i had a dream i was in brooklyn

Back in Brooklyn... never saw this coming. I guess that's why they say, never say never. It's just as I remember it: cold, noisy, congested, gray and no sight of nature for miles. This place is a dream for those who want to live the city life, all bustling and busy, with work and hustling on their minds. For me, it makes me homesick and I long for those rural bushes, glorious sunshine, beautiful beaches and tropicalia at it's best. It's always made worse by the fact I end up alone, in a place I feel no connection. After about a week I was ready to return to Jamaica.. much less after the rush of hormones, stress of uncertainty, and the big void in my heart, which all came to a head and slowly started breaking me down. Too many promises every other day from the Embassy regarding my husband's paperwork, left us both letdown and tragically longing to just see one another, wondering if it would ever happen.

Luckily, just this past week, good news came when we least expected it and when we genuinely needed it... Hoping sooner than later he'll be stateside and we can work through all of this nonsense and uncertainty together. I finally have a doctor appointment this next week... hoping to get all the necessary tests run, along with proper check-ups and learning the knowledge of the baby's gender. Will it be Maya or will it be Noah? And will my husband have to shift from referring to the baby constantly as Noah. There are bets running, he claims he won't have to shift. Asha claims she's getting a sister named Maya, just for her to play with her hair. And Jessie is happy with Noah or Maya, promising to teach them everything he knows. This next week holds much insight.. just practicing some patience in the meantime.

And I'm toying with the idea of finding my way back to Florida, just to be closer to the things that make me happy... NY may be a bit too much of a push, especially with a baby coming. Time will tell and the universe will unfold it's desires...

4 months and counting

Today marks 4 months... Just started to show this little bump this past week... it's growing!

welcome to alabama

Road trip to Alabama.. very long indeed and the temperature keeps dropping. I think I've eaten more hummus than ever in my life on this trip; a bit tricky being a pregnant vegan on a road trip through the south. After about a day and a half of driving we made our way into Birmingham. It was a bit of a rough trip, not all daisies and honeycombs, but we all managed to survive. The time was important.. and necessary. I think it was beneficial for all of us. As soon as we settled in was as soon as we were making our way back. My brother had to work pretty much the entire holiday, so the little time we had was sweet and cherished... for it had been a while since we had joined forces as a family. I realized how much I had missed them and their presence, especially my dad. The trip home was more successful than the one up... in the following week we managed to work through more than we had in the past couple years.

We managed to truly reconnect and grow forward... and when the time came and I decided to head to NY it started sinking in that I wasn't quite ready to let go of them yet. I think that day at the airport was one of the more emotional partings I've ever had with them. My dad had gone to search for a wheelchair to get me through the security line a bit quicker, and in that time I had passed through and I hadn't been able to give him a hug goodbye. It could have been my hormones in overload, along with the stress of traveling alone, and leaving my parents just as things were starting to improve, ... any number of things, but as I waited in line tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. That connection with my father... it became clearer to me later. Having this baby has given me further understanding and desire for connection with my family. The tie with my father, something which can never be broken, but only strengthened is made ever deeper with the promise of a new generation and new life. That moment frozen in my memory and heart. I knew then that my father would go to the end of the world for me and I would run as far as I could to catch him. I realized at that moment the circle of life... in process.