i'll be home for christmas

So after much deliberation, we decided it may be a good idea for me to head up to see my family for the holidays... with so much going on and a baby coming, along with out of control hormones and slight homesickness for the sight of my family, it could be the best idea or it could blow up in my face. Regardless, since I have spent the past two Christmases in Jamaica, it seems only fitting to try and make an effort to reach out and reconnect with them. I'm nervous as it has been a while since I last saw them; I believe it was February last seeing my parents and the previous winter when I had seen my brother and his now wife; much less I have not spoken with them, minus my dad for the past six months. It's life and well, sometimes those uncomfortable things are those we must face as bravely as possible... for the regret would outweigh the anxiety. So I'll be home for Christmas, I'm very much looking forward to seeing all of them yet equally saddened to leave my husband and the kids yet again, especially this year, with the events of last year coming soon into memory. We just hope the Embassy can get their act together and soon enough he'll be free to come up and this nonsense of back and forth and living in two different places will come to an end. Booking my ticket tonight, can't think this anymore otherwise I don't think I will be finding myself going anywhere.

we've got a date.. at the embassy

FINALLY! The date we had all been waiting for tirelessly, finally came... We barely slept the night before, out of fear we would oversleep and anticipation for what would unfold the next day. We stumbled out of bed a bit after one in the morning.. I warmed some food, put on the coffee and tried desperately to get the old man to rise, but it took a few tricks and kicks and eventually he rolled out of bed only to make bets who would be ready first. We headed down the road only to find nobody was ready and we tried to fight off the sleep which was still in our eyes... eventually we got on the road, speedily trying to make reach the Embassy before 7am. We managed a quick sip of coffee at Juici Patty only to scurry our way across the street to join the overwhelming line of hopeful, Jamaican passport holders.

We managed to get in, to join yet another line.. this time we were soon separated as we learned spouses were not allowed to enter the visa immigration department with the applicants. So I waited in the courtyard and he reluctantly went in with an envelope and a half worried look on his face. Hours passed and I had no idea what was going on.. I found my way to the restrooms, only to see his back as I was exiting.. I inconspicuously took the seat next to him, after which he gave me the running update and we patiently waited for his name to be called. About 20 minutes later they called him to a window and so began his very public interview... which lasted about 30-40 minutes and included questions about every aspect of our relationship. Needless to say, all went well and despite his nervousness and apprehension, he appeared ever confident. It was with that the interview ended and he was given the OK; only he needed to send in an original signed document and then he could be scheduled again, to drop off his passport, so the visa could be issued.

We made the necessary calls and coordinated for the document to be overnight-ed, so as not to waste any precious time. Disappointed, but thankful, we made the trek home, wishing the stars had been a bit more aligned. We didn't make it back till late and by then we had passed exhaustion. We somehow made it home only to eat a little something and pass out. All in all not hopeless.

8 weeks and counting

So it's official, 8 weeks along and here is the first image of our dear little joy. Everything seems normal, healthy and going along as it should. More testing Monday, till then just trying to take it easy and up my food intake, something which is proving rather challenging.

and baby makes...

On the 10 November 2012, came home from a day in Savanna-La-Mar feeling miserable -- headache, sore throat, fever and just plain sick. If only we knew what was to unfold in the following week... sickness prevailed and left me pretty much bed-ridden with an intense fever, loss of appetite and overall sense of aching and misery and leaving me about 10 pounds lighter. As we came to find out, it was all just the beginning of my body bracing itself for the start of a new life... Yes! Finally pregnant! We are ecstatic with the news and the whole family is simply overjoyed. I guess timing is everything and when it's right, it will happen. After years of several doctors telling me what a difficulty it would be and that it may never happen, and after trying for quite some time to get nowhere, this was quite a surprise. It's much to early to say much on the news, we have to give it all a bit of time before we can head to the doctor, but surely taking it easy and hoping to shake this perilous sickness which is taking its toll. It's a bit nerve-racking to know this time next year, if all goes well, there will be a new addition and life will be completely different in so many ways -- yet, in the same breath, as with anything new, time will give way to comfort and normalcy. For now, just embracing this momentous and beautiful time in our lives.

love and light

Speechless without words is how I find myself, struggling to describe this magnificent love. Every day I give thanks -- for genuine love, friendship, companionship and an ever true love. Sometimes I feel like it's way too good to be true.. I've never had someone so much like myself in ways, yet equally so completely different. It comes like two in the same, naturally without thought or added effort. There are times I miss certain things which I value and cherish .. could be circumstantial and perhaps things will come back into motion again. I often think back to early youth, adolescence, mindset and dreams.. It's an attempt at a self-prescribed reality check, just to make sure I'm on the right path... keeping my youthful ambitions and dreams within reach. Knowing all of that, mixed with the inspiration of someone who can respect and appreciate that in me, as well as himself, helps. I just need to relax my stressed mind and embrace all of the joy and beauty which fills my life. I cannot live for anyone but myself. In the same breath I cannot make everyone happy nor accept my life and my decisions. I need to come to terms with that, within myself and move on. I'm a happy, joyful, confident and independent woman and I need to remember that -- no one can take that away. I don't live in people's shadows, I create my own light, it just needs some brightening.

family, possibilities, immigration and public transportation

I missed my flight thanks to delays with my passport and immigration services in Kingston. So now it seems I'm here legally and indefinitely. Must find work because money is going rather fast. I want a family more and more every day that passes... I want a baby. I want to share that with my husband and let our love create something more amazing than ever imaginable. My mind still wonders through the stress which is ever lurking -- my family, work, future, life, wrongs/rights, acceptance, ... but without doubt I know that I'm where I need to be, here with my family. It's been very necessary and really great, filling that large void of missing them and sharing in all the moments. I'm trying to trust that in due time all will unfold to how it is supposed to. My heart is full and happy despite everything. I just wish I could talk with my family  without judgment or sarcasm -- freely, to express my genuine contentment. Sure I have my own personal demons: trust, accepting dependence, age, life and all uncertainty that comes along; but I'm trying desperately to stay level and balanced, knowing that it takes time and understanding and patience. When the time is right I suppose..

Thinking of getting back into my art/illustration series, 'Architects with Jet Packs,' and taking advantage of time here in this environment.. also revisiting my children's book idea of short stories/ Caribbean tales. Went back to Kingston yesterday.. yet again. Seems we go every week lately. Took the bus to and from to give my husband a reality check and proper tour of Jamaica. Downtown has turned in amongst itself, rubble and zinc destruction. People have made their own graves and yet they shout and complain against conditions. What to do? Coaster buses are now taken over by young 18+ somethings braced with short tempers, hot heads, rude behaviors and no consideration for others or rules. It's like little bus gangs.. the driver and his 7+ friends, posing as obnoxious conductors. So is this the new ghetto dream? Drive around all day, blasting music with friends and being slightly inconvenienced to hustle passengers? Nobody wants to put forth effort for anything. Things are expected to be so easy and if not, nobody has the time of day. Hustling will soon see its day and it will come down to starve or eat. People are so busy within their microcosms that they seem totally unfazed or affected.. it's culture.. it's life. oh well, it is how it is. Until the system is questioned and dissected, it won't have an opportunity for change. There are valuable lessons all around, even those applicable to every day dilemmas and life. We just need to be more receptive and aware to pick up on them; learning from them as we go along. It's a process and nobody has the answers, much less the 'right' ones.  We all just do the best we can with the cards in our hands, hoping for the best.

updates from the bushes of westmoreland

Jamaica --  I've been here since the 8 August 2012, an today is the 17 September 2012. I'm scheduled to leave on the 26 September 2012, merely 9 days away.. It's a bit hard to swallow having had the time to settle in with my husband and the kids.. gaining semi-normalcy as a family. Seems counteractive to leave, not having a job lined up, only to be alone. They have all made it very clear they prefer if I stay with them, at least till I find work and/or the immigration papers are finalized.

In other news, we thought maybe we had gotten pregnant and were riding the wave of time.. after having found a leftover pregnancy test, it seems a no-go. Either it's just not our time or we have some issues to sort out.. unfortunate for now.

here i am, letting go...

Had an exercise this morning:

be real with myself, let go of anxiety-which is trying to 'make' everything perfect.

I've got to let go.

By making everyone else happy I sacrifice my true desires.

What the hell do I really want?
Why is it so difficult to let myself realize these desires?
What is it I'm hiding from?
What is at the root of all of this?

I don't know if I really truly want school... A big portion doesn't, I just feel like its something I 'have' to accomplish, part of the checklist in life. Is that really enough? I haven't decided..

What I do know is I'm tired of putting these things to the side: saying soon come, when the time is right, eventually, once I do this then that, yada yada...

Why can't I level with myself freely?

I want to fulfill so much but I can only do one thing at a time, breathe and stay focused, on par.

I'm fighting the system too much, I need to relax and let go... Take it step by step.

I have nobody to please; it shouldn't be about pleasing anyone...

I've confused pleasing for desire and its caused a disconnect in my outlook and course of direction.

It IS about fulfilling MY dreams and goals.. Not for others but MYself.

Its my life, what do I truly want?

I need to seize it and if I stumble, well I stumble, I'm a tough cookie, bruises don't bother me, scars are reminders to me, and help give me perspective and guidance.

If I totally fall, well I can get back up and try again-- as long as I've got life I've got everything I need. Everything else is bonus or superficial, its being able to distinguish the difference that matters most.

I'm taking my time and I'm owning it and I'm no longer wasting it or giving it away to foolishness (ie: like those 4 years of architecture school where I literally conditioned myself to sacrificial/burn out mode). It was a total waste of energy and time, in part because I realized halfway I didn't want that, I didn't want to be that or do it, sure I stuck it out, but for what purpose.. Here I am.

I take is as par for the course, further enlightenment, seeing the world differently but that's about it. My dreams are bigger than designing stupid buildings... My heart wants more than that.

So I'm trying to let go in hopes of hearing god or krishna or allah or jah or the universe, whatever u want to call the higher ranking order in life.

I can't fight who I am, but I can only make myself better -- and so here I am.

i feel it

where do i begin... i feel god's blessings despite the situation not being to my liking. i have to realize there is a bigger picture and it's the small things that require attention and appreciation. i am grateful, i have a loving husband who does all he can and more for me..., we just celebrated a year of marriage..., it's been about 3 years and we still feel like no time has passed..., we still manage to revel in the joy versus the downfalls surrounding us... it was difficult to swallow being solo, completely -- i opted to occupy and distract myself by going to the beach... where i was surrounded by families left and right. not exactly the distraction i had hoped for.. tried to just let it be. i thought back to what had led me to that point. i focused n the memories of the moments and pretty soon i forgot all about the unfortunate circumstances and the love and joy comforted me. it was overall a rough day to be so far apart from him, but we survived, shared love and laughter and did our best naturally.

we are being tested in our faith, outlook and patience -- obviously it's a course we have to face through together for some reason. better to embrace it all then fight it. so.. me being here is an attempt to embrace it, doing something i choose to do with people i choose to be around. i am the author of my dreams -- i cannot be mad at anybody or blame anyone but myself. when i can swallow that i can move forward positively and without hesitation. i'm the only one standing in my way. it could be because i'm slightly scared underneath it all or that i need time to really get my ducks in line... a lot of that sounds about right and could fit the bill. i'm trying to be here, present now, paying attention to the signs along the way. my goal is to actively release the unnecessary stress, worry and anxiety. if i mess up, well i mess up, better i do it for the right and true reasons for it will make the comeback that much sweeter. this i pray.

happy anniversary to my bff

a year ago today we embarked on an early morning road trip to mandeville, got our papers in order, drove to may pen to register and headed to the pastor's house... you and smiley gathering my bouquet. the portia pin. the mini and xxl blazers. the singing. we loved him at first meeting, as he talked about the importance of marriage and god's blessings, you squeezed my hand, smiling every second. the tears streaming down your face as you tried to get through your vows. your hands trembling in mine. i tried so hard to keep my composure. everything around us was faded and you were sooo bright, this love, this life, this force within you that just takes over everything around you. we did it and the two of us were beaming and shining. the pastor loved us so much he climbed in his tree to gather us mangos and we all took part as one. the ital shop around the corner that we took over hosted our dinner. it was beautiful. that whole day, and all the hoops we had to jump, ... all of it. i laughed, i cried, i felt everything. for so long we had talked about it and then finally it had happened.

it was the best day of my life and i would do it again in a heartbeat. you are my joy and a magnification to my happiness. your love is mind-blowing and every day i feel ever blessed to have you in my life. i wish you the utmost happiness... it's been an amazing 3 years being with you, through all our ups and downs we've had to face, we faced them boldly together and came out ever stronger. but it has been a more amazing year having you as my husband. i'm truly blessed to have you as my best friends and my partner in life. you bring such joy, sweetness and completeness to my life. i love you so very much, more than words can actually begin to describe. you make me so very happy my darling! you truly are my favorite combo package :)

i look forward to more years and moments of joy and celebration with you. i'll never forget when i first laid eyes on you all the way to when we became husband and wife. today my soul is beaming sweetheart! whether you know it or not, you have helped me learn and overcome a lot... opened my eyes to the things i maybe didn't think about, especially family and i am ever thankful!

your smile was captivating, your personality ever charming and endearing, your laughter perfectly genuine, but it was your heart and soul that won me over... your beautiful spirit. i cannot explain the love for you, in my heart, being and soul... god only knows the full spectrum. i just hope our children will have your beautiful spirit  outside and in. you make me feel they would be so precious and sweet just be your actions. that's why i have to love you so very much.

so even though we are miles apart on our big day, i hope you can take comfort in my feelings and the truth in my heart. one day this big challenge we have had to face will be behind us and we can laugh as we look back fondly on how close we remained despite the distance. i love you forever and always from the bottom of my heart. have a beautiful day and stay ever blessed.

blessings and wealth

checklist:
- life
- no disabilities
- education
- loving husband
- loving parents
- loving brother
- loving step-kids
- perspective
- opportunities, even if small
- ability to travel
- patience
- understanding
- love
- concern
- confidence
- ability
- genuine joy
- ...

i have god/jah/krishna/allah/universe on my side to help me face the stresses of life... whatever my hold ups are i need to find a way to release them and move forward.

furthering education, lack of money, uncertainty, distance from family, ...

i need to let go... things will work out if they are to manifest... i don't know why i need to remind myself, because they always do, even when the way seems impossible or unclear.

i hear it repeatedly, subconsciously -- 'everything will work out,' and deep within i know it will (to an extent), but a part of me fears it will not and i try to control the situation and that fear turns deeper and deeper, until i convince myself otherwise.

so i need to acknowledge this current downfall of mine, letting stress turn to doubt and fear and find another way to face the situation -- headstrong.

i need to realize stress leads to a demise of happiness.. usually wreaks havoc on all good if given enough strength and power. its seeing and learning from this early that i can hopefully avoid these pitfalls.

if school is to happen financially it will.. i cannot kill myself to save money while i become miserable and alone, painstakingly saving every cent so i won't go into debt.

if a baby is to come the time will show itself.. i cannot rush kids but also i cannot disregard it either. the time will present itself somehow and i pray money and security will come with that sign.

i hope one day the family issue will resolve... and with it a sense of peace can take over the silence, pain and disgust. one day, in time i realize...

other uncertainty -- housing, money, family, location, financing, all of it, i'm trying to let it go, realizing it's all bigger than myself... that 'i' alone cannot face it, change it, or make it.

**reminder: tomorrow is a new day, different than yesterday or today or the next day. i can do and/or be anything with some persistence and faith.

food for thought

a very dear friend of mine gave me some food for thought today --

"you've been through a lot this year, and I think it is time you sit down and acknowledge it... you need time to look not just forward, but inside - hug yourself, and welcome yourself in the present time. there's a lot already happening, and you can rest a bit... inside."

packing my bags... yet again.

like the course of action throughout my life, i am yet again moving --

i am blessed and thankful new york was made accessible when i needed it most... everything fell into place without much hitch, which is ironic considering it was never my ambition to live in new york; but so the world turns. i had come up for a 10-day visit for an interview or two with my last few hundred dollars to my name. i managed to land the job and was able to save up a little. with this came the window for reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances, meeting new people, experiencing new things, ... la la la.

i survived the frigid cold and nonsense, holding out for news regarding grad school -- and as it turned out scholarships in new york are a joke, so i decided i would be a fool to pay 80k+ when i could pay a fraction of that back in miami. education really shouldn't be such a unattainable investment, but that's for another day -- anyway, i'm moving... back to st. thomas after all these years. makes total sense i guess. and i'm ecstatic to move forward and not look back.

so here i am trying to pack up all my things and get my stuff in order for next tuesday. i feel good about this. i think it's been long overdue and i'm optimistic about this opportunity and time. we'll see. now to find a way to jamaica come may -- let's see how that will pan out. fingers crossed.

let's rethink these 'trying economic times'

in these trying economic times it's difficult to achieve all of our dreams and ambitions as we had once envisioned it in times past...

life has gotten more expensive,

bills and taxes have increased,

even dollar store bargains have gone up.

i guess in the long run, whatever gets you there is a means to an end?

we should refuse to lose sight of our goals because of a crunch and a less than stimulated job market.

why should we limit ourselves to engineering jobs just because its what's paying the bills these days?

don't they say it takes a village??

well, if that's the case we need all kinds of people;

granted maybe not soo many djs and engineers,

but every one has a place and purpose... and really,

at the end of the day life is about the experience;

so why limit ourselves and our abilities??

live a little.

so maybe it's not so lucrative, but on the other hand, maybe we need to rethink how we live and prioritize what's most important to each and every one of us.

remember --

anything is a possibility these days.

happy earthstrong mr. marley

in remembrance of a remarkable individual who continues to inspire the world... happy earthstrong to your spirit which thrives and brings joy and comfort to all.

"the greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively."

- robert nesta marley

three in greek

sleep patterns or that which the dawn brings about...

4:00am

what is it that stirs me from my sleep at such a time?

lately the action follows through like clockwork....

no matter the deepest of sleep where i may be found,

something triggers my internal alarm and i am nudged rudely awake;

left only to try and find my way back to that well-hidden, calming rest.

my mind afloat,

running through thoughts of the day,

listening to the city buzzing about outside,

i see the spaces of the sidewalks and the streets in my visions,

my eyes grow heavier and heavier,

again i am lulled back to the land of sheep.

7:00am

the sun peers in through the pane,

almost grabbing at my eyelashes playfully

and i fight to run the sleep from my lazy eyes...

the cold air leaking in from the window above my head,

tempts me to further burrow and hide deeper under the covers,

seeking refuge and warmth from the elements which await my presence.

7:30am

time is running along without me,

irked by this, i crawl out from the enveloping warmth and comfort...

i find my way to the startling reality of a cold shower,

i'm reminded a new day awaits,

one in which new possibilities are lurking about,

waiting to be discovered and seized...

like clockwork the phone rings,

i am met with a familiar voice,

(one which usually wakes me if i am so fortunate).

beauty takes me in an embrace met with laughter

and the world,

despite the looming uncertainties,

seems so hopeful and joyful.

this is what it's about...

those moments.

through that i am armed to face whatever may be laid out before me,

confidently,

humorously,

and delightfully...

making the most of any and every situation;

for i chose to see beauty in all,

i don't have time for the negative drawbacks.

and the day carries on....

some may be more trying than others,

but i know there is greatness within,

and i owe it to myself to seize it;

to manifest it;

to live the life i dream.

perspective

it's a grand thing, perspective.

it reminds you a bit frankly to be grateful,

to be humble,

to live most lovingly and honestly.

it has been an ever-important guide for me,

getting me through adolescence,

uncertainties,

and in general it's been just a good companion in life.

it's given me wisdom when i've sought it,

peace of mind when i'm stressed,

and clarity when i loose my way.

it's played a major role in my unveiling--

i know my time will soon come,

but i detest thinking about it,

for i love the joys and beauty which only life can bring about..

a flower blooming,

a baby's laughter,

a rain shower,

washing away the what was and leaving something new...

leaves changing,

yes, ok, these cycles are all around,

constant reminders of the natural process,

yet simultaneously, they add bits of light here and there;

perspective shining ever bright,

a reminder that impermanence abounds.

so we must take it for what it is,

these cues...

and try to apply it in our lives,

our thinking...

try it as an exercise and see what it's all about.

who knows how it may affect you?

in those moments of grief, remember

you are beautiful, strong, and inspiring.

you are my dream and my reality.

how did it come to be so?

for this love i have discovered is most breathtaking and amazing.

i know i can't be there and i'm sorry for that,

but i'm here and trust me anything in my power i could do, i would.

i don't have the words..

it's still something i'm trying to get my head around,

all i can say is take refuge in that which is larger than us.

we'll get through it all, for this too shall pass.

keep shining most bright.