the one thing which got me through my last semester of architecture school was looking ahead. granted, i should have been living every second in the moment, but that moment in time was too stressful and too overwhelming. to make it through i had to put aside my stresses and hang-ups and see the bigger picture. what could i make of this? what good could come from this? petersen and i would sit in the courtyard planning our magnificent lives.. from grad school in the netherlands, to working in the united nations as an ambassador for social housing, to seeking out humanitarian aid projects, ...; just talking about it reinforced my dreams, goals and ideals. it gave me a reason to keep going, fueled my spirit and motivated me to push through. whenever it got too much, we would bring ourselves back to reality and a center of calmness by encouraging each other with our lofty goals and dreams. it was something else to focus on.. something to take away the pressure and the stress. something helping us to see the larger picture.
even now, years after, i resort back to that as a source of comfort. but i fear at times i may not be living every second i can. i fear my life coming to an end before i am ready. i fear the flashbacks and not seeing myself as fully realizing my dreams and goals. i want to fully live every second i have. i want to fully experience joy, pain, happiness, sadness, love, loss, fear and fulfillment. i want to learn as much as i can from others and hopefully pass on something useful to them in exchange. i want to be contributory and instrumental in something larger then myself.
my biggest fear is that i am nothing more than a naive, theoretical utopian, but i want to be more than just a dreamer. i want to see it manifest. i want the idealistic to meet the realistic halfway. possibility?? you tell me...
Friday 9 October 2009
friendship
my views on people and relationships have been greatly impacted and morphed by the experiences i have lived... friendships have evolved. traveling has only made me see people as moments in time; sparks, if you will. even from a young age, i began to realize people are put together for mere moments, to exchange information, grow from one another, take something, and then move on, passing that something along to other people... creating a link through this act of exchange. we all can have an impact. we all can make a change. we all can grow and learn from each other, even if we have but five minutes with one another. make the most of it.
depending on your outlook this view of connecting can appear positive or negative. sometimes, for a very brief moment, i wish i had stayed in one place and had friends that i knew my whole life.. that had lived every moment and experience with me. but then, i'm quickly snapped back into reality.. my reality. i'm grateful for the life i've had. the people i've met. if i had never been able to experience all i have, living in such bipolar places, meeting people from all walks of life, getting perspectives from from both sides of the coin, ... i wouldn't be who i have become today. my ideals, goals, objectives, ethics and morals would be completely different. to me that's scary. a lot of that has to be credited to my parents. for them, they were just trying to make the best life they could for my brother and myself.. without knowing, they managed to give us so much more. invaluable lessons. at times, it was frustrating, even infuriating, not knowing where they were coming from... seeing them as perfect individuals. as soon as i saw them as human, my entire perception of them changed.
i do not see my family as family, but rather individuals with whom i have been able to share my life. i didn't choose them and they didn't choose me; though my mother will beg to differ. i view them as people with whom i have been able to connect, exchange, and grow. as soon as i did this my relationships with them improved. they don't know the answers either. they are still working through their own manifestations. it is an ongoing procedure, from birth to death and even to the 'unknown' (whether that be nirvana, enlightenment, reincarnation, heaven, hell, purgatory, .. whatever it may be). out of everybody they are the ones with whom i have the longest connection. i have known them the longest and we have seen each other for the good and the bad. yet we remain bonded. some families just live with the facts, not asking questions or pushing the limits trying to find meaning or make sense of it. i feel i have fought and suffered for these people. embracing the good and reveling in the joy. it doesn't change me from you or my love for them. it just is a different type of relationship and it seems to work just fine for me. we should try to make the most of any situation, right? never settle... that's my motto.
as soon as you begin viewing people as moments, the encounters turn into something almost sensational. the thought of these sparks morphing who we are... our identities, outlooks, perceptions, ... i relish this theory. sadly though, you get used to not having these long lasting connections. you move, change jobs, switch career paths, start families, ... you lose friends in the process. you try to hold onto those which you deem indispensable. it's tough. i've gone through it countless times. i've had amazing friends in my short life.. more than i probably should have been alloted in my entire life. but so it has worked out. i've fought hard to keep many of them, and i can proudly say i have managed to keep some of those. but on the other side, i have lost a lot... drifted apart, moved, ... but i still look back at them with great happiness and warmth, of the time and experiences we shared. it will forever be frozen in time, or just in my memory. their mark and impact on my life still a reminder. for that i am grateful. part of me wishes the same from them, but then again, we are only human. our feelings, emotions and memories all shaped by our perceptions and outlooks.
depending on your outlook this view of connecting can appear positive or negative. sometimes, for a very brief moment, i wish i had stayed in one place and had friends that i knew my whole life.. that had lived every moment and experience with me. but then, i'm quickly snapped back into reality.. my reality. i'm grateful for the life i've had. the people i've met. if i had never been able to experience all i have, living in such bipolar places, meeting people from all walks of life, getting perspectives from from both sides of the coin, ... i wouldn't be who i have become today. my ideals, goals, objectives, ethics and morals would be completely different. to me that's scary. a lot of that has to be credited to my parents. for them, they were just trying to make the best life they could for my brother and myself.. without knowing, they managed to give us so much more. invaluable lessons. at times, it was frustrating, even infuriating, not knowing where they were coming from... seeing them as perfect individuals. as soon as i saw them as human, my entire perception of them changed.
i do not see my family as family, but rather individuals with whom i have been able to share my life. i didn't choose them and they didn't choose me; though my mother will beg to differ. i view them as people with whom i have been able to connect, exchange, and grow. as soon as i did this my relationships with them improved. they don't know the answers either. they are still working through their own manifestations. it is an ongoing procedure, from birth to death and even to the 'unknown' (whether that be nirvana, enlightenment, reincarnation, heaven, hell, purgatory, .. whatever it may be). out of everybody they are the ones with whom i have the longest connection. i have known them the longest and we have seen each other for the good and the bad. yet we remain bonded. some families just live with the facts, not asking questions or pushing the limits trying to find meaning or make sense of it. i feel i have fought and suffered for these people. embracing the good and reveling in the joy. it doesn't change me from you or my love for them. it just is a different type of relationship and it seems to work just fine for me. we should try to make the most of any situation, right? never settle... that's my motto.
as soon as you begin viewing people as moments, the encounters turn into something almost sensational. the thought of these sparks morphing who we are... our identities, outlooks, perceptions, ... i relish this theory. sadly though, you get used to not having these long lasting connections. you move, change jobs, switch career paths, start families, ... you lose friends in the process. you try to hold onto those which you deem indispensable. it's tough. i've gone through it countless times. i've had amazing friends in my short life.. more than i probably should have been alloted in my entire life. but so it has worked out. i've fought hard to keep many of them, and i can proudly say i have managed to keep some of those. but on the other side, i have lost a lot... drifted apart, moved, ... but i still look back at them with great happiness and warmth, of the time and experiences we shared. it will forever be frozen in time, or just in my memory. their mark and impact on my life still a reminder. for that i am grateful. part of me wishes the same from them, but then again, we are only human. our feelings, emotions and memories all shaped by our perceptions and outlooks.
children
they say children are the wave of the future...
when i see these children and the lives they must face head on,
my heart skips a few beats;
their lives a world away from those they watch on the television.
how is it so that some have it so easy?
they go through life knowing nothing of pain and struggle.
everything handed to them without the slightest connotation.
meanwhile their counterparts must find the joy in the slightest things
as they needlessly suffer,
to keep them going strong from day to day.
in a sense you could argue it is the impermanence of life
that drives such suffering and enthusiasm.
at the same time it is heartbreaking when you realize
that something so small and simple, like that of a sincere approval,
what most children seek more than life itself,
make large and deep impacts.
you find it encouraging that you can spin a bad day into a good one
through a mere hug.
it is these almost trivial or overlooked details
that can strike a change.
it is then you see
even the smallest actions can have the most profound impacts.
you too can make an impact.
it doesn't take money
nor an ivy league degree;
merely a little patience and compassion.
when i see these children and the lives they must face head on,
my heart skips a few beats;
their lives a world away from those they watch on the television.
how is it so that some have it so easy?
they go through life knowing nothing of pain and struggle.
everything handed to them without the slightest connotation.
meanwhile their counterparts must find the joy in the slightest things
as they needlessly suffer,
to keep them going strong from day to day.
in a sense you could argue it is the impermanence of life
that drives such suffering and enthusiasm.
at the same time it is heartbreaking when you realize
that something so small and simple, like that of a sincere approval,
what most children seek more than life itself,
make large and deep impacts.
you find it encouraging that you can spin a bad day into a good one
through a mere hug.
it is these almost trivial or overlooked details
that can strike a change.
it is then you see
even the smallest actions can have the most profound impacts.
you too can make an impact.
it doesn't take money
nor an ivy league degree;
merely a little patience and compassion.
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