the first week

my new identity: mrs annelise marie cowns

work was super busy today, and i had to bike around to run errands this morning for the firm. im wondering what the hell have i gotten myself into.... because i have no clue what i am doing & as it is i'm not the type of person to ask for help, but being as i have had these talks from my boss about not wasting time, being productive, (the ways of the firm), i feel so nervous to do anything... much less ask for help. yet when i do i get this shit face from him, and i dont quite know if it is in jest or better yet the cold, waking reality. today he told me half dutch/half english to do a drawing and of course the computer wasn't working right so i asked him if it was ok, well he gave me some attitude, then said ahh its fine, just do this & this & this -- still didnt work, so i asked my coworker & she was happy to help me & she couldn't figure it out either, so she asked him, & he said i was occupying too much of her valuable time. ok dutchy man, the whole point of me being an intern is i know nothing. for god's sakes, its amazing i've made it this far without screwing up more, my computer is in dutch (at work) so imagine trying to do anything or navigate or search for things -- super complicated! i don't bother to talk all day, i pretend to laugh at stupid dutch jokes i have no idea what is being said. i'm friendly & they are too, but this background techno-clash noise of dutch is getting old, and the excuse of "it's so you'll learn," isnt enough for me. i can deal with that, but not when it comes to my work & what needs to be done, i would rather not loose anything in translation. im just happy tomorrow is friday and i can sleep all weekend. i have no time for anything. i get up at 7am, i get home at 8-830pm, and im so tired its hard enough to eat dinner so late. then time flies & it's midnight. then morning before i know it. they are too much of workaholics here! i thought the us was crazy, but it doesnt help his studio is also his home -- he never leaves! and i feel bad if i leave because everyone is still there working, but also im not getting paid a major salary like them, im barely getting anything & im supposed to work 40 hours a week, which means i don't know what!? i'm not made for this world of crazy workaholic ego driven architects.... i wouldn't survive one day in this dogeatdog world. no no, alex, i'll take developing countries for 100. it's going to be a looong 6 months. but i did this to myself & i will survive, hopefully i will learn something other than basic dutch & coping with frustration... and hopefully i can get some kind of life while i'm here to see amsterdam & meet people, because as of now it doesn't look soo good... i barely get to see my roommates now. ahh, i dont think he looked over my cv so well, he was shocked when he heard i had already graduated.... when we were filling out the forms he leans over & whispers "did i know this about you before i hired you?' of course, it was everywhere in large bold letters!? c'mooon! this is only the first week & i'm in super zombie mode. i don't know how long i can last like this. if my contract says 40 hrs/week what does that mean in terms i can understand? 8 hours/day? hmm....i know being an intern is another word for someone's bitch... and that's what i understood before signing my life away...so i'm good at redoing peoples crappy work, working on a book all in dutch, scanning documents like theres no tomorrow, making expresso/tea, filing, dropping whatever pertinent thing i have a deadline for to do something menial -- yea basically i'm the bitch. and it's ok, as long as i learn something other than what i know.... because that's what it's about --- learning! uhhh. well i'm happy it will be friday in 30 min, then i have 2 days off where i dont have to work on stuff that is going nowhere. you would think he would be builiding all these projects with how we've been working since day 1, but not soo much, so i'm kinda confused why there's all this pressure. anyway, i apologize its all ranting, but i have no one to rant to here so i gotta get it out.

on a side note, i almost died tonight on my way home, my wheel swiped the tram tracks as i was trying to dodge a drunk tourist... i saw lights, i don't think they were white & holy, but i saw lights... maybe red lights? hmm...

i'm sure this all has made no sense whatsoever, i'm trying to get the dutch voices out of my head. it's everywhere & driving me nuts. they made me speak some stuff tonight, and they swear it's because of them im learning. hmm, not so much, more like my 'learn dutch' podcast & looking up stuff on the online dictionary every 2 sec. i'm opting to leave at 6/630 tomorrow, forget that crap of being a good employee because it's getting me nowhere - this isn't even a real job, i'm just getting suckered into exploited labor, but i need the experience... he's supposed to be paying me something like 600euros i found out. so i'm not too crazy about whoring myself overtime anymore. ahh i have no desire to do this for the rest of my life... it's nothing but an empty, cold feeling. i get no happiness out of doing stupid drawings & staying in an office with artificial lighting all day, or sucking up to rich bastards.... ehh maybe im in the wrong career path totally?