve or eat. People are so busy within their microcosms that they seem totally unfazed or affected.. it's culture.. it's life. oh well, it is how it is. Until the system is questioned and dissected, it won't have an opportunity for change. There are valuable lessons all around, even those applicable to every day dilemmas and life. We just need to be more receptive and aware to pick up on them; learning from them as we go along. It's a process and nobody has the answers, much less the 'right' ones.  We all just do the best we can with the cards in our hands, hoping for the best.

updates from the bushes of westmoreland

Jamaica --  I've been here since the 8 August 2012, an today is the 17 September 2012. I'm scheduled to leave on the 26 September 2012, merely 9 days away.. It's a bit hard to swallow having had the time to settle in with my husband and the kids.. gaining semi-normalcy as a family. Seems counteractive to leave, not having a job lined up, only to be alone. They have all made it very clear they prefer if I stay with them, at least till I find work and/or the immigration papers are finalized.

In other news, we thought maybe we had gotten pregnant and were riding the wave of time.. after having found a leftover pregnancy test, it seems a no-go. Either it's just not our time or we have some issues to sort out.. unfortunate for now.