ramblings from the back of my mind

i feel guilty for all the opportunities i have been given. my life could have been a different story... born into an impoverished, developing country, left to try to fend for myself. instead i have a sea of options before me, i lose sleep over my future, i second guess myself and the opportunities which sit at my feet. i strain to find the equilibrium. i struggle between desire and expectation, constantly reminding myself i shouldn't feel this way... i should be grateful for where i have managed to end up and what i have been able to accomplish. isn't it just ignorant greed to want more? is it fair that i should have more chances to be different people, go different places, and learn different things? i battle with this... what is and what should be? what is just and unjust?

i feel the least i can do is give back... which reverts back to my vision of balance. i feel if i can do something which benefits more people, then i have attained my goals... i have done something to improve the larger picture. only then would i feel the sense of fulfilling my purpose in this life.

i feel my problems are so trivial and menial when i take a step back... i laugh briefly at my slight pretentiousness; then i feel humiliated at this thought of selfishness. i am my own worst enemy. i feel like a failure if i for one second stop thinking about the larger than life issues. it's a constant reality check. in turn it has helped me see life in a different light, not so much as my issues, but our issues. how does what i do affect others? how can my outlook manifest others? maybe there is no truth to my ideology, it could even be a coping mechanism, but as i see it, it helps me put everything into a more distinguishable interpretation.

maybe i will struggle for a lifetime with this.... i cannot say. it's not so clear cut as i would hope, but perhaps that is the beauty and reward of it. perhaps this is what life is all about, like buddha says, and through the hardship and suffering only then can joy and happiness be truly felt. i have yet to distinguish this as an overall truth, but for the time being it has made quite a lot of sense.

life seems so banal if there is no purpose. there has to be some point to all of this... right? i teeter between all the religions and meanings.. for me it seems we are here to help one another. its a heads and tails toss-up. heads promises a life full of opportunities, while tails promises a life full of hardships. it's a chance existence. we have to make the most of what we are dealt.. those with the upper hand should look out for those facing obstacles, for it could have been them on the other side. that's the most important part of this, it's all coincidental, out of our control.

we have to help our fellow brothers and sisters because it could be us in another life.. i believe heavily in karma and i am convinced it carries over after this life. i can't say i am a christian. i was raised in christianity, but i didn't believe it fully, i wasn't convinced it was the "only way," much to my parents chagrin. i believe there are good stories and morals which are shared in several religions. but who is to say in total conviction they know for sure... no one knows for sure. only the deceased know for sure and we won't know till we reach that point. if there is only one thing i will take from christianity, it is that we cannot judge. we have no right. so we cannot criticize other beliefs, religions, or walks of life. yet it happens. who is right?

why can't we see the similarities we share and embrace them? love your neighbor as yourself. hmm. so it goes. i spent my adolescence being judged and scrutinized by teachers, principals, friends, acquaintances, ... moving from one religious school to another. i couldn't fake the emotions. i wasn't allowed to question christianity or the bible. they were oblivious to the fact they were hypocrites in their so-called faith. i reached my breaking point and refused to keep my mouth shut. i was tired of being hushed and looked down upon. for a while religion had left me with a bitter taste. i refused any associations. it took some time to overcome my adverse feelings. i questioned life, purpose, ... . i felt like it was all for nothing. i felt pessimistic, that the only point was to reach death; that life was just pain and suffering. i discovered reassurance in buddhism. it made sense and started putting things into perspective. it made sense, the suffering, the relinquishing of desire... but i discovered it wasn't enough. there was something missing.

i looked into hinduism and took comfort in many of it's lessons. i merged this with some of the buddhist ideas as well as some scientific truths and created a bit of meaning from it all. everything is everything. life is all around us. we are everything from the trees in the park, to the dogs running around, to the baby in the carriage, the fish in the sea, to the flowers in the garden, to the man sitting on the bench, ... . this higher spiritual order, god, krishna, allah, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it is all one. i don't see distinguishable differences. there has to be something going on in the shadows; even science leads me to believe so. but i am no theologian. i'm just a perplexed 24 year old trying to make sense of this amazing and confusing place.