Sunday 17 July 2011
retail, day one
well, not so bad, everyone complimented me on my smile and laughter. that made me smile and laugh even harder. so all in all a very busy day, but it was filled with most positive vibes, which i needed. so i think it might just end up being a bit therapeutic.. or so i'm hoping. day two tomorrow.
Friday 15 July 2011
the walls are caving in...
my patience has worn thinner through throughout the years, only distance remedies the situation, but unfortunately it isn't a permanent cure. she throws things in my face and holds it all against me. she doesn't see it, but she does treat me differently from my brother, always has. i've gone to great lengths to gain my independence from her -- that space took a lot of distancing myself from her, but it only makes for awkward and painful reunions... she ends up pushing and trying to overcompensate for lost time and it just pushes me farther away, i've gotten accustomed to being alone, away from them and surviving just fine. i love them, i appreciate all they have done for me, and despite the madness i love her with all of my heart, i just can't deal with her ways and actions. she has also become more ridiculous through the years, more overbearing, controlling, sensitive and doing just about anything for attention.
i've played a parental role for so long that i don't know know any other motion than detached, it's all i can do to survive with her. i try for a second to be myself and she says i've changed; i'm 'different than that sweet, little girl.' i've been someone else my entire life to them. i hid who i was to please and be acceptable. i keep my mouth shut for the most part, smile and go along with it all. but its equally tiring pretending to be someone you aren't. i don't like coming home so much because i have to pretend and if for one second i put my guard down i've 'changed into someone so different,' they 'don't know me,' and my favorite one, 'the world changed me into someone so far removed than who they raised.' now i'm 'malicious' for running off and getting married. i appreciate their concern and love, but they have just blown all of this out of proportion... i understand giving them space for a mourning period, but this is turning into a serious issue. i can't breathe and her actions are just making me want to run further away for longer periods of time.
she goes out of her way to push everything in my face - the sacrifices, the undying love, the sicknesses, the drama... it's all my fault and i'm most ungrateful. in her eyes and mindset the only reason i got married was to kill her... nothing to do with soulmates or love or anything normal like that, she doesn't want to hear about that, it was spite and malice. she refuses to listen, saying she lost her trust in me... um?? if she recalls clearly i never, ever came to her to speak about certain things because since i was a child i had zero trust in her. ironic. she is an emotional wreck with a very closed, critical mindset... it's nearly impossible dealing with her; and i think i actually just gave up hope a long time ago. i do what i need to and move on with my life. i don't want to get old and bitter. i mean as it stands we have had a most superficial relationship for a decade or more... not that i am not to blame either, i know i probably have a lot to do with it as well, but i know for a fact this all started when i was quite young, i held much resentment against her from the time i was little. she is always the victim, she is always dying from something and always drama-ridden.
i chose to live differently quite early on. i chose to experience all life had to offer, not taking what others had to say at face value. we butted heads early on because of this and because she was most over-protective, trying to shelter me from the world, so i went against it to get from under her and catch some fresh air. yet despite all that i'm crazy and disrespectful... i've 'forsaken my parents and gone against god's words.' letting their parents dictate their lives is both of my parents biggest regrets to this day. i refused to be like that. why can't they accept that and move on?
since i got back to the states and all the news leaked out, it's been as if i've died. i'm very much alive and much living life, but since it goes against all they know i am dead to them. why can't we move on -- life is much too short to carry on with all of this nonsense. the only reason i am here, dealing with the madness is because i love her and i want to give this a chance before i leave. if i was sane i wouldn't have come home at all. i find myself walking on her eggshells and having to apologize at every turn, yet she is relentless. i'm growing more tired and exhausted. if she wants a relationship with me then she needs to snap out of it, otherwise i think this is only going to further burn our already frazzled bridge.
i've played a parental role for so long that i don't know know any other motion than detached, it's all i can do to survive with her. i try for a second to be myself and she says i've changed; i'm 'different than that sweet, little girl.' i've been someone else my entire life to them. i hid who i was to please and be acceptable. i keep my mouth shut for the most part, smile and go along with it all. but its equally tiring pretending to be someone you aren't. i don't like coming home so much because i have to pretend and if for one second i put my guard down i've 'changed into someone so different,' they 'don't know me,' and my favorite one, 'the world changed me into someone so far removed than who they raised.' now i'm 'malicious' for running off and getting married. i appreciate their concern and love, but they have just blown all of this out of proportion... i understand giving them space for a mourning period, but this is turning into a serious issue. i can't breathe and her actions are just making me want to run further away for longer periods of time.
she goes out of her way to push everything in my face - the sacrifices, the undying love, the sicknesses, the drama... it's all my fault and i'm most ungrateful. in her eyes and mindset the only reason i got married was to kill her... nothing to do with soulmates or love or anything normal like that, she doesn't want to hear about that, it was spite and malice. she refuses to listen, saying she lost her trust in me... um?? if she recalls clearly i never, ever came to her to speak about certain things because since i was a child i had zero trust in her. ironic. she is an emotional wreck with a very closed, critical mindset... it's nearly impossible dealing with her; and i think i actually just gave up hope a long time ago. i do what i need to and move on with my life. i don't want to get old and bitter. i mean as it stands we have had a most superficial relationship for a decade or more... not that i am not to blame either, i know i probably have a lot to do with it as well, but i know for a fact this all started when i was quite young, i held much resentment against her from the time i was little. she is always the victim, she is always dying from something and always drama-ridden.
i chose to live differently quite early on. i chose to experience all life had to offer, not taking what others had to say at face value. we butted heads early on because of this and because she was most over-protective, trying to shelter me from the world, so i went against it to get from under her and catch some fresh air. yet despite all that i'm crazy and disrespectful... i've 'forsaken my parents and gone against god's words.' letting their parents dictate their lives is both of my parents biggest regrets to this day. i refused to be like that. why can't they accept that and move on?
since i got back to the states and all the news leaked out, it's been as if i've died. i'm very much alive and much living life, but since it goes against all they know i am dead to them. why can't we move on -- life is much too short to carry on with all of this nonsense. the only reason i am here, dealing with the madness is because i love her and i want to give this a chance before i leave. if i was sane i wouldn't have come home at all. i find myself walking on her eggshells and having to apologize at every turn, yet she is relentless. i'm growing more tired and exhausted. if she wants a relationship with me then she needs to snap out of it, otherwise i think this is only going to further burn our already frazzled bridge.
Thursday 14 July 2011
Saturday 2 July 2011
some doors close, so that others can open
so, things happen for a reason, I'll be the first to attest to that... after 2 weeks of going insane, trying to find funding for germany, nothing came though... nobody would give me the money and there were no other alternatives. i searched high and low, relentlessly, and then i realized there has to be a reason why this isn't working out. After much thought and meditation I have moved on... I had left london open, so as it is, even though ridiculously expensive, it seems that it is what is to be. maybe there is a reason for me to go there... it is only 1 year, it's just as good of a program, if not better than germany and being in london could leave me with a stellar job, considering all the top urban development ngos are founded there. i just finished the loan applications and i feel at peace about it. i mean it will all work out how it is supposed to and i have to let that go and let it be.
my family is still a mess, but i know it will work out one day. i can only be me and i can only be the best i can be, right? so, i am doing it. i am being me. living my life positively and seeking out my goals, dreams and ambitions. i have the love and support of an amazing man, children, family and not to mention my most amazing and supportive friends. so, even a bump in the road like this is unfortunate, but i know in time wounds will mend and we'll be able to hopefully move on. i cannot dwell on that which i cannot control.
my family is still a mess, but i know it will work out one day. i can only be me and i can only be the best i can be, right? so, i am doing it. i am being me. living my life positively and seeking out my goals, dreams and ambitions. i have the love and support of an amazing man, children, family and not to mention my most amazing and supportive friends. so, even a bump in the road like this is unfortunate, but i know in time wounds will mend and we'll be able to hopefully move on. i cannot dwell on that which i cannot control.
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