my views on people and relationships have been greatly impacted and morphed by the experiences i have lived... friendships have evolved. traveling has only made me see people as moments in time; sparks, if you will. even from a young age, i began to realize people are put together for mere moments, to exchange information, grow from one another, take something, and then move on, passing that something along to other people... creating a link through this act of exchange. we all can have an impact. we all can make a change. we all can grow and learn from each other, even if we have but five minutes with one another. make the most of it.
depending on your outlook this view of connecting can appear positive or negative. sometimes, for a very brief moment, i wish i had stayed in one place and had friends that i knew my whole life.. that had lived every moment and experience with me. but then, i'm quickly snapped back into reality.. my reality. i'm grateful for the life i've had. the people i've met. if i had never been able to experience all i have, living in such bipolar places, meeting people from all walks of life, getting perspectives from from both sides of the coin, ... i wouldn't be who i have become today. my ideals, goals, objectives, ethics and morals would be completely different. to me that's scary. a lot of that has to be credited to my parents. for them, they were just trying to make the best life they could for my brother and myself.. without knowing, they managed to give us so much more. invaluable lessons. at times, it was frustrating, even infuriating, not knowing where they were coming from... seeing them as perfect individuals. as soon as i saw them as human, my entire perception of them changed.
i do not see my family as family, but rather individuals with whom i have been able to share my life. i didn't choose them and they didn't choose me; though my mother will beg to differ. i view them as people with whom i have been able to connect, exchange, and grow. as soon as i did this my relationships with them improved. they don't know the answers either. they are still working through their own manifestations. it is an ongoing procedure, from birth to death and even to the 'unknown' (whether that be nirvana, enlightenment, reincarnation, heaven, hell, purgatory, .. whatever it may be). out of everybody they are the ones with whom i have the longest connection. i have known them the longest and we have seen each other for the good and the bad. yet we remain bonded. some families just live with the facts, not asking questions or pushing the limits trying to find meaning or make sense of it. i feel i have fought and suffered for these people. embracing the good and reveling in the joy. it doesn't change me from you or my love for them. it just is a different type of relationship and it seems to work just fine for me. we should try to make the most of any situation, right? never settle... that's my motto.
as soon as you begin viewing people as moments, the encounters turn into something almost sensational. the thought of these sparks morphing who we are... our identities, outlooks, perceptions, ... i relish this theory. sadly though, you get used to not having these long lasting connections. you move, change jobs, switch career paths, start families, ... you lose friends in the process. you try to hold onto those which you deem indispensable. it's tough. i've gone through it countless times. i've had amazing friends in my short life.. more than i probably should have been alloted in my entire life. but so it has worked out. i've fought hard to keep many of them, and i can proudly say i have managed to keep some of those. but on the other side, i have lost a lot... drifted apart, moved, ... but i still look back at them with great happiness and warmth, of the time and experiences we shared. it will forever be frozen in time, or just in my memory. their mark and impact on my life still a reminder. for that i am grateful. part of me wishes the same from them, but then again, we are only human. our feelings, emotions and memories all shaped by our perceptions and outlooks.
1 comment:
Dear Annelise. It always amazes me how accurately we seem to be connected in our wanderings and wonderings of life. Most of my time lately has been spent wondering what exactly does it mean to be made up of so many brilliant and miraculous places and people, that stitch you up to the furthest corners not just of the world, but of the whole spectrum of human emotions and longings. I've long felt, like you, that people are also moments in history: they are also, sometimes, very specific in their interventions. I've known that happiness lies in living the eternity of the moments, and understanding the beauty of letting go. The generosity of allowing somebody to become a present, then, for someone after you. And yet, these days, I wonder if I'll ever belong somewhere (even, as now, knowing that I will stay long in a particular place). For the first time in my life, I can't quite see beyond the present, even as I feel I am building up my life. Suddenly, like you, I feel the presence of all friends past and far away, but (and perhaps this is different) feel a little bit naked for the future and the nearby.
I do have that strange feeling too, of having fulfilled all the dreams I could come up with in that time in which most of what you do is to dream. Which leaves me in the surprising, sudden circumstance of having to come up with new ones; a task I feel now utterly unprepared for. I guess that explains that strange feeling of short-livedness that invades me lately in a manner I haven't quite yet been able to describe...
Maybe I'm just bewildered I don't know where to move on to.
Much love, from nearby. Mayra
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