love

what is love?

i spent so many years racking my mind.
tormenting my heart.
torturing myself.
in hindsight, needlessly.
in the hopes to find this miraculous thing so many spoke of.
so many wrote of.

i would guard myself.
so cautiously.
as not to lose anything.
misplace myself.
feel vulnerable.
feel so exposed.
naked even.
i would pine.
quietly.
suffer in silence.
for what?
to get nowhere.
yet have my secret safe.

trust was an issue.
still is.
i was my assurance.
another realm held my dreams, longings, desires, and the whole case of secrets.
the key never to be seen or found.
i convinced myself this was the way it had to be.
this was the way it was.
i was too sensitive to be seen.
too fragile to be touched.
too cautious to move.

i kept occupied with other trivial pursuits.
kept myself distracted.
tried to escape.
sometimes it worked.
other times it completely failed me.
when i did show an interest i was timid.
my mind would talk me out of it before i could utter a sound.
it was a game going on in my head.
except the speed control took over.
i had lost the power.
i became so conditioned to this.
this became the norm.

i made the move.
took control again.
it felt good.
i opened my mouth.
i professed what i felt.
it was unconditional love.
it was pure.
it was unselfish.
true.
whole.
all of me.
laid out.
i knew no other route.

closeness.
familiarity.
comfort.
acceptance.
a deeper bond.
all of which led to heartbreak.
after giving so much of myself for so long i felt lost in this sea of disparity.

who was i?
why did i give myself so freely?
had i been jaded?
irrational?
too much thinking.
mind ticking away.
staring at the ceiling.
counting dots as i reran through the events.
lost.
vulnerability in a new light.

raise the walls.
lock the doors.
so it started again.
shunning myself from intimacy.
avoiding attachment.
just being.
i believed i was realizing some predestined prophecy.
i had conquered it.
grown above it.
could easily exist without it.
like the buddhist monks i had studied.
had i found my "path" to enlightenment?
was i able to truly give everything up.
i convinced myself.
yes.
this was all a dream.
all an illusion.
i could not get swept into the emotions of life.
there was a larger picture to see.
i truly bought this.
i put so much energy and faith into belief.

i buried myself in work.
in school.
making my life only that.
it eventually caught up with me.
i burned out.
i blind-sided myself unknowingly.
when i least expected it.
i found that feeling again.
that feeling i thought i would never again feel.
the one which takes over your whole being.
the one which alters your mind.
transforms your heart.
changes the world.
makes everything beautiful.
sparkle.
tingle.

i tried to show caution.
the fear of regret inspired me.
risk won.
i took a chance.
it was still masked by my timidity.
i discovered a whole new world i had been missing.
every second brilliant.
rich.
sweet.
euphoric.
i let the walls down.
unlocked the doors.
it felt natural.
this feeling was too good to kick out.

i proclaimed my emotions.
pen and paper were the vehicle.
i felt it was too risky to blurt out.
it needed space and time.
point a to point b.
i was not big enough to see the whole picture.

my heart is still wrapped around this conviction.
this that i had laid out.
i felt so exposed that it scared me.
i retreated.
held myself back.
bit my tongue.
but for what?

if i were to pass tomorrow to another life.
another realm.
another universe.
what would i have to show for myself?
would i have lived every moment unafraid?
experienced all i had set out to?
i would still be holding on to this.
for it took such a piece of me to leave.
it was too painful.

my world shattered around me.
nothing was as important.
i lost a lot.
it is a constant reminder.
i continue to pick up the pieces.
my mind wanders so easily back to those moments.
my energy gone.
my drive somewhere.
waiting to be rediscovered.

i can only sleep to dream.
from this point i hold myself back.
the pain too real.
the scars still burning.
will i find that key again?
that one fit so well.
everything was aligned.
the cosmos even agreed.

i make an oath to try.
i have nothing to lose.
for i have lost it already.
though it stays with me in the back.
straggling along.
perhaps a reminder to live.
a reminder to risk it.
too much suffering.
i do not want to be a monk.
i want to live.
experience.
see all the possibilities.

if only i could learn to disable the mind.
constantly overanalyzing.
it is maddening.
nothing is simple enough.
i am left contemplating tenfold.