the one thing which got me through my last semester of architecture school was looking ahead. granted, i should have been living every second in the moment, but that moment in time was too stressful and too overwhelming. to make it through i had to put aside my stresses and hang-ups and see the bigger picture. what could i make of this? what good could come from this? petersen and i would sit in the courtyard planning our magnificent lives.. from grad school in the netherlands, to working in the united nations as an ambassador for social housing, to seeking out humanitarian aid projects, ...; just talking about it reinforced my dreams, goals and ideals. it gave me a reason to keep going, fueled my spirit and motivated me to push through. whenever it got too much, we would bring ourselves back to reality and a center of calmness by encouraging each other with our lofty goals and dreams. it was something else to focus on.. something to take away the pressure and the stress. something helping us to see the larger picture.
even now, years after, i resort back to that as a source of comfort. but i fear at times i may not be living every second i can. i fear my life coming to an end before i am ready. i fear the flashbacks and not seeing myself as fully realizing my dreams and goals. i want to fully live every second i have. i want to fully experience joy, pain, happiness, sadness, love, loss, fear and fulfillment. i want to learn as much as i can from others and hopefully pass on something useful to them in exchange. i want to be contributory and instrumental in something larger then myself.
my biggest fear is that i am nothing more than a naive, theoretical utopian, but i want to be more than just a dreamer. i want to see it manifest. i want the idealistic to meet the realistic halfway. possibility?? you tell me...
Friday 9 October 2009
friendship
my views on people and relationships have been greatly impacted and morphed by the experiences i have lived... friendships have evolved. traveling has only made me see people as moments in time; sparks, if you will. even from a young age, i began to realize people are put together for mere moments, to exchange information, grow from one another, take something, and then move on, passing that something along to other people... creating a link through this act of exchange. we all can have an impact. we all can make a change. we all can grow and learn from each other, even if we have but five minutes with one another. make the most of it.
depending on your outlook this view of connecting can appear positive or negative. sometimes, for a very brief moment, i wish i had stayed in one place and had friends that i knew my whole life.. that had lived every moment and experience with me. but then, i'm quickly snapped back into reality.. my reality. i'm grateful for the life i've had. the people i've met. if i had never been able to experience all i have, living in such bipolar places, meeting people from all walks of life, getting perspectives from from both sides of the coin, ... i wouldn't be who i have become today. my ideals, goals, objectives, ethics and morals would be completely different. to me that's scary. a lot of that has to be credited to my parents. for them, they were just trying to make the best life they could for my brother and myself.. without knowing, they managed to give us so much more. invaluable lessons. at times, it was frustrating, even infuriating, not knowing where they were coming from... seeing them as perfect individuals. as soon as i saw them as human, my entire perception of them changed.
i do not see my family as family, but rather individuals with whom i have been able to share my life. i didn't choose them and they didn't choose me; though my mother will beg to differ. i view them as people with whom i have been able to connect, exchange, and grow. as soon as i did this my relationships with them improved. they don't know the answers either. they are still working through their own manifestations. it is an ongoing procedure, from birth to death and even to the 'unknown' (whether that be nirvana, enlightenment, reincarnation, heaven, hell, purgatory, .. whatever it may be). out of everybody they are the ones with whom i have the longest connection. i have known them the longest and we have seen each other for the good and the bad. yet we remain bonded. some families just live with the facts, not asking questions or pushing the limits trying to find meaning or make sense of it. i feel i have fought and suffered for these people. embracing the good and reveling in the joy. it doesn't change me from you or my love for them. it just is a different type of relationship and it seems to work just fine for me. we should try to make the most of any situation, right? never settle... that's my motto.
as soon as you begin viewing people as moments, the encounters turn into something almost sensational. the thought of these sparks morphing who we are... our identities, outlooks, perceptions, ... i relish this theory. sadly though, you get used to not having these long lasting connections. you move, change jobs, switch career paths, start families, ... you lose friends in the process. you try to hold onto those which you deem indispensable. it's tough. i've gone through it countless times. i've had amazing friends in my short life.. more than i probably should have been alloted in my entire life. but so it has worked out. i've fought hard to keep many of them, and i can proudly say i have managed to keep some of those. but on the other side, i have lost a lot... drifted apart, moved, ... but i still look back at them with great happiness and warmth, of the time and experiences we shared. it will forever be frozen in time, or just in my memory. their mark and impact on my life still a reminder. for that i am grateful. part of me wishes the same from them, but then again, we are only human. our feelings, emotions and memories all shaped by our perceptions and outlooks.
depending on your outlook this view of connecting can appear positive or negative. sometimes, for a very brief moment, i wish i had stayed in one place and had friends that i knew my whole life.. that had lived every moment and experience with me. but then, i'm quickly snapped back into reality.. my reality. i'm grateful for the life i've had. the people i've met. if i had never been able to experience all i have, living in such bipolar places, meeting people from all walks of life, getting perspectives from from both sides of the coin, ... i wouldn't be who i have become today. my ideals, goals, objectives, ethics and morals would be completely different. to me that's scary. a lot of that has to be credited to my parents. for them, they were just trying to make the best life they could for my brother and myself.. without knowing, they managed to give us so much more. invaluable lessons. at times, it was frustrating, even infuriating, not knowing where they were coming from... seeing them as perfect individuals. as soon as i saw them as human, my entire perception of them changed.
i do not see my family as family, but rather individuals with whom i have been able to share my life. i didn't choose them and they didn't choose me; though my mother will beg to differ. i view them as people with whom i have been able to connect, exchange, and grow. as soon as i did this my relationships with them improved. they don't know the answers either. they are still working through their own manifestations. it is an ongoing procedure, from birth to death and even to the 'unknown' (whether that be nirvana, enlightenment, reincarnation, heaven, hell, purgatory, .. whatever it may be). out of everybody they are the ones with whom i have the longest connection. i have known them the longest and we have seen each other for the good and the bad. yet we remain bonded. some families just live with the facts, not asking questions or pushing the limits trying to find meaning or make sense of it. i feel i have fought and suffered for these people. embracing the good and reveling in the joy. it doesn't change me from you or my love for them. it just is a different type of relationship and it seems to work just fine for me. we should try to make the most of any situation, right? never settle... that's my motto.
as soon as you begin viewing people as moments, the encounters turn into something almost sensational. the thought of these sparks morphing who we are... our identities, outlooks, perceptions, ... i relish this theory. sadly though, you get used to not having these long lasting connections. you move, change jobs, switch career paths, start families, ... you lose friends in the process. you try to hold onto those which you deem indispensable. it's tough. i've gone through it countless times. i've had amazing friends in my short life.. more than i probably should have been alloted in my entire life. but so it has worked out. i've fought hard to keep many of them, and i can proudly say i have managed to keep some of those. but on the other side, i have lost a lot... drifted apart, moved, ... but i still look back at them with great happiness and warmth, of the time and experiences we shared. it will forever be frozen in time, or just in my memory. their mark and impact on my life still a reminder. for that i am grateful. part of me wishes the same from them, but then again, we are only human. our feelings, emotions and memories all shaped by our perceptions and outlooks.
children
they say children are the wave of the future...
when i see these children and the lives they must face head on,
my heart skips a few beats;
their lives a world away from those they watch on the television.
how is it so that some have it so easy?
they go through life knowing nothing of pain and struggle.
everything handed to them without the slightest connotation.
meanwhile their counterparts must find the joy in the slightest things
as they needlessly suffer,
to keep them going strong from day to day.
in a sense you could argue it is the impermanence of life
that drives such suffering and enthusiasm.
at the same time it is heartbreaking when you realize
that something so small and simple, like that of a sincere approval,
what most children seek more than life itself,
make large and deep impacts.
you find it encouraging that you can spin a bad day into a good one
through a mere hug.
it is these almost trivial or overlooked details
that can strike a change.
it is then you see
even the smallest actions can have the most profound impacts.
you too can make an impact.
it doesn't take money
nor an ivy league degree;
merely a little patience and compassion.
when i see these children and the lives they must face head on,
my heart skips a few beats;
their lives a world away from those they watch on the television.
how is it so that some have it so easy?
they go through life knowing nothing of pain and struggle.
everything handed to them without the slightest connotation.
meanwhile their counterparts must find the joy in the slightest things
as they needlessly suffer,
to keep them going strong from day to day.
in a sense you could argue it is the impermanence of life
that drives such suffering and enthusiasm.
at the same time it is heartbreaking when you realize
that something so small and simple, like that of a sincere approval,
what most children seek more than life itself,
make large and deep impacts.
you find it encouraging that you can spin a bad day into a good one
through a mere hug.
it is these almost trivial or overlooked details
that can strike a change.
it is then you see
even the smallest actions can have the most profound impacts.
you too can make an impact.
it doesn't take money
nor an ivy league degree;
merely a little patience and compassion.
Saturday 12 September 2009
land i love
i felt a bit gipped.
my mindset was prepared for india or africa.
dirt floors, no plumbing, no electricity.
i was ready.
instead i was sent here.
jamaica.
i agreed and took the challenge.
it was reminiscent of my youth.
in some way i viewed it as a chance meeting with my naive dreams.
i viewed jamaica as an extension of myself and my identity.
in some way i was given an opportunity to reach out to my people and my country.
we all have a similar story, territories fought over and exchanged like goods in the market,
left to fend for ourselves and strive for survival.
a headache and an eyesore forgotten about and left for dead once exploited.
once i saw it in this light my outlook changed,
i felt committed to making a difference.
looking into the eyes of children and seeing myself reflected was incentive enough.
through them i saw myself as a child.
fortunately i had been given a chance.
didn't they deserve the same right?
their history and story much like the rest of the caribbean
was now being offered up for tourists to gawk at and criticize from their buffet tables.
with a smile and a laugh they appease them in hopes to put food on their own tables.
families struggle to make ends meet.
the divide of city versus country;
deeply embedded roots so soon forgotten,
though both equally fighting to get through.
the true segregation of rich and poor.
meager earnings not nearly enough for one must support an entire family.
the bitter contrast of top of the line appliances to fireplaces,
one bedroom shacks to seven bedroom palaces,
kerosene lamps to chandeliers...
women and men bartering themselves off to the highest bidders.
one's pleasure, another's painful reality.
self-worth based solely on income, at whatever cost and sacrifice.
the extreme becomes the norm...
and so it continues from generation to generation.
violence and passion, the two-fold handshake of an land full of contradiction.
the beauty and the severity of it merged to provide a foundation
for lives to be taken away just as easily as they are commenced.
a people, so diverse, made humble through their long suffering and persecution.
a society formed from a global melting pot, visions of united nations;
out of many, one people.
stories of hardships and perseverance are masked by the present day situation.
youth wasting their lives away for trivial pursuits and short term fulfillment,
blinded by the end product, promise of wealth, and ease of labor.
so many raised without affection or encouragement,
left to figure out the life their parents have passed along.
my mindset was prepared for india or africa.
dirt floors, no plumbing, no electricity.
i was ready.
instead i was sent here.
jamaica.
i agreed and took the challenge.
it was reminiscent of my youth.
in some way i viewed it as a chance meeting with my naive dreams.
i viewed jamaica as an extension of myself and my identity.
in some way i was given an opportunity to reach out to my people and my country.
we all have a similar story, territories fought over and exchanged like goods in the market,
left to fend for ourselves and strive for survival.
a headache and an eyesore forgotten about and left for dead once exploited.
once i saw it in this light my outlook changed,
i felt committed to making a difference.
looking into the eyes of children and seeing myself reflected was incentive enough.
through them i saw myself as a child.
fortunately i had been given a chance.
didn't they deserve the same right?
their history and story much like the rest of the caribbean
was now being offered up for tourists to gawk at and criticize from their buffet tables.
with a smile and a laugh they appease them in hopes to put food on their own tables.
families struggle to make ends meet.
the divide of city versus country;
deeply embedded roots so soon forgotten,
though both equally fighting to get through.
the true segregation of rich and poor.
meager earnings not nearly enough for one must support an entire family.
the bitter contrast of top of the line appliances to fireplaces,
one bedroom shacks to seven bedroom palaces,
kerosene lamps to chandeliers...
women and men bartering themselves off to the highest bidders.
one's pleasure, another's painful reality.
self-worth based solely on income, at whatever cost and sacrifice.
the extreme becomes the norm...
and so it continues from generation to generation.
violence and passion, the two-fold handshake of an land full of contradiction.
the beauty and the severity of it merged to provide a foundation
for lives to be taken away just as easily as they are commenced.
a people, so diverse, made humble through their long suffering and persecution.
a society formed from a global melting pot, visions of united nations;
out of many, one people.
stories of hardships and perseverance are masked by the present day situation.
youth wasting their lives away for trivial pursuits and short term fulfillment,
blinded by the end product, promise of wealth, and ease of labor.
so many raised without affection or encouragement,
left to figure out the life their parents have passed along.
love
what is love?
i spent so many years racking my mind.
tormenting my heart.
torturing myself.
in hindsight, needlessly.
in the hopes to find this miraculous thing so many spoke of.
so many wrote of.
i would guard myself.
so cautiously.
as not to lose anything.
misplace myself.
feel vulnerable.
feel so exposed.
naked even.
i would pine.
quietly.
suffer in silence.
for what?
to get nowhere.
yet have my secret safe.
trust was an issue.
still is.
i was my assurance.
another realm held my dreams, longings, desires, and the whole case of secrets.
the key never to be seen or found.
i convinced myself this was the way it had to be.
this was the way it was.
i was too sensitive to be seen.
too fragile to be touched.
too cautious to move.
i kept occupied with other trivial pursuits.
kept myself distracted.
tried to escape.
sometimes it worked.
other times it completely failed me.
when i did show an interest i was timid.
my mind would talk me out of it before i could utter a sound.
it was a game going on in my head.
except the speed control took over.
i had lost the power.
i became so conditioned to this.
this became the norm.
i made the move.
took control again.
it felt good.
i opened my mouth.
i professed what i felt.
it was unconditional love.
it was pure.
it was unselfish.
true.
whole.
all of me.
laid out.
i knew no other route.
closeness.
familiarity.
comfort.
acceptance.
a deeper bond.
all of which led to heartbreak.
after giving so much of myself for so long i felt lost in this sea of disparity.
who was i?
why did i give myself so freely?
had i been jaded?
irrational?
too much thinking.
mind ticking away.
staring at the ceiling.
counting dots as i reran through the events.
lost.
vulnerability in a new light.
raise the walls.
lock the doors.
so it started again.
shunning myself from intimacy.
avoiding attachment.
just being.
i believed i was realizing some predestined prophecy.
i had conquered it.
grown above it.
could easily exist without it.
like the buddhist monks i had studied.
had i found my "path" to enlightenment?
was i able to truly give everything up.
i convinced myself.
yes.
this was all a dream.
all an illusion.
i could not get swept into the emotions of life.
there was a larger picture to see.
i truly bought this.
i put so much energy and faith into belief.
i buried myself in work.
in school.
making my life only that.
it eventually caught up with me.
i burned out.
i blind-sided myself unknowingly.
when i least expected it.
i found that feeling again.
that feeling i thought i would never again feel.
the one which takes over your whole being.
the one which alters your mind.
transforms your heart.
changes the world.
makes everything beautiful.
sparkle.
tingle.
i tried to show caution.
the fear of regret inspired me.
risk won.
i took a chance.
it was still masked by my timidity.
i discovered a whole new world i had been missing.
every second brilliant.
rich.
sweet.
euphoric.
i let the walls down.
unlocked the doors.
it felt natural.
this feeling was too good to kick out.
i proclaimed my emotions.
pen and paper were the vehicle.
i felt it was too risky to blurt out.
it needed space and time.
point a to point b.
i was not big enough to see the whole picture.
my heart is still wrapped around this conviction.
this that i had laid out.
i felt so exposed that it scared me.
i retreated.
held myself back.
bit my tongue.
but for what?
if i were to pass tomorrow to another life.
another realm.
another universe.
what would i have to show for myself?
would i have lived every moment unafraid?
experienced all i had set out to?
i would still be holding on to this.
for it took such a piece of me to leave.
it was too painful.
my world shattered around me.
nothing was as important.
i lost a lot.
it is a constant reminder.
i continue to pick up the pieces.
my mind wanders so easily back to those moments.
my energy gone.
my drive somewhere.
waiting to be rediscovered.
i can only sleep to dream.
from this point i hold myself back.
the pain too real.
the scars still burning.
will i find that key again?
that one fit so well.
everything was aligned.
the cosmos even agreed.
i make an oath to try.
i have nothing to lose.
for i have lost it already.
though it stays with me in the back.
straggling along.
perhaps a reminder to live.
a reminder to risk it.
too much suffering.
i do not want to be a monk.
i want to live.
experience.
see all the possibilities.
if only i could learn to disable the mind.
constantly overanalyzing.
it is maddening.
nothing is simple enough.
i am left contemplating tenfold.
i spent so many years racking my mind.
tormenting my heart.
torturing myself.
in hindsight, needlessly.
in the hopes to find this miraculous thing so many spoke of.
so many wrote of.
i would guard myself.
so cautiously.
as not to lose anything.
misplace myself.
feel vulnerable.
feel so exposed.
naked even.
i would pine.
quietly.
suffer in silence.
for what?
to get nowhere.
yet have my secret safe.
trust was an issue.
still is.
i was my assurance.
another realm held my dreams, longings, desires, and the whole case of secrets.
the key never to be seen or found.
i convinced myself this was the way it had to be.
this was the way it was.
i was too sensitive to be seen.
too fragile to be touched.
too cautious to move.
i kept occupied with other trivial pursuits.
kept myself distracted.
tried to escape.
sometimes it worked.
other times it completely failed me.
when i did show an interest i was timid.
my mind would talk me out of it before i could utter a sound.
it was a game going on in my head.
except the speed control took over.
i had lost the power.
i became so conditioned to this.
this became the norm.
i made the move.
took control again.
it felt good.
i opened my mouth.
i professed what i felt.
it was unconditional love.
it was pure.
it was unselfish.
true.
whole.
all of me.
laid out.
i knew no other route.
closeness.
familiarity.
comfort.
acceptance.
a deeper bond.
all of which led to heartbreak.
after giving so much of myself for so long i felt lost in this sea of disparity.
who was i?
why did i give myself so freely?
had i been jaded?
irrational?
too much thinking.
mind ticking away.
staring at the ceiling.
counting dots as i reran through the events.
lost.
vulnerability in a new light.
raise the walls.
lock the doors.
so it started again.
shunning myself from intimacy.
avoiding attachment.
just being.
i believed i was realizing some predestined prophecy.
i had conquered it.
grown above it.
could easily exist without it.
like the buddhist monks i had studied.
had i found my "path" to enlightenment?
was i able to truly give everything up.
i convinced myself.
yes.
this was all a dream.
all an illusion.
i could not get swept into the emotions of life.
there was a larger picture to see.
i truly bought this.
i put so much energy and faith into belief.
i buried myself in work.
in school.
making my life only that.
it eventually caught up with me.
i burned out.
i blind-sided myself unknowingly.
when i least expected it.
i found that feeling again.
that feeling i thought i would never again feel.
the one which takes over your whole being.
the one which alters your mind.
transforms your heart.
changes the world.
makes everything beautiful.
sparkle.
tingle.
i tried to show caution.
the fear of regret inspired me.
risk won.
i took a chance.
it was still masked by my timidity.
i discovered a whole new world i had been missing.
every second brilliant.
rich.
sweet.
euphoric.
i let the walls down.
unlocked the doors.
it felt natural.
this feeling was too good to kick out.
i proclaimed my emotions.
pen and paper were the vehicle.
i felt it was too risky to blurt out.
it needed space and time.
point a to point b.
i was not big enough to see the whole picture.
my heart is still wrapped around this conviction.
this that i had laid out.
i felt so exposed that it scared me.
i retreated.
held myself back.
bit my tongue.
but for what?
if i were to pass tomorrow to another life.
another realm.
another universe.
what would i have to show for myself?
would i have lived every moment unafraid?
experienced all i had set out to?
i would still be holding on to this.
for it took such a piece of me to leave.
it was too painful.
my world shattered around me.
nothing was as important.
i lost a lot.
it is a constant reminder.
i continue to pick up the pieces.
my mind wanders so easily back to those moments.
my energy gone.
my drive somewhere.
waiting to be rediscovered.
i can only sleep to dream.
from this point i hold myself back.
the pain too real.
the scars still burning.
will i find that key again?
that one fit so well.
everything was aligned.
the cosmos even agreed.
i make an oath to try.
i have nothing to lose.
for i have lost it already.
though it stays with me in the back.
straggling along.
perhaps a reminder to live.
a reminder to risk it.
too much suffering.
i do not want to be a monk.
i want to live.
experience.
see all the possibilities.
if only i could learn to disable the mind.
constantly overanalyzing.
it is maddening.
nothing is simple enough.
i am left contemplating tenfold.
ramblings from the back of my mind
i feel guilty for all the opportunities i have been given. my life could have been a different story... born into an impoverished, developing country, left to try to fend for myself. instead i have a sea of options before me, i lose sleep over my future, i second guess myself and the opportunities which sit at my feet. i strain to find the equilibrium. i struggle between desire and expectation, constantly reminding myself i shouldn't feel this way... i should be grateful for where i have managed to end up and what i have been able to accomplish. isn't it just ignorant greed to want more? is it fair that i should have more chances to be different people, go different places, and learn different things? i battle with this... what is and what should be? what is just and unjust?
i feel the least i can do is give back... which reverts back to my vision of balance. i feel if i can do something which benefits more people, then i have attained my goals... i have done something to improve the larger picture. only then would i feel the sense of fulfilling my purpose in this life.
i feel my problems are so trivial and menial when i take a step back... i laugh briefly at my slight pretentiousness; then i feel humiliated at this thought of selfishness. i am my own worst enemy. i feel like a failure if i for one second stop thinking about the larger than life issues. it's a constant reality check. in turn it has helped me see life in a different light, not so much as my issues, but our issues. how does what i do affect others? how can my outlook manifest others? maybe there is no truth to my ideology, it could even be a coping mechanism, but as i see it, it helps me put everything into a more distinguishable interpretation.
maybe i will struggle for a lifetime with this.... i cannot say. it's not so clear cut as i would hope, but perhaps that is the beauty and reward of it. perhaps this is what life is all about, like buddha says, and through the hardship and suffering only then can joy and happiness be truly felt. i have yet to distinguish this as an overall truth, but for the time being it has made quite a lot of sense.
life seems so banal if there is no purpose. there has to be some point to all of this... right? i teeter between all the religions and meanings.. for me it seems we are here to help one another. its a heads and tails toss-up. heads promises a life full of opportunities, while tails promises a life full of hardships. it's a chance existence. we have to make the most of what we are dealt.. those with the upper hand should look out for those facing obstacles, for it could have been them on the other side. that's the most important part of this, it's all coincidental, out of our control.
we have to help our fellow brothers and sisters because it could be us in another life.. i believe heavily in karma and i am convinced it carries over after this life. i can't say i am a christian. i was raised in christianity, but i didn't believe it fully, i wasn't convinced it was the "only way," much to my parents chagrin. i believe there are good stories and morals which are shared in several religions. but who is to say in total conviction they know for sure... no one knows for sure. only the deceased know for sure and we won't know till we reach that point. if there is only one thing i will take from christianity, it is that we cannot judge. we have no right. so we cannot criticize other beliefs, religions, or walks of life. yet it happens. who is right?
why can't we see the similarities we share and embrace them? love your neighbor as yourself. hmm. so it goes. i spent my adolescence being judged and scrutinized by teachers, principals, friends, acquaintances, ... moving from one religious school to another. i couldn't fake the emotions. i wasn't allowed to question christianity or the bible. they were oblivious to the fact they were hypocrites in their so-called faith. i reached my breaking point and refused to keep my mouth shut. i was tired of being hushed and looked down upon. for a while religion had left me with a bitter taste. i refused any associations. it took some time to overcome my adverse feelings. i questioned life, purpose, ... . i felt like it was all for nothing. i felt pessimistic, that the only point was to reach death; that life was just pain and suffering. i discovered reassurance in buddhism. it made sense and started putting things into perspective. it made sense, the suffering, the relinquishing of desire... but i discovered it wasn't enough. there was something missing.
i looked into hinduism and took comfort in many of it's lessons. i merged this with some of the buddhist ideas as well as some scientific truths and created a bit of meaning from it all. everything is everything. life is all around us. we are everything from the trees in the park, to the dogs running around, to the baby in the carriage, the fish in the sea, to the flowers in the garden, to the man sitting on the bench, ... . this higher spiritual order, god, krishna, allah, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it is all one. i don't see distinguishable differences. there has to be something going on in the shadows; even science leads me to believe so. but i am no theologian. i'm just a perplexed 24 year old trying to make sense of this amazing and confusing place.
i feel the least i can do is give back... which reverts back to my vision of balance. i feel if i can do something which benefits more people, then i have attained my goals... i have done something to improve the larger picture. only then would i feel the sense of fulfilling my purpose in this life.
i feel my problems are so trivial and menial when i take a step back... i laugh briefly at my slight pretentiousness; then i feel humiliated at this thought of selfishness. i am my own worst enemy. i feel like a failure if i for one second stop thinking about the larger than life issues. it's a constant reality check. in turn it has helped me see life in a different light, not so much as my issues, but our issues. how does what i do affect others? how can my outlook manifest others? maybe there is no truth to my ideology, it could even be a coping mechanism, but as i see it, it helps me put everything into a more distinguishable interpretation.
maybe i will struggle for a lifetime with this.... i cannot say. it's not so clear cut as i would hope, but perhaps that is the beauty and reward of it. perhaps this is what life is all about, like buddha says, and through the hardship and suffering only then can joy and happiness be truly felt. i have yet to distinguish this as an overall truth, but for the time being it has made quite a lot of sense.
life seems so banal if there is no purpose. there has to be some point to all of this... right? i teeter between all the religions and meanings.. for me it seems we are here to help one another. its a heads and tails toss-up. heads promises a life full of opportunities, while tails promises a life full of hardships. it's a chance existence. we have to make the most of what we are dealt.. those with the upper hand should look out for those facing obstacles, for it could have been them on the other side. that's the most important part of this, it's all coincidental, out of our control.
we have to help our fellow brothers and sisters because it could be us in another life.. i believe heavily in karma and i am convinced it carries over after this life. i can't say i am a christian. i was raised in christianity, but i didn't believe it fully, i wasn't convinced it was the "only way," much to my parents chagrin. i believe there are good stories and morals which are shared in several religions. but who is to say in total conviction they know for sure... no one knows for sure. only the deceased know for sure and we won't know till we reach that point. if there is only one thing i will take from christianity, it is that we cannot judge. we have no right. so we cannot criticize other beliefs, religions, or walks of life. yet it happens. who is right?
why can't we see the similarities we share and embrace them? love your neighbor as yourself. hmm. so it goes. i spent my adolescence being judged and scrutinized by teachers, principals, friends, acquaintances, ... moving from one religious school to another. i couldn't fake the emotions. i wasn't allowed to question christianity or the bible. they were oblivious to the fact they were hypocrites in their so-called faith. i reached my breaking point and refused to keep my mouth shut. i was tired of being hushed and looked down upon. for a while religion had left me with a bitter taste. i refused any associations. it took some time to overcome my adverse feelings. i questioned life, purpose, ... . i felt like it was all for nothing. i felt pessimistic, that the only point was to reach death; that life was just pain and suffering. i discovered reassurance in buddhism. it made sense and started putting things into perspective. it made sense, the suffering, the relinquishing of desire... but i discovered it wasn't enough. there was something missing.
i looked into hinduism and took comfort in many of it's lessons. i merged this with some of the buddhist ideas as well as some scientific truths and created a bit of meaning from it all. everything is everything. life is all around us. we are everything from the trees in the park, to the dogs running around, to the baby in the carriage, the fish in the sea, to the flowers in the garden, to the man sitting on the bench, ... . this higher spiritual order, god, krishna, allah, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it is all one. i don't see distinguishable differences. there has to be something going on in the shadows; even science leads me to believe so. but i am no theologian. i'm just a perplexed 24 year old trying to make sense of this amazing and confusing place.
the days have passed me by
i started another blog for my "jamaican experience," but not everything is about peace corps, nor do i wish for it to be. there is more going on than just peace corps and well.. as this has been my outlet for so long, i felt it only natural to return and share my thoughts and musings.
you can find my peace corps blog at pickney gal love di guavaberry
you can find my peace corps blog at pickney gal love di guavaberry
Friday 6 March 2009
amici miei
all i wanted to do this time i was home was take a road trip with some friends.. unfortunately, everyone was either working or unemployed and miserably broke. so it goes. i hope when i am old i can have as much fun as these hooligans.
less than 2 weeks... the last week has been a blur of hypocritical consumerism, but to my defense i had no choice, all purchases were necessary, well thought out and planned. i am most definitely over it and ready to move on with my life. there's been too much drama lately, which i suppose no exit would be fair game without it, but i am desperately hoping things can turn around and all end on a rather semi-sweet note. this week was a lovely reminder of how towns and cities should be: full of photographers with amazing labs; creative shoemakers; and crafty seamstresses. the world could be such a better place with diverse, community involvement!
hopefully i will be heading to miami tomorrow for the weekend. no real plans yet... in part due to my father's car accident earlier this evening. he ran into a semi-truck... literally under and into one. thank god he is alive, but sleep deprivation is no joke, nor is driving while sleep deprived. don't do it kids, just say no. the right side of the car is all screwed up, but otherwise it is amazingly still running.
less than 2 weeks... the last week has been a blur of hypocritical consumerism, but to my defense i had no choice, all purchases were necessary, well thought out and planned. i am most definitely over it and ready to move on with my life. there's been too much drama lately, which i suppose no exit would be fair game without it, but i am desperately hoping things can turn around and all end on a rather semi-sweet note. this week was a lovely reminder of how towns and cities should be: full of photographers with amazing labs; creative shoemakers; and crafty seamstresses. the world could be such a better place with diverse, community involvement!
hopefully i will be heading to miami tomorrow for the weekend. no real plans yet... in part due to my father's car accident earlier this evening. he ran into a semi-truck... literally under and into one. thank god he is alive, but sleep deprivation is no joke, nor is driving while sleep deprived. don't do it kids, just say no. the right side of the car is all screwed up, but otherwise it is amazingly still running.
Tuesday 3 March 2009
Friday 20 February 2009
passing time in line
being unemployed has opened my eyes to the many injustices and negative generalizations that are inflicted upon those who do not have a "job." i have had to deal with medical issues, not having insurance or coverage of any kind. i have been laughed out of doctor's offices at the slightest concern about prices and rates for non-insured patients and i have been charged hefty amounts without even a twinge in their eye. as well, with the economy in the midst of puberty, not having a job is tough work just to stay alive. luckily i have my parents support, but even still, i am without the means to accomplish anything outside myself.
i found myself this morning, among the entire community, inside the factory that is the king of big boxes, which we shall call the big w. i am about to expose myself as a hypocrite, so pay close attention, i hope it will be the last. yes, i was at the big w. i'm broke. i have to eat. big w had the things i needed for a very reasonable price, much unlike floridians' favorite, which we shall call the grand p. now i have to admit i have been seen at this big w often since i have been home. in a small town where there is not much choice within a certain circumferance you learn to make compromises. and, well, i made compromises.
other times that i had frequented this big w it was like any other of its kind, full of lost faces roaming the aisles, a minute few buying things no one will ever need, and the rest just trying to make it through the week. but today was surreal. this morning's visit left me stuped. i was standing in line with my bag of apples and chicken looking around a bit, as most people do to pass the time while stuck in unimaginablly long lines. all of a sudden i was overcome. every single lane was open, including all of the mini lanes (for 20 items and under). as well, every lane was completely filled to the brim with lines just as long as mine, some a bit longer. now, i have never seen a sight such as this... long lines yes, of course, but every lane open and completely full, no. what gives, it's a weekday at 10 am? everybody was out and about, from 1 to 99. all the geriatrics were there with their walkers and wheelers. middle agers with hair dye and bananas. young stay at home moms with small tikes, baskets brimming with generic jiffy, generic wonder bread, ... you get the point. teenagers skipping class. majority unemployed, just like me. everyone is seeking bargains, and who can blame them. unfortunately health has had to take a backseat to the fight of economy vs. survival. and well, with many people unemployed, medical care is becoming less attainable. it's too early to say if this will be one of those "it will make you stronger" events or "survival of the 'fittest'" events. i guess time will tell. maybe i'm just not that with it and this is a normal occurence where we all take it for granted and move on with our lives. and perhaps we should... but it's still a bit unsettling to see such a dizzying stir in one uneventful, weekday morning in small town, usa.
i found myself this morning, among the entire community, inside the factory that is the king of big boxes, which we shall call the big w. i am about to expose myself as a hypocrite, so pay close attention, i hope it will be the last. yes, i was at the big w. i'm broke. i have to eat. big w had the things i needed for a very reasonable price, much unlike floridians' favorite, which we shall call the grand p. now i have to admit i have been seen at this big w often since i have been home. in a small town where there is not much choice within a certain circumferance you learn to make compromises. and, well, i made compromises.
other times that i had frequented this big w it was like any other of its kind, full of lost faces roaming the aisles, a minute few buying things no one will ever need, and the rest just trying to make it through the week. but today was surreal. this morning's visit left me stuped. i was standing in line with my bag of apples and chicken looking around a bit, as most people do to pass the time while stuck in unimaginablly long lines. all of a sudden i was overcome. every single lane was open, including all of the mini lanes (for 20 items and under). as well, every lane was completely filled to the brim with lines just as long as mine, some a bit longer. now, i have never seen a sight such as this... long lines yes, of course, but every lane open and completely full, no. what gives, it's a weekday at 10 am? everybody was out and about, from 1 to 99. all the geriatrics were there with their walkers and wheelers. middle agers with hair dye and bananas. young stay at home moms with small tikes, baskets brimming with generic jiffy, generic wonder bread, ... you get the point. teenagers skipping class. majority unemployed, just like me. everyone is seeking bargains, and who can blame them. unfortunately health has had to take a backseat to the fight of economy vs. survival. and well, with many people unemployed, medical care is becoming less attainable. it's too early to say if this will be one of those "it will make you stronger" events or "survival of the 'fittest'" events. i guess time will tell. maybe i'm just not that with it and this is a normal occurence where we all take it for granted and move on with our lives. and perhaps we should... but it's still a bit unsettling to see such a dizzying stir in one uneventful, weekday morning in small town, usa.
Thursday 19 February 2009
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Monday 16 February 2009
miami recap
i need to get my negatives developed soon. i'm missing out on my photos. i took a few at the pinecrest gardener's market this past sunday. i ended up staying in miami for the weekend. i drove to drop the doctor off. i hate goodbyes. i am too emotional so i like to just avoid them and stay as unattached as i can... i have tried this for a long time, but so far all attempts have failed me. luckily i had some friends around to get my mind off of farewells, so i headed to the old alma mater (hah i can say that now and i realize how cheesy it truly sounds).
everything has changed... i haven't been around for a long time, but still, when did 826 and 836 become unneccesary toll roads??? contruction is still booming, or has come to a sever halt, however there are new shadows being cast on the city. even the airport is in transition. jesus. school was no different. come to find they have revamped the system, locking students into a complete study program -- undergrad + grad. damn, high expectations they have and distorted views about their education system to think people would want to stay with the same perspective. caught up with some friends who are now in grad school and explored the place a bit. so many memories. cutting many fingers in the middle of the night, running to the health center for stitches, falling alseep by the vending machines, computer lab, pinups, ... ahh good days. now its filled with kids who seem so young and impressionable, .. (were we like this?) and complete strangers. it's strange and i feel old. the bustelo stand seems to be surviving the dark, overbearing presence of starbucks. the casis meeting ended up being david and 3 other kids. why don't these kids care about their environment, community, social issues? i hope it will gain more attention and attendees. the dark demon is no longer advising. she has been replaced by a younger, inexperienced fill in. i don't know what's worse, but at least if she is approachable it's a significant improvement.
i made it for petersen's birthday as well as an eventful homecoming the following night. i guess nobody knew i was going to be in town for the joyous event, granted as i haven't been to miami in over a year, who would think i would be there. regardless, everyone's reactions were priceless and made me feel extra special to know that i had been missed so deeply. it was overwhelming to have one night to catch up with everybody but it was lovely. from edna's cake to the cheese balls and empanadas, it was a hit.
i lost my wii powers, i guess only playing those few times in prague and competing against people who play all the time isn't really fair though. i thought i was working wonders with my golf swing only to learn i was performing horribly... double bogey is in fact worse than bogey. so it goes. i have missed my friends, and i have probably missed out on a lot. maybe some of them i have drifted from, but i try to hold on to what remains for most and try to keep going. i learned early about the complexities of life and the things which are fair, unavoidable, and inevitable. i may not know the final outcomes of most of my decisions yet, but i do know i had to sacrifice certain things to go where i wanted or do what i wanted. and knowing that i have no rocks unturned leaves me living a life without regret, and for that i am able to sleep at night, some nights. it's difficult to keep your head level when everything in life is constantly sidewinding us. i don't know. regardless, it was a good trip. short, but good to see everybody and catch up. damn good apricot pockets jules!
valentines was jules, erika, and myself at taco rico. group nap. this amazingly, cheesy show called cheaters was having a marathon (catches people in the act of cheating -- supposedly the host has been hospitalized for intensive run-ins with the cheaters). ended the night with the eagle vs the shark, a lovely new zealand gem of a movie. all in all the weekend was well enjoyed.
everything has changed... i haven't been around for a long time, but still, when did 826 and 836 become unneccesary toll roads??? contruction is still booming, or has come to a sever halt, however there are new shadows being cast on the city. even the airport is in transition. jesus. school was no different. come to find they have revamped the system, locking students into a complete study program -- undergrad + grad. damn, high expectations they have and distorted views about their education system to think people would want to stay with the same perspective. caught up with some friends who are now in grad school and explored the place a bit. so many memories. cutting many fingers in the middle of the night, running to the health center for stitches, falling alseep by the vending machines, computer lab, pinups, ... ahh good days. now its filled with kids who seem so young and impressionable, .. (were we like this?) and complete strangers. it's strange and i feel old. the bustelo stand seems to be surviving the dark, overbearing presence of starbucks. the casis meeting ended up being david and 3 other kids. why don't these kids care about their environment, community, social issues? i hope it will gain more attention and attendees. the dark demon is no longer advising. she has been replaced by a younger, inexperienced fill in. i don't know what's worse, but at least if she is approachable it's a significant improvement.
i made it for petersen's birthday as well as an eventful homecoming the following night. i guess nobody knew i was going to be in town for the joyous event, granted as i haven't been to miami in over a year, who would think i would be there. regardless, everyone's reactions were priceless and made me feel extra special to know that i had been missed so deeply. it was overwhelming to have one night to catch up with everybody but it was lovely. from edna's cake to the cheese balls and empanadas, it was a hit.
i lost my wii powers, i guess only playing those few times in prague and competing against people who play all the time isn't really fair though. i thought i was working wonders with my golf swing only to learn i was performing horribly... double bogey is in fact worse than bogey. so it goes. i have missed my friends, and i have probably missed out on a lot. maybe some of them i have drifted from, but i try to hold on to what remains for most and try to keep going. i learned early about the complexities of life and the things which are fair, unavoidable, and inevitable. i may not know the final outcomes of most of my decisions yet, but i do know i had to sacrifice certain things to go where i wanted or do what i wanted. and knowing that i have no rocks unturned leaves me living a life without regret, and for that i am able to sleep at night, some nights. it's difficult to keep your head level when everything in life is constantly sidewinding us. i don't know. regardless, it was a good trip. short, but good to see everybody and catch up. damn good apricot pockets jules!
valentines was jules, erika, and myself at taco rico. group nap. this amazingly, cheesy show called cheaters was having a marathon (catches people in the act of cheating -- supposedly the host has been hospitalized for intensive run-ins with the cheaters). ended the night with the eagle vs the shark, a lovely new zealand gem of a movie. all in all the weekend was well enjoyed.
Monday 2 February 2009
a much needed house call
yes, the doctor is in town.
though shortlived, it is providing that necessary older sibling reassurance i have been craving since i stepped back on national soil. the whole family thing never really worked for me... and the only thing to get me through those rough times was my brother. so at this time (with this latest bout of the blues i've been trying to rid myself, while trying to be everyone for my parents: an architect, daughter, mother, sibling, therapist, miracle worker, cordial, ...) it comes as a very welcome visit. plus, since neither of us are usually home at the same time, it will be great to have some real "family" time before i leave. i do miss the kid and i wish i could take him to jamaica with me. though i cannot complain, i was lucky enough to be with him for the past 6 months.
i tend to distance myself with people once i know i'm leaving, it makes leaving bearable and then i don't have to go through the emotions of goodbye. unfortunately, i have no 'real' control over this and it's usually those closest to me, friends and family, that i back away from. who is to say this is problematic, we all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies, and who is to judge... it's a coping mechanism i learned early on and, well, it stuck.
regardless, i'm grateful for these next couple of weeks. hopefully, i can make more of an effort to be more involved.
Monday 19 January 2009
Sunday 11 January 2009
sunday
national geographic mother load.
life's memories in a box.
inspiration lurking at every step.
hogan's heroes.
blueberry soy-gurt.
it's 07:30 and i am wide awake on a sunday morning.
damn spontaneous combustion.
life's memories in a box.
inspiration lurking at every step.
hogan's heroes.
blueberry soy-gurt.
it's 07:30 and i am wide awake on a sunday morning.
damn spontaneous combustion.
Thursday 8 January 2009
Florida Statewide March For Palestine
Lake Eola Park (Center Street), Saturday, 10 January 2009, 13h00
Organizers: A.N.S.W.E.R. (Act Now to Stop War & End Racism) Florida, South Florida Palestine Solidarity Network, Arab American Community Center of Orlando, Muslim Student Association at UCF, St. Pete for Peace, Rise-up Tampa Bay, Florida Peace Action Network, Iraq Veterans Against the War, and more...
Bring your signs, flags, and, of course, your heart and spirit. If you have any questions concerning this event, please contact the appropriate person from the list below.
Miami SFPSN Contact: Muhammed Malik, 305-761-6843
ANSWER - FL Contact: John Daly, 954-707-0155
Orlando Organizer: Rasha Mubarak, 407-590-9952
Orlando Organizer: Ahmad Deeb, 407-232-0667
Orlando Media/Outreach: Ali Kurnaz, 407-923-7424
GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS TO GAZA RALLY DEMONSTRATORS
— The following items will be needed:
• Lots of flags
• Signs on board
• T-shirts
• Megaphones / bullhorns
We will provide some signs, but be creative! Sit with your family and friends before the protest and write out your messages ("End the Siege," "Palestinians are Humans Too," "Stop Killing the Innocent," etc.)
— The following will be prohibited and not allowed:
• Masks (or any other face covers), sticks, bats, knifes, guns, or any other kind of weapon
• Flags to be burnt
• Hateful statements & explicit language (this will not achieve our community's goals and should not be practiced around our children)
We call upon ALL of Florida to STAND TOGETHER, to STOP the ILLEGAL COLLECTIVE PUNISHMENT, to STOP the HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, to STOP the INVASION, to STOP the SIEGE, and to STOP the OCCUPATION of Gaza!
Organizers: A.N.S.W.E.R. (Act Now to Stop War & End Racism) Florida, South Florida Palestine Solidarity Network, Arab American Community Center of Orlando, Muslim Student Association at UCF, St. Pete for Peace, Rise-up Tampa Bay, Florida Peace Action Network, Iraq Veterans Against the War, and more...
Bring your signs, flags, and, of course, your heart and spirit. If you have any questions concerning this event, please contact the appropriate person from the list below.
Miami SFPSN Contact: Muhammed Malik, 305-761-6843
ANSWER - FL Contact: John Daly, 954-707-0155
Orlando Organizer: Rasha Mubarak, 407-590-9952
Orlando Organizer: Ahmad Deeb, 407-232-0667
Orlando Media/Outreach: Ali Kurnaz, 407-923-7424
GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS TO GAZA RALLY DEMONSTRATORS
— The following items will be needed:
• Lots of flags
• Signs on board
• T-shirts
• Megaphones / bullhorns
We will provide some signs, but be creative! Sit with your family and friends before the protest and write out your messages ("End the Siege," "Palestinians are Humans Too," "Stop Killing the Innocent," etc.)
— The following will be prohibited and not allowed:
• Masks (or any other face covers), sticks, bats, knifes, guns, or any other kind of weapon
• Flags to be burnt
• Hateful statements & explicit language (this will not achieve our community's goals and should not be practiced around our children)
We call upon ALL of Florida to STAND TOGETHER, to STOP the ILLEGAL COLLECTIVE PUNISHMENT, to STOP the HUMANITARIAN CRISIS, to STOP the INVASION, to STOP the SIEGE, and to STOP the OCCUPATION of Gaza!
Saturday 3 January 2009
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