testing 1, 2, 3, testing...

Instead of getting better about updating this blog I have gotten completely worse - yikes! Well over a year now since my last post, which I was hoping would have been a push towards a more balanced posting regime. C'est la vie. It has been exactly 8-1/2 months since I completed my graduate studies, Maya is now 21 months old, today is our four year anniversary and on the 30th I will be turning 30. Kind of a momentous moment in life. I remember when my brother turned 30 I thought he was sooo old, granted I was nearly 8 years younger, so to fathom 30 at 22 was out of this world. Now I am quickly approaching this milestone myself and I am left to wonder where has the time gone -- really? I feel just last year I turned 21, who doesn't? I definitely have not reached my pinnacle as of yet, but I do feel good about it. I feel accomplished in the fact I conquered and reached a few major challenges and dreams - finishing architecture school alive, traveling the world, serving as a peace corps volunteer, finding my life partner, having a baby that I never thought I could have, going back to school and getting my master's degree in something that I actually enjoyed, hitting rock bottom with my family and working to rebuild a more genuine relationship with them, watching my daughter grow up and getting to spend the first two years of her life with her non-stop, ... I've been blessed beyond measure and for that I am just overjoyed about -- even just listing these things I feel God's love in all of it, very humbling.

It hasn't felt like that this past year -- trials and tribulations have been tenfold, a real earth shattering experience. I have been on the constant job hunt since December 2013 with no luck, other than great interviews that went nowhere and positions that were ridiculous to conceive with a family and a baby in tow. It has been a struggle to keep going, keep up the hunt, and just give it to God, knowing that in the end He'll have my back and manifest something when it is the right opportunity and the right time. I have given it to prayer over and over again, asking for wisdom, patience and understanding to get through it and those prayers have definitely been answered, maybe not in the way I expected, but yes, they have been answered. I have come to the realization that there has been a neon flashing sign literally in my face this whole time and I have been so desperate to see beyond it that I never took the time to read it. This time has been about making the time with Maya and being there for her -- in my heart I really trust that it has been more about her than me. I have been her constant rock for two years uninterrupted and maybe that was so key in her development or for our bond. Only God knows really. I have just given in to trusting the process and stopped questioning the why's at every turn, and since then such peace has come over me.


In the next week and a half I will be leaving to Washington D.C. for 10 weeks for a Latino Heritage Internship opportunity that I was chosen to work with the National Register of Historic Places. It is bittersweet because I will have to leave Chris and Maya for that time, but it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to finally be applying my skills, networking, and doing me. I have reached the moment of enlightenment -- I'm a total mom. Seriously, for the past week I have been an emotional wreck thinking about leaving my daughter, the void of her presence in my life for that time, missing her 2nd birthday, but then I remember I have done a lot already for her and she'll be just fine. 10 weeks will go by quickly and thank God she's still young that she probably won't remember much about this when she turns 30. One can hope. I think it'll be good for the three of us.

I also think the time will be beneficial for Chris. I do so much for him that I think sometimes he gets too complacent -- expecting I'll always be picking up the slack, which is ok for now considering I don't mind and I'm not working full-time yet, and when I was in school he would never hesitate to help me out. But, as of lately it is getting a little old. Once in a while I would like to know I can rely on him for some things again. It will be good for him to do things for himself to realize all that I do willingly and lovingly without complaining. He says he's dreading grocery shopping the most -- which I would think would be the least of his concerns, but : potaytoe :, : potahtoe:. We've also gone through our share of foundation shuddering events this past year that have been very draining and wearing on our relationship which I think the time away will prove healing and motivating to overcome and move forward. I just pray he will get his priorities in line and realize that choosing to start a life with someone should be mirrored not just in theory but in practice. Too often he unknowingly throws me under the bus for family issues, when I have nothing to do with any of it, and that only further cracks away at our foundation. It is hurtful and makes me feel like I am second rate many times, even though he chose me to be his family. That constant action this past year has made me more disconnected from him and more guarded to avoid a greater and deeper hurt. I know he loves me without question, I just think he needs to face and square away some serious issues that he's conveniently ignoring which are now plaguing our relationship and our family dynamic. It has been a default mode for him in every relationship, so I know it is something that will take great effort on his part. I can only support and encourage -- I cannot and will not force change, it needs to be something he sees and realizes on his own. So, perhaps this time away will provide some food for thought and perspective to overcome.

In saying that, today marks four years since we said "I do." It has been a struggle at times and so amazingly perfect at other times. I think marriage is just that -- a balancing act. Too much of a good thing will 'kill' you. Everything good and worthwhile does not come easy -- we must appreciate the process of the trying times to relish in the sweet times. We have definitely grown in our relationship these past years -- I think there is more room for growth, communication and a clearer delineation of family vs family. Then and only then do I think we have a much better chance at a successful marriage and family dynamic. But, I am hopeful that we can reach that together, unified and strong with guidance and wisdom. I am blessed to have him by my side and to have found someone that is genuine and so scarily in-line with what I believe and how I choose to live my life. To think we've made it this far and neither one of us ever had marriage on our agendas is pretty amazing. I always planned to be single till death, roaming the globe, living life without boundaries, adopting kids along the way and just doing my own thing. To have found somebody who made me rethink all of that was life-changing and inspiring. And four years later I hold no regrets about any of it. So here's to many more years ahead of us -- may they be fulfilling, loving and blessed.

when you least expect it... enjoy the ride

It has been a very busy and crazy rollercoaster of a time since my last post, nearly a year. I still keep my pen and paper near for reflection, just not enough time to log in. So much has happened in my life, changes, shifted priorities, not enough hours in the day... Maya is now 6 months old and doing well, although going through a rough teething phase. She is awe-inspiring and brings so much joy to our lives, as well as those she comes into contact. I've nearly reached the halfway mark in my graduate studies. Just applied for Spring graduation this past week, which seems almost ridiculous, but it's really happening and I'm making it through. So much so that I am now contemplating a PhD in Anthropology somewhere down the line. Never imagined that. It's been a stress but an equal blessing to have this opportunity. I've been craving it for so long and to witness it materialize has been awesome. I've always leaned toward taking the road less walked on out of pure wonder and curiosity of who I will be at the end of it all. Thank God for that, honestly. Knowing the end result before reaching your final destination is pure boredom and hacked programming. It's those unforeseen challenges that really shape who you are meant to be in life.... how you pass through, overcome, acknowledge, perspective gained, et al. all of that aids in real self-discovery. Some days I don't know how I'm surviving, with endless papers, projects and deadlines, Maya, husband, family, creeping anxieties about those things which fall out of my control.... it's all life and at some point God, Jah, Krishna, Allah, offers a way through and with that passing, wisdom and knowledge are shared and everything that's been chaotic suddenly makes sense. Yea there are tough times in life, but we choose it for ourselves one way or another. In the end it makes those sweet moments that much more rewarding. For now I'm reveling in the joy of the small victories... this could be just another lesson I that I needed refreshed. I'm taking note and minding that I appreciate all that this little life has witnessed and survived. Who knows what's ahead and at the end of the day who cares because if you have the mindset to conquer anything and live life fully, it should be pretty darn amazing. I'm grateful for this life and the people who I'm blessed to share it with.  Anything is possible even today. Positivity is powerful and one ounce of it can move mountains and make the world spin. Spread some and witness the possibilities as you explore the path unknown on the journey to discover the real, genuine you.

antibiotics, placenta praevia concerns and a rather uncomfortable pelvic exam

So the follow up concluded all blood work was normal and great... Pre-screenings nixed all risks from our lists... And everything seemed fine, minus one detail: very low lying placenta, which still has a chance too move up as the baby grows and my uterus expands, but for the next 4-6 weeks I am to abstain from any strenuous activity, no lifting of any kind, no sex, no nothing... She wants to run another ultrasound in after said time to check if indeed its moved. If not then we have to be worried with complications arising from placenta praevia. It's all a bit disconcerting... I'm trying not to worry much and just follow orders. Also somehow I've managed to pick up an 'atypical germ' and have been prescribed 3 doses of antibiotic per day for the next week. To top it off, the pelvic exam left me irritated and there's been this uncomfortable pressure, granted I have a baby inside who is fast developing, so I know there's a chance that pressure could be attributed to that as well...but it seems to have been triggered during the exam.

I've been feeling pretty miserable, achy and exhausted since and not to mention the food situation or lack there of today... I've been pretty indifferent to food for years, but since I've been pregnant this indifference has turned to grave disgust. I rather dislike food these days. I don't get cravings, I've had only one, and that was around 4 weeks - I wanted a johnny cake, ever so intensely. Minus that one instance, I've not craved a single food or drink item. It'd help just a bit though; at least I'd know what to eat. Forcing yourself to eat something you have no desire for is frustrating and rather maddening, especially when you are famished... Knowing it's not just you, but also a developing, helpless baby who is relying on your nourishment, is ever more frustrating as you become desperate to fight your indifference to food. Let's just say it's been a long day, I'm tired and hoping tomorrow will be loads better.

ultrasound aftermath

This week has been quite the rollercoaster of emotion... I think with the stress of uncertainty looming, plus no news updates from the DHL online tracker, plus the fact that this day was coming and I wanted only one person by my side, ... Well, it all catapulted into an emotional meltdown today. It's been a rough week regardless and today, seeing the baby, longing so that my husband could have been here to witness with me such an overwhelming joy, I reached my threshold. I am fortunate to have some pretty adaptive parents, it seems... They have been more than supportive and just overall amazing. They got to come in and see the baby, it was all a very moving experience. So much so afterwards I had to run to the bathroom to hide my tears, in attempts to save my reputation... I'm telling you these hormones are no joke.

With the position the baby was in the technician couldn't really tell the gender firsthand.. she tried to get the baby to move but no budging. Finally, she saw a hint that it was a girl... Which, in being completely frank was a little disappointing just because secretly I'd been pining for a boy, and girls scare me.. but I couldn't be happier the baby is healthy and all is well. Girl or boy I'm blessed and I accept with open heart and hands. I melted at the sight of those precious little hands, fingers and adorable feet and toes all curled up inside. Baby's healthy and everything seems fine. More news Monday as I have a follow up with the Dr, more tests and hopefully maybe more insight. Nearing that 5 month hump next week, so just happy that Maya is appearing healthy and that all digits are accounted for...

the fragility of a beating heart

There's no tangible explanation for the emotion which is stirred by the sound of your unborn baby's heartbeat. It's so delicate and seems unreal...that this little being inside is taking form, growing. My heart melted at the tiny, amazing sound yesterday... A reassurance that the baby is healthy and coming along. 4 months, 1 week and 4 days. Looking forward to another sneak preview next week, along with the news of girl vs boy... Extremely excited for my husband to reach soon enough next week, so that we can go through it all together.

i had a dream i was in brooklyn

Back in Brooklyn... never saw this coming. I guess that's why they say, never say never. It's just as I remember it: cold, noisy, congested, gray and no sight of nature for miles. This place is a dream for those who want to live the city life, all bustling and busy, with work and hustling on their minds. For me, it makes me homesick and I long for those rural bushes, glorious sunshine, beautiful beaches and tropicalia at it's best. It's always made worse by the fact I end up alone, in a place I feel no connection. After about a week I was ready to return to Jamaica.. much less after the rush of hormones, stress of uncertainty, and the big void in my heart, which all came to a head and slowly started breaking me down. Too many promises every other day from the Embassy regarding my husband's paperwork, left us both letdown and tragically longing to just see one another, wondering if it would ever happen.

Luckily, just this past week, good news came when we least expected it and when we genuinely needed it... Hoping sooner than later he'll be stateside and we can work through all of this nonsense and uncertainty together. I finally have a doctor appointment this next week... hoping to get all the necessary tests run, along with proper check-ups and learning the knowledge of the baby's gender. Will it be Maya or will it be Noah? And will my husband have to shift from referring to the baby constantly as Noah. There are bets running, he claims he won't have to shift. Asha claims she's getting a sister named Maya, just for her to play with her hair. And Jessie is happy with Noah or Maya, promising to teach them everything he knows. This next week holds much insight.. just practicing some patience in the meantime.

And I'm toying with the idea of finding my way back to Florida, just to be closer to the things that make me happy... NY may be a bit too much of a push, especially with a baby coming. Time will tell and the universe will unfold it's desires...

4 months and counting

Today marks 4 months... Just started to show this little bump this past week... it's growing!

welcome to alabama

Road trip to Alabama.. very long indeed and the temperature keeps dropping. I think I've eaten more hummus than ever in my life on this trip; a bit tricky being a pregnant vegan on a road trip through the south. After about a day and a half of driving we made our way into Birmingham. It was a bit of a rough trip, not all daisies and honeycombs, but we all managed to survive. The time was important.. and necessary. I think it was beneficial for all of us. As soon as we settled in was as soon as we were making our way back. My brother had to work pretty much the entire holiday, so the little time we had was sweet and cherished... for it had been a while since we had joined forces as a family. I realized how much I had missed them and their presence, especially my dad. The trip home was more successful than the one up... in the following week we managed to work through more than we had in the past couple years.

We managed to truly reconnect and grow forward... and when the time came and I decided to head to NY it started sinking in that I wasn't quite ready to let go of them yet. I think that day at the airport was one of the more emotional partings I've ever had with them. My dad had gone to search for a wheelchair to get me through the security line a bit quicker, and in that time I had passed through and I hadn't been able to give him a hug goodbye. It could have been my hormones in overload, along with the stress of traveling alone, and leaving my parents just as things were starting to improve, ... any number of things, but as I waited in line tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. That connection with my father... it became clearer to me later. Having this baby has given me further understanding and desire for connection with my family. The tie with my father, something which can never be broken, but only strengthened is made ever deeper with the promise of a new generation and new life. That moment frozen in my memory and heart. I knew then that my father would go to the end of the world for me and I would run as far as I could to catch him. I realized at that moment the circle of life... in process.

i'll be home for christmas

So after much deliberation, we decided it may be a good idea for me to head up to see my family for the holidays... with so much going on and a baby coming, along with out of control hormones and slight homesickness for the sight of my family, it could be the best idea or it could blow up in my face. Regardless, since I have spent the past two Christmases in Jamaica, it seems only fitting to try and make an effort to reach out and reconnect with them. I'm nervous as it has been a while since I last saw them; I believe it was February last seeing my parents and the previous winter when I had seen my brother and his now wife; much less I have not spoken with them, minus my dad for the past six months. It's life and well, sometimes those uncomfortable things are those we must face as bravely as possible... for the regret would outweigh the anxiety. So I'll be home for Christmas, I'm very much looking forward to seeing all of them yet equally saddened to leave my husband and the kids yet again, especially this year, with the events of last year coming soon into memory. We just hope the Embassy can get their act together and soon enough he'll be free to come up and this nonsense of back and forth and living in two different places will come to an end. Booking my ticket tonight, can't think this anymore otherwise I don't think I will be finding myself going anywhere.

we've got a date.. at the embassy

FINALLY! The date we had all been waiting for tirelessly, finally came... We barely slept the night before, out of fear we would oversleep and anticipation for what would unfold the next day. We stumbled out of bed a bit after one in the morning.. I warmed some food, put on the coffee and tried desperately to get the old man to rise, but it took a few tricks and kicks and eventually he rolled out of bed only to make bets who would be ready first. We headed down the road only to find nobody was ready and we tried to fight off the sleep which was still in our eyes... eventually we got on the road, speedily trying to make reach the Embassy before 7am. We managed a quick sip of coffee at Juici Patty only to scurry our way across the street to join the overwhelming line of hopeful, Jamaican passport holders.

We managed to get in, to join yet another line.. this time we were soon separated as we learned spouses were not allowed to enter the visa immigration department with the applicants. So I waited in the courtyard and he reluctantly went in with an envelope and a half worried look on his face. Hours passed and I had no idea what was going on.. I found my way to the restrooms, only to see his back as I was exiting.. I inconspicuously took the seat next to him, after which he gave me the running update and we patiently waited for his name to be called. About 20 minutes later they called him to a window and so began his very public interview... which lasted about 30-40 minutes and included questions about every aspect of our relationship. Needless to say, all went well and despite his nervousness and apprehension, he appeared ever confident. It was with that the interview ended and he was given the OK; only he needed to send in an original signed document and then he could be scheduled again, to drop off his passport, so the visa could be issued.

We made the necessary calls and coordinated for the document to be overnight-ed, so as not to waste any precious time. Disappointed, but thankful, we made the trek home, wishing the stars had been a bit more aligned. We didn't make it back till late and by then we had passed exhaustion. We somehow made it home only to eat a little something and pass out. All in all not hopeless.

8 weeks and counting

So it's official, 8 weeks along and here is the first image of our dear little joy. Everything seems normal, healthy and going along as it should. More testing Monday, till then just trying to take it easy and up my food intake, something which is proving rather challenging.

and baby makes...

On the 10 November 2012, came home from a day in Savanna-La-Mar feeling miserable -- headache, sore throat, fever and just plain sick. If only we knew what was to unfold in the following week... sickness prevailed and left me pretty much bed-ridden with an intense fever, loss of appetite and overall sense of aching and misery and leaving me about 10 pounds lighter. As we came to find out, it was all just the beginning of my body bracing itself for the start of a new life... Yes! Finally pregnant! We are ecstatic with the news and the whole family is simply overjoyed. I guess timing is everything and when it's right, it will happen. After years of several doctors telling me what a difficulty it would be and that it may never happen, and after trying for quite some time to get nowhere, this was quite a surprise. It's much to early to say much on the news, we have to give it all a bit of time before we can head to the doctor, but surely taking it easy and hoping to shake this perilous sickness which is taking its toll. It's a bit nerve-racking to know this time next year, if all goes well, there will be a new addition and life will be completely different in so many ways -- yet, in the same breath, as with anything new, time will give way to comfort and normalcy. For now, just embracing this momentous and beautiful time in our lives.

love and light

Speechless without words is how I find myself, struggling to describe this magnificent love. Every day I give thanks -- for genuine love, friendship, companionship and an ever true love. Sometimes I feel like it's way too good to be true.. I've never had someone so much like myself in ways, yet equally so completely different. It comes like two in the same, naturally without thought or added effort. There are times I miss certain things which I value and cherish .. could be circumstantial and perhaps things will come back into motion again. I often think back to early youth, adolescence, mindset and dreams.. It's an attempt at a self-prescribed reality check, just to make sure I'm on the right path... keeping my youthful ambitions and dreams within reach. Knowing all of that, mixed with the inspiration of someone who can respect and appreciate that in me, as well as himself, helps. I just need to relax my stressed mind and embrace all of the joy and beauty which fills my life. I cannot live for anyone but myself. In the same breath I cannot make everyone happy nor accept my life and my decisions. I need to come to terms with that, within myself and move on. I'm a happy, joyful, confident and independent woman and I need to remember that -- no one can take that away. I don't live in people's shadows, I create my own light, it just needs some brightening.

family, possibilities, immigration and public transportation

I missed my flight thanks to delays with my passport and immigration services in Kingston. So now it seems I'm here legally and indefinitely. Must find work because money is going rather fast. I want a family more and more every day that passes... I want a baby. I want to share that with my husband and let our love create something more amazing than ever imaginable. My mind still wonders through the stress which is ever lurking -- my family, work, future, life, wrongs/rights, acceptance, ... but without doubt I know that I'm where I need to be, here with my family. It's been very necessary and really great, filling that large void of missing them and sharing in all the moments. I'm trying to trust that in due time all will unfold to how it is supposed to. My heart is full and happy despite everything. I just wish I could talk with my family  without judgment or sarcasm -- freely, to express my genuine contentment. Sure I have my own personal demons: trust, accepting dependence, age, life and all uncertainty that comes along; but I'm trying desperately to stay level and balanced, knowing that it takes time and understanding and patience. When the time is right I suppose..

Thinking of getting back into my art/illustration series, 'Architects with Jet Packs,' and taking advantage of time here in this environment.. also revisiting my children's book idea of short stories/ Caribbean tales. Went back to Kingston yesterday.. yet again. Seems we go every week lately. Took the bus to and from to give my husband a reality check and proper tour of Jamaica. Downtown has turned in amongst itself, rubble and zinc destruction. People have made their own graves and yet they shout and complain against conditions. What to do? Coaster buses are now taken over by young 18+ somethings braced with short tempers, hot heads, rude behaviors and no consideration for others or rules. It's like little bus gangs.. the driver and his 7+ friends, posing as obnoxious conductors. So is this the new ghetto dream? Drive around all day, blasting music with friends and being slightly inconvenienced to hustle passengers? Nobody wants to put forth effort for anything. Things are expected to be so easy and if not, nobody has the time of day. Hustling will soon see its day and it will come down to starve or eat. People are so busy within their microcosms that they seem totally unfazed or affected.. it's culture.. it's life. oh well, it is how it is. Until the system is questioned and dissected, it won't have an opportunity for change. There are valuable lessons all around, even those applicable to every day dilemmas and life. We just need to be more receptive and aware to pick up on them; learning from them as we go along. It's a process and nobody has the answers, much less the 'right' ones.  We all just do the best we can with the cards in our hands, hoping for the best.

updates from the bushes of westmoreland

Jamaica --  I've been here since the 8 August 2012, an today is the 17 September 2012. I'm scheduled to leave on the 26 September 2012, merely 9 days away.. It's a bit hard to swallow having had the time to settle in with my husband and the kids.. gaining semi-normalcy as a family. Seems counteractive to leave, not having a job lined up, only to be alone. They have all made it very clear they prefer if I stay with them, at least till I find work and/or the immigration papers are finalized.

In other news, we thought maybe we had gotten pregnant and were riding the wave of time.. after having found a leftover pregnancy test, it seems a no-go. Either it's just not our time or we have some issues to sort out.. unfortunate for now.

here i am, letting go...

Had an exercise this morning:

be real with myself, let go of anxiety-which is trying to 'make' everything perfect.

I've got to let go.

By making everyone else happy I sacrifice my true desires.

What the hell do I really want?
Why is it so difficult to let myself realize these desires?
What is it I'm hiding from?
What is at the root of all of this?

I don't know if I really truly want school... A big portion doesn't, I just feel like its something I 'have' to accomplish, part of the checklist in life. Is that really enough? I haven't decided..

What I do know is I'm tired of putting these things to the side: saying soon come, when the time is right, eventually, once I do this then that, yada yada...

Why can't I level with myself freely?

I want to fulfill so much but I can only do one thing at a time, breathe and stay focused, on par.

I'm fighting the system too much, I need to relax and let go... Take it step by step.

I have nobody to please; it shouldn't be about pleasing anyone...

I've confused pleasing for desire and its caused a disconnect in my outlook and course of direction.

It IS about fulfilling MY dreams and goals.. Not for others but MYself.

Its my life, what do I truly want?

I need to seize it and if I stumble, well I stumble, I'm a tough cookie, bruises don't bother me, scars are reminders to me, and help give me perspective and guidance.

If I totally fall, well I can get back up and try again-- as long as I've got life I've got everything I need. Everything else is bonus or superficial, its being able to distinguish the difference that matters most.

I'm taking my time and I'm owning it and I'm no longer wasting it or giving it away to foolishness (ie: like those 4 years of architecture school where I literally conditioned myself to sacrificial/burn out mode). It was a total waste of energy and time, in part because I realized halfway I didn't want that, I didn't want to be that or do it, sure I stuck it out, but for what purpose.. Here I am.

I take is as par for the course, further enlightenment, seeing the world differently but that's about it. My dreams are bigger than designing stupid buildings... My heart wants more than that.

So I'm trying to let go in hopes of hearing god or krishna or allah or jah or the universe, whatever u want to call the higher ranking order in life.

I can't fight who I am, but I can only make myself better -- and so here I am.

i feel it

where do i begin... i feel god's blessings despite the situation not being to my liking. i have to realize there is a bigger picture and it's the small things that require attention and appreciation. i am grateful, i have a loving husband who does all he can and more for me..., we just celebrated a year of marriage..., it's been about 3 years and we still feel like no time has passed..., we still manage to revel in the joy versus the downfalls surrounding us... it was difficult to swallow being solo, completely -- i opted to occupy and distract myself by going to the beach... where i was surrounded by families left and right. not exactly the distraction i had hoped for.. tried to just let it be. i thought back to what had led me to that point. i focused n the memories of the moments and pretty soon i forgot all about the unfortunate circumstances and the love and joy comforted me. it was overall a rough day to be so far apart from him, but we survived, shared love and laughter and did our best naturally.

we are being tested in our faith, outlook and patience -- obviously it's a course we have to face through together for some reason. better to embrace it all then fight it. so.. me being here is an attempt to embrace it, doing something i choose to do with people i choose to be around. i am the author of my dreams -- i cannot be mad at anybody or blame anyone but myself. when i can swallow that i can move forward positively and without hesitation. i'm the only one standing in my way. it could be because i'm slightly scared underneath it all or that i need time to really get my ducks in line... a lot of that sounds about right and could fit the bill. i'm trying to be here, present now, paying attention to the signs along the way. my goal is to actively release the unnecessary stress, worry and anxiety. if i mess up, well i mess up, better i do it for the right and true reasons for it will make the comeback that much sweeter. this i pray.

happy anniversary to my bff

a year ago today we embarked on an early morning road trip to mandeville, got our papers in order, drove to may pen to register and headed to the pastor's house... you and smiley gathering my bouquet. the portia pin. the mini and xxl blazers. the singing. we loved him at first meeting, as he talked about the importance of marriage and god's blessings, you squeezed my hand, smiling every second. the tears streaming down your face as you tried to get through your vows. your hands trembling in mine. i tried so hard to keep my composure. everything around us was faded and you were sooo bright, this love, this life, this force within you that just takes over everything around you. we did it and the two of us were beaming and shining. the pastor loved us so much he climbed in his tree to gather us mangos and we all took part as one. the ital shop around the corner that we took over hosted our dinner. it was beautiful. that whole day, and all the hoops we had to jump, ... all of it. i laughed, i cried, i felt everything. for so long we had talked about it and then finally it had happened.

it was the best day of my life and i would do it again in a heartbeat. you are my joy and a magnification to my happiness. your love is mind-blowing and every day i feel ever blessed to have you in my life. i wish you the utmost happiness... it's been an amazing 3 years being with you, through all our ups and downs we've had to face, we faced them boldly together and came out ever stronger. but it has been a more amazing year having you as my husband. i'm truly blessed to have you as my best friends and my partner in life. you bring such joy, sweetness and completeness to my life. i love you so very much, more than words can actually begin to describe. you make me so very happy my darling! you truly are my favorite combo package :)

i look forward to more years and moments of joy and celebration with you. i'll never forget when i first laid eyes on you all the way to when we became husband and wife. today my soul is beaming sweetheart! whether you know it or not, you have helped me learn and overcome a lot... opened my eyes to the things i maybe didn't think about, especially family and i am ever thankful!

your smile was captivating, your personality ever charming and endearing, your laughter perfectly genuine, but it was your heart and soul that won me over... your beautiful spirit. i cannot explain the love for you, in my heart, being and soul... god only knows the full spectrum. i just hope our children will have your beautiful spirit  outside and in. you make me feel they would be so precious and sweet just be your actions. that's why i have to love you so very much.

so even though we are miles apart on our big day, i hope you can take comfort in my feelings and the truth in my heart. one day this big challenge we have had to face will be behind us and we can laugh as we look back fondly on how close we remained despite the distance. i love you forever and always from the bottom of my heart. have a beautiful day and stay ever blessed.

blessings and wealth

checklist:
- life
- no disabilities
- education
- loving husband
- loving parents
- loving brother
- loving step-kids
- perspective
- opportunities, even if small
- ability to travel
- patience
- understanding
- love
- concern
- confidence
- ability
- genuine joy
- ...

i have god/jah/krishna/allah/universe on my side to help me face the stresses of life... whatever my hold ups are i need to find a way to release them and move forward.

furthering education, lack of money, uncertainty, distance from family, ...

i need to let go... things will work out if they are to manifest... i don't know why i need to remind myself, because they always do, even when the way seems impossible or unclear.

i hear it repeatedly, subconsciously -- 'everything will work out,' and deep within i know it will (to an extent), but a part of me fears it will not and i try to control the situation and that fear turns deeper and deeper, until i convince myself otherwise.

so i need to acknowledge this current downfall of mine, letting stress turn to doubt and fear and find another way to face the situation -- headstrong.

i need to realize stress leads to a demise of happiness.. usually wreaks havoc on all good if given enough strength and power. its seeing and learning from this early that i can hopefully avoid these pitfalls.

if school is to happen financially it will.. i cannot kill myself to save money while i become miserable and alone, painstakingly saving every cent so i won't go into debt.

if a baby is to come the time will show itself.. i cannot rush kids but also i cannot disregard it either. the time will present itself somehow and i pray money and security will come with that sign.

i hope one day the family issue will resolve... and with it a sense of peace can take over the silence, pain and disgust. one day, in time i realize...

other uncertainty -- housing, money, family, location, financing, all of it, i'm trying to let it go, realizing it's all bigger than myself... that 'i' alone cannot face it, change it, or make it.

**reminder: tomorrow is a new day, different than yesterday or today or the next day. i can do and/or be anything with some persistence and faith.

food for thought

a very dear friend of mine gave me some food for thought today --

"you've been through a lot this year, and I think it is time you sit down and acknowledge it... you need time to look not just forward, but inside - hug yourself, and welcome yourself in the present time. there's a lot already happening, and you can rest a bit... inside."