every trip home is a rude awakening,
marked with guilt, grief and frustration.
i appreciate the time home,
but it's always foreshadowed by something.
i get that uneasy feeling and flashbacks to my youth...
(and it never really feels like home unless everyone is present).
this past time at home was a bit over the top,
not that most times aren't,
but in a different kind of way.
it seemed like we were all so disconnected from one another.
all strangers pretending we knew each other.
there wasn't much to talk about during the lulls
and it was stark silence except for meaningless fillers.
i don't get it.
when did we all become like this?
we're a family and yet we act least like a functioning family...
perhaps functioning isn't so fair a term to use,
but it's the best i can do at the moment.
it's emotionally draining.
i feel like i have to be someone else to please everyone
and not talk or god forbid i offend and piss everyone off.
so, i turn into a silent mute who just watches everything and everyone.
i try not to offend.
i try to prove my genuine,
undying love,
and,
above all,
i try to keep everyone happy.
if we could all see and accept that we are merely humans,
trying to make sense of this thing called life,
and that we're in it together,
well,
i feel we'd have a better chance.
we have somehow been connected together,
probably for a reason,
whether to help one another,
or for some invisible and unknown reason.
we should strive to encourage one another
and build one another up when we fall on hard times...
instead we dwell on the negatives and let it hold us back.
