wonders of love

your love is my strength.
i am renewed when i look into your eyes.
i feel empowered,
loved,
and everything seems possible and attainable.

life is beautiful and magical;
full of wonder.

i dream about what the future holds for us.
i wonder if we'll get old together.
will you still look at me the same way --
as if no one else exists,
and the world has evaporated;
just the two of us remain.

i love you for so many reasons,
and the majority of them are intangible...
they are the things which make you, well you.

dreams, meet reality

i always dreamed of this perfect and pure love which would come into my life at some point...
predestined in a sense i suppose.
i never felt the need to go searching for something i had never felt or experienced,
or worse,
settle for something less than the butterflies and fireworks.
sure i had flings,
but never had i found the real thing to truly pursue.

in retrospect i can't say if it was the right thing or the wrong thing;
all i know is that it was my conviction,
and i believed it to my very core.

i had never met anyone worthy of letting down my shroud of vulnerability.
i guess there is some truth to when they say love comes when you least expect.

here i find myself,
blindsided and tortured by love.
for the first time i feel the magic,
the tingling,
the butterflies,
the fireworks,
the highs,
the lows,
...
it's all a sensory overload.

at the same time i find myself asking,
how many times am i going to find this in my life?
will it be comparable?
should i really put that much emphasis on what others say or think?
at what cost should happiness be attained?
am i ready for this?
will i get sidetracked?
...
my head has been spinning.

i have met someone with whom i connect so deeply.
it may not be what i had envisioned,
but it is that much and more.
he stands for everything i believe in and care about.
he reminds me of my father in oh so many ways.

i can daydream about this so-called perfect life,
but is it ever attainable,
for nothing is truly perfect.
i'm afraid i won't find a truer love...

i'll probably fall in love again,
no doubt,
but one in which both parties involved are so completely enamored with one another,
life,
love,
and the fleeting moments.
who can say?

i want a family.
i want children.
i want someone to love me for me.
i don't want to be blinded by the false and empty shallowness of life.
i want someone to spend the rest of my life with,
laughing,
crying;
someone there with me to experience every moment together.

so when does love triumph all else?
and at what cost?

morning rituals

i awake in the morning to the sound of goats outside my window.
i stumble out of bed and make my way to open the front door and the morning floods into my living room.
i step onto the veranda and i am greeted not just by the morning sun,
but also the sound of children preparing for school
and that of families who have been awake and buzzing for hours.

the goats have now migrated to the front yard.
i turn the radio on and the rhythms of jamaica encourage me to open my eyes.
i go to put on my morning coffee,
open the windows,
and before i know it the strong aroma has filled my house and leaked out into the yard.
as i exit, i come face-to-face with asha hanging in my kitchen window.

every morning it's the same...
she meets me at my kitchen window as she stands on the overhang.
she claims the smell of my coffee beckons her to come check me.
we chat about the morning,
the upcoming events of the day,
the night before,
sometimes about nothing important at all.

she attempts to cajole me into heading to school with her.
she always offers to stay behind and wait for me,
but generally she will say,
'later,'
head to school and expect me when i come.
these morning rituals have become a favorite moment of the day.

if i leave early enough,
i catch all the late stragglers heading to school late to avoid devotion.
if i leave late,
it's just the passing of neighbors and goats,
who are no longer phased as i jump over their tied ropes.
i stop to chat with a few of them and most of the time i lose track of the minutes...
'likkle more' i say and with that,
i'm back on my way;
down the mountain and off to school.

as soon as i reach the school yard,
i'm bombarded with 'maanin' teach, wagwaan miss kouns, arait mi boss, ...'
the infant students run to attack me and climb me like a jungle gym,
as i try to make my way to my grade six class,
and so the day begins and a new lesson unfolds itself...

the complete idiots guide to communicating with spirits, rita berkowitz

exchange is a process of giving and receiving.
just as you give your energy to others, you receive energy from others.
the strongest, most positive, most supportive energy is love.
when love thrives in any of it's multiple dimensions, energy blossoms.
love is the foundation of the universe's energy, and it's power is very real.
when you feel happy and good in the presence of someone else, you're drawing from an energy based in love.
it is this energy base, the energy of love, that heals.
when you feel it, you know it.
it recharges and replenishes you.
it restores your sense of well-being and happiness.
it makes you whole and unites all parts of your being.

'the complete idiots guide to communicating with spirits', rita berkowitz.

moving words from a friend

"i am not sure i ever told you that that afternoon i spoke with you was the first time i communicated so clearly with somebody's spirit and experience. it was something of inexplicable beauty and power for me, and something i wasn't quite sure , until then, was inside me..."

energy

life is a flowing energy.

we can have a great affect on people, life, the world and the universe with the type of energy we transmit.

in all things, be positive and uplifting...

you never know how it could affect you or others around you.

take risks. be bold. be happy.

is it really rewarding to live so safely?? be willing to take risks; for you could be missing out on life. break out of your comfort zones and the assured knowns. lose yourself in the unknown and the less traveled paths. make your own history and break the monotony. live every second as if it is your last. explore every square inch possible. ask every question you have. see all that life has to offer and try to live it, all; every, single moment. don't let others hold you back; instead, encourage them to do the same. it's the simple things in life and in the world we must seize and run with. don't get clouded by people or things around you. see the BIG picture.

skeptical in a free-loving world

i think being in jamaica has made even me more skeptical of relationships and commitment then i was previously. it's not so fair to say jamaica alone has altered my views, as it's a global issue and goes on every day in every town and city around the world, but since i have been living here for over a year i feel it's my only recent point of reference.

it's become a pretty popular and accepted cultural notion that people can have several partners, several baby mothers/fathers, and do this behind or, for those bold individuals, in front of their significant other. for the most part it bothers a lot of jamaicans, but it still happens. witnessing this and seeing it played out in front of me, whether through the eyes of my students or friends, has made me hesitant to think about love, commitment, much less a relationship.

i feel there's no point unless you just kill all your notions of love and become slightly desensitized. how does trust fall into place? ethics and morals flew out the window a long time, all around the globe. no one is phased by anything anymore. i'm all about freedom to live and love, but to the extent it doesn't start hurting other people, myself included.

the rise of love is beautiful and euphoric, but the fall is bone crushing and scarring. i guess it comes down to a game of chance and risk. many play the game well, despite their outcomes, i just don't see myself having too much success with the strategy.

so what does that mean for the future of relationships, love, commitment, families? are families just going to become a mix-up of several groups linked together through shared children? are relationships just going to become open-free, nonbonding, non-committed, passing flings? will love just disappear? or will it just be designated for your bloodline? it's happening, so you might as well start thinking about it and what this means for the future.

oh yes, happy birthday to me.. can't we pretend i'm still 21?

i am now a quarter of a century old.
damn.
life has flown past me as i've gotten up in age.
seems like when i passed from high-school everything accelerated.
i don't quite understand what happened through that transition?

i look back to when i graduated university.
it feels like a year ago, if that.
but in reality it's been 3 years.
3 years?!@ what?

sure i've done a lot in that short time,
but i don't see 3 years going by as if i merely blinked.
and now here, in jamaica, a year has passed like nothing.
only one year remains and that freaks me out.

i feel i have only just settled in.
i'm not ready to leave yet.
i have a life here.
i have people i care about
and people that care about me.

time is ridiculous.
this year i want a time machine for my birthday.
let me know if you can work something out.
thanks.

a jamaican wedding

i took part in my first jamaican wedding this weekend. my friend stephanie was the bride. we hosted her bridal shower the night before… little sleep was actually obtained. at some point there was christmas music blasting through the speakers… but nobody could manage to turn it off. morning came too soon. and so began the process of getting ready and enjoying the last moments of her singleness. we piled into the car, all squeezed in. reminiscing of the night before and of their past times. radio blaring 50s ska and oldies. it set us off into a ridiculous fit of laughter. it was quite a site to witness: a rainbow of colors squished together, the bride in the the passenger seat, white fabric overflowing in every direction. we arrived at the church. we dislodged ourselves and made our exit, leaving the bride and maid of honor to reminisce and share their last moments.

the wedding was small and sweet. the couple appeared happy and blissful. and so the ceremony carried on and followed to the reception, which was rained out for about 45 minutes… simultaneously during the drone of the rain, phones buzzed sending messages about a possible war breaking out in kingston. after the madness of the news, the rain halted and so the reception recommenced. dinner. toasts. our musical tribute. yes, i sang with my friends. our dedication to the bride. it was a stellar moment, although the song got mixed up, after a month of dedicated rehearsals. luckily no one noticed, and so we were praised and applauded. the evening soon came to a close. my head spinning from the lack of sleep and all the past days' events.

seize bp

Possibly the greatest environmental disaster in U.S. history ...
Who will pay the price?

The government of the United States must seize BP and freeze its assets, and place those funds in trust to begin providing immediate relief to the working people throughout the Gulf states whose jobs, communities, homes and businesses are being harmed or destroyed by the criminally negligent actions of the CEO, Board of Directors and senior management of BP.

200,000 gallons of oil a day, or more, are gushing into the Gulf of Mexico with the flow of oil growing. The poisonous devastation to human beings, wildlife, natural habitat and fragile ecosystems will go on for decades. It constitutes an act of environmental violence, the consequences of which will be catastrophic.

This was a manufactured disaster. It was neither an “Act of God” nor Nature that caused this devastation, but rather the unmitigated greed of Big Oil’s most powerful executives in their reckless search for ever-greater profits.

Under BP’s CEO Tony Hayward’s aggressive leadership, BP made a record $5.6 billion in pure profits just in the first three months of 2010. BP made $163 billion in profits from 2001-09. It has a long history of safety violations and slap-on-the-wrist fines.

It is imperative that the government seize BP’s assets now for their criminal negligence and begin providing immediate relief for the immense suffering and harm they have caused.

Click here to sign the Seize BP petition. Visit www.SeizeBP.org!

house, tractor, trailer, rum, people = party

witnessed my first house moving this weekend. from jess' veranda, there sat jess, benjee and myself, sitting in awe of half a board house teetering on a tractor's very narrow trailer. people in the wobbling house, waving. the whole crew popping open a bottle of white rum. it was a rare and awesome site to witness.

everything was illuminated

a surreal sense of calm fell upon me last night..
after a long weekend of joy, life and death; then coming home to stress and a feeling of animosity. just as all of this was taking over again, something happened.

i opened my email to find a letter from my brother asking for support and a hand in the complications and frustrations of life. basically everything became illuminated and came to realization as i wrote to him.

i hadn't quite finished and i suddenly felt truly happy deep, down inside.
inner peace found, even if for just a passing moment.
it was beautiful.

the world isn't saved.
i don't know the secret meanings of life.
my problems and stresses haven't disappeared,
but for that moment in time all was hushed, all was full of love and it sparkled.

break the cycle. break the mold.

we are all humans trying to make sense of this life and the world or whatever this is. we can't always take things at face value because we are all very different and unique. some things which work for a few, don't work for others, and vice versa. the way in which many parents were raised is bipolar to how many see themselves, myself included, what they have worked to become and how they've chosen to live. not every family clicks, but love is what it is about. wanting the best for them. accepting them, truly. i tell them this daily. i love them despite their ups and downs. i accept them as humans. i want them to find their happiness and bliss; life is too short.

we don't fully understand what this life is… so even more reason to live it fully. i have learned a ton from living in jamaica, but the one thing that has really made an impact on me is the death rate here. the dozens of funerals, wakes and nine nights i have attended. family and friends i have talked to who have lost those closest to them. life is so precious. it's too short and can be taken at any second. you should strive to live without regrets. i have seen those closest to me live with too many and still reminisce about them to this day. i chose to make a conscious effort to fight that. because of this i might not be the dream child my parents had idealized, but they shouldn't be surprised… they wanted my brother and i to be free thinkers, independent, …; they molded us for this. whether on purpose or by chance -- this is who we became.

some things just can't be rushed

you helped me rediscover something.
reminded me why it's important to sometimes leap into the unknown.
you gave me courage to take pieces of my wall down to let you in.
helped me to overcome fears and anxieties with patience and gentleness.

i see the world differently.
i see beauty when i see you smile.
i feel joy and and peace when i look at you, looking at me.

your touch makes everything else fade away.
your kiss sends sparks down my spine.
your singing makes my heart skip.
your embrace is what i long for.

despite all of the craziness and uncertainties,
your professions of love and talks of the future never fail to put a smile on my face.
i think it could be love, though i'm not completely sure.
and that i'm fearful to tell you because it could change everything.
i hope you know how much i care about you,
how fortunate i feel to have you in my life.

and now i feel as if everything has changed without our approval,
much less our control.
i long to go back to how it was.
i wish it was easier for us.

i will always remember when i first saw you
and more-so when our worlds collided,
leaving us stumbling over one another.
i still get butterflies.

i love you.