here i am, letting go...

Had an exercise this morning:

be real with myself, let go of anxiety-which is trying to 'make' everything perfect.

I've got to let go.

By making everyone else happy I sacrifice my true desires.

What the hell do I really want?
Why is it so difficult to let myself realize these desires?
What is it I'm hiding from?
What is at the root of all of this?

I don't know if I really truly want school... A big portion doesn't, I just feel like its something I 'have' to accomplish, part of the checklist in life. Is that really enough? I haven't decided..

What I do know is I'm tired of putting these things to the side: saying soon come, when the time is right, eventually, once I do this then that, yada yada...

Why can't I level with myself freely?

I want to fulfill so much but I can only do one thing at a time, breathe and stay focused, on par.

I'm fighting the system too much, I need to relax and let go... Take it step by step.

I have nobody to please; it shouldn't be about pleasing anyone...

I've confused pleasing for desire and its caused a disconnect in my outlook and course of direction.

It IS about fulfilling MY dreams and goals.. Not for others but MYself.

Its my life, what do I truly want?

I need to seize it and if I stumble, well I stumble, I'm a tough cookie, bruises don't bother me, scars are reminders to me, and help give me perspective and guidance.

If I totally fall, well I can get back up and try again-- as long as I've got life I've got everything I need. Everything else is bonus or superficial, its being able to distinguish the difference that matters most.

I'm taking my time and I'm owning it and I'm no longer wasting it or giving it away to foolishness (ie: like those 4 years of architecture school where I literally conditioned myself to sacrificial/burn out mode). It was a total waste of energy and time, in part because I realized halfway I didn't want that, I didn't want to be that or do it, sure I stuck it out, but for what purpose.. Here I am.

I take is as par for the course, further enlightenment, seeing the world differently but that's about it. My dreams are bigger than designing stupid buildings... My heart wants more than that.

So I'm trying to let go in hopes of hearing god or krishna or allah or jah or the universe, whatever u want to call the higher ranking order in life.

I can't fight who I am, but I can only make myself better -- and so here I am.