being unemployed has opened my eyes to the many injustices and negative generalizations that are inflicted upon those who do not have a "job." i have had to deal with medical issues, not having insurance or coverage of any kind. i have been laughed out of doctor's offices at the slightest concern about prices and rates for non-insured patients and i have been charged hefty amounts without even a twinge in their eye. as well, with the economy in the midst of puberty, not having a job is tough work just to stay alive. luckily i have my parents support, but even still, i am without the means to accomplish anything outside myself.
i found myself this morning, among the entire community, inside the factory that is the king of big boxes, which we shall call the big w. i am about to expose myself as a hypocrite, so pay close attention, i hope it will be the last. yes, i was at the big w. i'm broke. i have to eat. big w had the things i needed for a very reasonable price, much unlike floridians' favorite, which we shall call the grand p. now i have to admit i have been seen at this big w often since i have been home. in a small town where there is not much choice within a certain circumferance you learn to make compromises. and, well, i made compromises.
other times that i had frequented this big w it was like any other of its kind, full of lost faces roaming the aisles, a minute few buying things no one will ever need, and the rest just trying to make it through the week. but today was surreal. this morning's visit left me stuped. i was standing in line with my bag of apples and chicken looking around a bit, as most people do to pass the time while stuck in unimaginablly long lines. all of a sudden i was overcome. every single lane was open, including all of the mini lanes (for 20 items and under). as well, every lane was completely filled to the brim with lines just as long as mine, some a bit longer. now, i have never seen a sight such as this... long lines yes, of course, but every lane open and completely full, no. what gives, it's a weekday at 10 am? everybody was out and about, from 1 to 99. all the geriatrics were there with their walkers and wheelers. middle agers with hair dye and bananas. young stay at home moms with small tikes, baskets brimming with generic jiffy, generic wonder bread, ... you get the point. teenagers skipping class. majority unemployed, just like me. everyone is seeking bargains, and who can blame them. unfortunately health has had to take a backseat to the fight of economy vs. survival. and well, with many people unemployed, medical care is becoming less attainable. it's too early to say if this will be one of those "it will make you stronger" events or "survival of the 'fittest'" events. i guess time will tell. maybe i'm just not that with it and this is a normal occurence where we all take it for granted and move on with our lives. and perhaps we should... but it's still a bit unsettling to see such a dizzying stir in one uneventful, weekday morning in small town, usa.
Friday 20 February 2009
Thursday 19 February 2009
Wednesday 18 February 2009
Monday 16 February 2009
miami recap
i need to get my negatives developed soon. i'm missing out on my photos. i took a few at the pinecrest gardener's market this past sunday. i ended up staying in miami for the weekend. i drove to drop the doctor off. i hate goodbyes. i am too emotional so i like to just avoid them and stay as unattached as i can... i have tried this for a long time, but so far all attempts have failed me. luckily i had some friends around to get my mind off of farewells, so i headed to the old alma mater (hah i can say that now and i realize how cheesy it truly sounds).
everything has changed... i haven't been around for a long time, but still, when did 826 and 836 become unneccesary toll roads??? contruction is still booming, or has come to a sever halt, however there are new shadows being cast on the city. even the airport is in transition. jesus. school was no different. come to find they have revamped the system, locking students into a complete study program -- undergrad + grad. damn, high expectations they have and distorted views about their education system to think people would want to stay with the same perspective. caught up with some friends who are now in grad school and explored the place a bit. so many memories. cutting many fingers in the middle of the night, running to the health center for stitches, falling alseep by the vending machines, computer lab, pinups, ... ahh good days. now its filled with kids who seem so young and impressionable, .. (were we like this?) and complete strangers. it's strange and i feel old. the bustelo stand seems to be surviving the dark, overbearing presence of starbucks. the casis meeting ended up being david and 3 other kids. why don't these kids care about their environment, community, social issues? i hope it will gain more attention and attendees. the dark demon is no longer advising. she has been replaced by a younger, inexperienced fill in. i don't know what's worse, but at least if she is approachable it's a significant improvement.
i made it for petersen's birthday as well as an eventful homecoming the following night. i guess nobody knew i was going to be in town for the joyous event, granted as i haven't been to miami in over a year, who would think i would be there. regardless, everyone's reactions were priceless and made me feel extra special to know that i had been missed so deeply. it was overwhelming to have one night to catch up with everybody but it was lovely. from edna's cake to the cheese balls and empanadas, it was a hit.
i lost my wii powers, i guess only playing those few times in prague and competing against people who play all the time isn't really fair though. i thought i was working wonders with my golf swing only to learn i was performing horribly... double bogey is in fact worse than bogey. so it goes. i have missed my friends, and i have probably missed out on a lot. maybe some of them i have drifted from, but i try to hold on to what remains for most and try to keep going. i learned early about the complexities of life and the things which are fair, unavoidable, and inevitable. i may not know the final outcomes of most of my decisions yet, but i do know i had to sacrifice certain things to go where i wanted or do what i wanted. and knowing that i have no rocks unturned leaves me living a life without regret, and for that i am able to sleep at night, some nights. it's difficult to keep your head level when everything in life is constantly sidewinding us. i don't know. regardless, it was a good trip. short, but good to see everybody and catch up. damn good apricot pockets jules!
valentines was jules, erika, and myself at taco rico. group nap. this amazingly, cheesy show called cheaters was having a marathon (catches people in the act of cheating -- supposedly the host has been hospitalized for intensive run-ins with the cheaters). ended the night with the eagle vs the shark, a lovely new zealand gem of a movie. all in all the weekend was well enjoyed.
everything has changed... i haven't been around for a long time, but still, when did 826 and 836 become unneccesary toll roads??? contruction is still booming, or has come to a sever halt, however there are new shadows being cast on the city. even the airport is in transition. jesus. school was no different. come to find they have revamped the system, locking students into a complete study program -- undergrad + grad. damn, high expectations they have and distorted views about their education system to think people would want to stay with the same perspective. caught up with some friends who are now in grad school and explored the place a bit. so many memories. cutting many fingers in the middle of the night, running to the health center for stitches, falling alseep by the vending machines, computer lab, pinups, ... ahh good days. now its filled with kids who seem so young and impressionable, .. (were we like this?) and complete strangers. it's strange and i feel old. the bustelo stand seems to be surviving the dark, overbearing presence of starbucks. the casis meeting ended up being david and 3 other kids. why don't these kids care about their environment, community, social issues? i hope it will gain more attention and attendees. the dark demon is no longer advising. she has been replaced by a younger, inexperienced fill in. i don't know what's worse, but at least if she is approachable it's a significant improvement.
i made it for petersen's birthday as well as an eventful homecoming the following night. i guess nobody knew i was going to be in town for the joyous event, granted as i haven't been to miami in over a year, who would think i would be there. regardless, everyone's reactions were priceless and made me feel extra special to know that i had been missed so deeply. it was overwhelming to have one night to catch up with everybody but it was lovely. from edna's cake to the cheese balls and empanadas, it was a hit.
i lost my wii powers, i guess only playing those few times in prague and competing against people who play all the time isn't really fair though. i thought i was working wonders with my golf swing only to learn i was performing horribly... double bogey is in fact worse than bogey. so it goes. i have missed my friends, and i have probably missed out on a lot. maybe some of them i have drifted from, but i try to hold on to what remains for most and try to keep going. i learned early about the complexities of life and the things which are fair, unavoidable, and inevitable. i may not know the final outcomes of most of my decisions yet, but i do know i had to sacrifice certain things to go where i wanted or do what i wanted. and knowing that i have no rocks unturned leaves me living a life without regret, and for that i am able to sleep at night, some nights. it's difficult to keep your head level when everything in life is constantly sidewinding us. i don't know. regardless, it was a good trip. short, but good to see everybody and catch up. damn good apricot pockets jules!
valentines was jules, erika, and myself at taco rico. group nap. this amazingly, cheesy show called cheaters was having a marathon (catches people in the act of cheating -- supposedly the host has been hospitalized for intensive run-ins with the cheaters). ended the night with the eagle vs the shark, a lovely new zealand gem of a movie. all in all the weekend was well enjoyed.
Monday 2 February 2009
a much needed house call
yes, the doctor is in town.
though shortlived, it is providing that necessary older sibling reassurance i have been craving since i stepped back on national soil. the whole family thing never really worked for me... and the only thing to get me through those rough times was my brother. so at this time (with this latest bout of the blues i've been trying to rid myself, while trying to be everyone for my parents: an architect, daughter, mother, sibling, therapist, miracle worker, cordial, ...) it comes as a very welcome visit. plus, since neither of us are usually home at the same time, it will be great to have some real "family" time before i leave. i do miss the kid and i wish i could take him to jamaica with me. though i cannot complain, i was lucky enough to be with him for the past 6 months.
i tend to distance myself with people once i know i'm leaving, it makes leaving bearable and then i don't have to go through the emotions of goodbye. unfortunately, i have no 'real' control over this and it's usually those closest to me, friends and family, that i back away from. who is to say this is problematic, we all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies, and who is to judge... it's a coping mechanism i learned early on and, well, it stuck.
regardless, i'm grateful for these next couple of weeks. hopefully, i can make more of an effort to be more involved.
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