love and light

Speechless without words is how I find myself, struggling to describe this magnificent love. Every day I give thanks -- for genuine love, friendship, companionship and an ever true love. Sometimes I feel like it's way too good to be true.. I've never had someone so much like myself in ways, yet equally so completely different. It comes like two in the same, naturally without thought or added effort. There are times I miss certain things which I value and cherish .. could be circumstantial and perhaps things will come back into motion again. I often think back to early youth, adolescence, mindset and dreams.. It's an attempt at a self-prescribed reality check, just to make sure I'm on the right path... keeping my youthful ambitions and dreams within reach. Knowing all of that, mixed with the inspiration of someone who can respect and appreciate that in me, as well as himself, helps. I just need to relax my stressed mind and embrace all of the joy and beauty which fills my life. I cannot live for anyone but myself. In the same breath I cannot make everyone happy nor accept my life and my decisions. I need to come to terms with that, within myself and move on. I'm a happy, joyful, confident and independent woman and I need to remember that -- no one can take that away. I don't live in people's shadows, I create my own light, it just needs some brightening.

family, possibilities, immigration and public transportation

I missed my flight thanks to delays with my passport and immigration services in Kingston. So now it seems I'm here legally and indefinitely. Must find work because money is going rather fast. I want a family more and more every day that passes... I want a baby. I want to share that with my husband and let our love create something more amazing than ever imaginable. My mind still wonders through the stress which is ever lurking -- my family, work, future, life, wrongs/rights, acceptance, ... but without doubt I know that I'm where I need to be, here with my family. It's been very necessary and really great, filling that large void of missing them and sharing in all the moments. I'm trying to trust that in due time all will unfold to how it is supposed to. My heart is full and happy despite everything. I just wish I could talk with my family  without judgment or sarcasm -- freely, to express my genuine contentment. Sure I have my own personal demons: trust, accepting dependence, age, life and all uncertainty that comes along; but I'm trying desperately to stay level and balanced, knowing that it takes time and understanding and patience. When the time is right I suppose..

Thinking of getting back into my art/illustration series, 'Architects with Jet Packs,' and taking advantage of time here in this environment.. also revisiting my children's book idea of short stories/ Caribbean tales. Went back to Kingston yesterday.. yet again. Seems we go every week lately. Took the bus to and from to give my husband a reality check and proper tour of Jamaica. Downtown has turned in amongst itself, rubble and zinc destruction. People have made their own graves and yet they shout and complain against conditions. What to do? Coaster buses are now taken over by young 18+ somethings braced with short tempers, hot heads, rude behaviors and no consideration for others or rules. It's like little bus gangs.. the driver and his 7+ friends, posing as obnoxious conductors. So is this the new ghetto dream? Drive around all day, blasting music with friends and being slightly inconvenienced to hustle passengers? Nobody wants to put forth effort for anything. Things are expected to be so easy and if not, nobody has the time of day. Hustling will soon see its day and it will come down to starve or eat. People are so busy within their microcosms that they seem totally unfazed or affected.. it's culture.. it's life. oh well, it is how it is. Until the system is questioned and dissected, it won't have an opportunity for change. There are valuable lessons all around, even those applicable to every day dilemmas and life. We just need to be more receptive and aware to pick up on them; learning from them as we go along. It's a process and nobody has the answers, much less the 'right' ones.  We all just do the best we can with the cards in our hands, hoping for the best.

updates from the bushes of westmoreland

Jamaica --  I've been here since the 8 August 2012, an today is the 17 September 2012. I'm scheduled to leave on the 26 September 2012, merely 9 days away.. It's a bit hard to swallow having had the time to settle in with my husband and the kids.. gaining semi-normalcy as a family. Seems counteractive to leave, not having a job lined up, only to be alone. They have all made it very clear they prefer if I stay with them, at least till I find work and/or the immigration papers are finalized.

In other news, we thought maybe we had gotten pregnant and were riding the wave of time.. after having found a leftover pregnancy test, it seems a no-go. Either it's just not our time or we have some issues to sort out.. unfortunate for now.