land i love

i felt a bit gipped.
my mindset was prepared for india or africa.
dirt floors, no plumbing, no electricity.
i was ready.
instead i was sent here.
jamaica.

i agreed and took the challenge.
it was reminiscent of my youth.
in some way i viewed it as a chance meeting with my naive dreams.
i viewed jamaica as an extension of myself and my identity.
in some way i was given an opportunity to reach out to my people and my country.
we all have a similar story, territories fought over and exchanged like goods in the market,
left to fend for ourselves and strive for survival.
a headache and an eyesore forgotten about and left for dead once exploited.

once i saw it in this light my outlook changed,
i felt committed to making a difference.
looking into the eyes of children and seeing myself reflected was incentive enough.
through them i saw myself as a child.
fortunately i had been given a chance.
didn't they deserve the same right?

their history and story much like the rest of the caribbean
was now being offered up for tourists to gawk at and criticize from their buffet tables.
with a smile and a laugh they appease them in hopes to put food on their own tables.
families struggle to make ends meet.
the divide of city versus country;
deeply embedded roots so soon forgotten,
though both equally fighting to get through.

the true segregation of rich and poor.
meager earnings not nearly enough for one must support an entire family.
the bitter contrast of top of the line appliances to fireplaces,
one bedroom shacks to seven bedroom palaces,
kerosene lamps to chandeliers...

women and men bartering themselves off to the highest bidders.
one's pleasure, another's painful reality.
self-worth based solely on income, at whatever cost and sacrifice.
the extreme becomes the norm...
and so it continues from generation to generation.

violence and passion, the two-fold handshake of an land full of contradiction.
the beauty and the severity of it merged to provide a foundation
for lives to be taken away just as easily as they are commenced.
a people, so diverse, made humble through their long suffering and persecution.
a society formed from a global melting pot, visions of united nations;
out of many, one people.

stories of hardships and perseverance are masked by the present day situation.
youth wasting their lives away for trivial pursuits and short term fulfillment,
blinded by the end product, promise of wealth, and ease of labor.
so many raised without affection or encouragement,
left to figure out the life their parents have passed along.

love

what is love?

i spent so many years racking my mind.
tormenting my heart.
torturing myself.
in hindsight, needlessly.
in the hopes to find this miraculous thing so many spoke of.
so many wrote of.

i would guard myself.
so cautiously.
as not to lose anything.
misplace myself.
feel vulnerable.
feel so exposed.
naked even.
i would pine.
quietly.
suffer in silence.
for what?
to get nowhere.
yet have my secret safe.

trust was an issue.
still is.
i was my assurance.
another realm held my dreams, longings, desires, and the whole case of secrets.
the key never to be seen or found.
i convinced myself this was the way it had to be.
this was the way it was.
i was too sensitive to be seen.
too fragile to be touched.
too cautious to move.

i kept occupied with other trivial pursuits.
kept myself distracted.
tried to escape.
sometimes it worked.
other times it completely failed me.
when i did show an interest i was timid.
my mind would talk me out of it before i could utter a sound.
it was a game going on in my head.
except the speed control took over.
i had lost the power.
i became so conditioned to this.
this became the norm.

i made the move.
took control again.
it felt good.
i opened my mouth.
i professed what i felt.
it was unconditional love.
it was pure.
it was unselfish.
true.
whole.
all of me.
laid out.
i knew no other route.

closeness.
familiarity.
comfort.
acceptance.
a deeper bond.
all of which led to heartbreak.
after giving so much of myself for so long i felt lost in this sea of disparity.

who was i?
why did i give myself so freely?
had i been jaded?
irrational?
too much thinking.
mind ticking away.
staring at the ceiling.
counting dots as i reran through the events.
lost.
vulnerability in a new light.

raise the walls.
lock the doors.
so it started again.
shunning myself from intimacy.
avoiding attachment.
just being.
i believed i was realizing some predestined prophecy.
i had conquered it.
grown above it.
could easily exist without it.
like the buddhist monks i had studied.
had i found my "path" to enlightenment?
was i able to truly give everything up.
i convinced myself.
yes.
this was all a dream.
all an illusion.
i could not get swept into the emotions of life.
there was a larger picture to see.
i truly bought this.
i put so much energy and faith into belief.

i buried myself in work.
in school.
making my life only that.
it eventually caught up with me.
i burned out.
i blind-sided myself unknowingly.
when i least expected it.
i found that feeling again.
that feeling i thought i would never again feel.
the one which takes over your whole being.
the one which alters your mind.
transforms your heart.
changes the world.
makes everything beautiful.
sparkle.
tingle.

i tried to show caution.
the fear of regret inspired me.
risk won.
i took a chance.
it was still masked by my timidity.
i discovered a whole new world i had been missing.
every second brilliant.
rich.
sweet.
euphoric.
i let the walls down.
unlocked the doors.
it felt natural.
this feeling was too good to kick out.

i proclaimed my emotions.
pen and paper were the vehicle.
i felt it was too risky to blurt out.
it needed space and time.
point a to point b.
i was not big enough to see the whole picture.

my heart is still wrapped around this conviction.
this that i had laid out.
i felt so exposed that it scared me.
i retreated.
held myself back.
bit my tongue.
but for what?

if i were to pass tomorrow to another life.
another realm.
another universe.
what would i have to show for myself?
would i have lived every moment unafraid?
experienced all i had set out to?
i would still be holding on to this.
for it took such a piece of me to leave.
it was too painful.

my world shattered around me.
nothing was as important.
i lost a lot.
it is a constant reminder.
i continue to pick up the pieces.
my mind wanders so easily back to those moments.
my energy gone.
my drive somewhere.
waiting to be rediscovered.

i can only sleep to dream.
from this point i hold myself back.
the pain too real.
the scars still burning.
will i find that key again?
that one fit so well.
everything was aligned.
the cosmos even agreed.

i make an oath to try.
i have nothing to lose.
for i have lost it already.
though it stays with me in the back.
straggling along.
perhaps a reminder to live.
a reminder to risk it.
too much suffering.
i do not want to be a monk.
i want to live.
experience.
see all the possibilities.

if only i could learn to disable the mind.
constantly overanalyzing.
it is maddening.
nothing is simple enough.
i am left contemplating tenfold.

ramblings from the back of my mind

i feel guilty for all the opportunities i have been given. my life could have been a different story... born into an impoverished, developing country, left to try to fend for myself. instead i have a sea of options before me, i lose sleep over my future, i second guess myself and the opportunities which sit at my feet. i strain to find the equilibrium. i struggle between desire and expectation, constantly reminding myself i shouldn't feel this way... i should be grateful for where i have managed to end up and what i have been able to accomplish. isn't it just ignorant greed to want more? is it fair that i should have more chances to be different people, go different places, and learn different things? i battle with this... what is and what should be? what is just and unjust?

i feel the least i can do is give back... which reverts back to my vision of balance. i feel if i can do something which benefits more people, then i have attained my goals... i have done something to improve the larger picture. only then would i feel the sense of fulfilling my purpose in this life.

i feel my problems are so trivial and menial when i take a step back... i laugh briefly at my slight pretentiousness; then i feel humiliated at this thought of selfishness. i am my own worst enemy. i feel like a failure if i for one second stop thinking about the larger than life issues. it's a constant reality check. in turn it has helped me see life in a different light, not so much as my issues, but our issues. how does what i do affect others? how can my outlook manifest others? maybe there is no truth to my ideology, it could even be a coping mechanism, but as i see it, it helps me put everything into a more distinguishable interpretation.

maybe i will struggle for a lifetime with this.... i cannot say. it's not so clear cut as i would hope, but perhaps that is the beauty and reward of it. perhaps this is what life is all about, like buddha says, and through the hardship and suffering only then can joy and happiness be truly felt. i have yet to distinguish this as an overall truth, but for the time being it has made quite a lot of sense.

life seems so banal if there is no purpose. there has to be some point to all of this... right? i teeter between all the religions and meanings.. for me it seems we are here to help one another. its a heads and tails toss-up. heads promises a life full of opportunities, while tails promises a life full of hardships. it's a chance existence. we have to make the most of what we are dealt.. those with the upper hand should look out for those facing obstacles, for it could have been them on the other side. that's the most important part of this, it's all coincidental, out of our control.

we have to help our fellow brothers and sisters because it could be us in another life.. i believe heavily in karma and i am convinced it carries over after this life. i can't say i am a christian. i was raised in christianity, but i didn't believe it fully, i wasn't convinced it was the "only way," much to my parents chagrin. i believe there are good stories and morals which are shared in several religions. but who is to say in total conviction they know for sure... no one knows for sure. only the deceased know for sure and we won't know till we reach that point. if there is only one thing i will take from christianity, it is that we cannot judge. we have no right. so we cannot criticize other beliefs, religions, or walks of life. yet it happens. who is right?

why can't we see the similarities we share and embrace them? love your neighbor as yourself. hmm. so it goes. i spent my adolescence being judged and scrutinized by teachers, principals, friends, acquaintances, ... moving from one religious school to another. i couldn't fake the emotions. i wasn't allowed to question christianity or the bible. they were oblivious to the fact they were hypocrites in their so-called faith. i reached my breaking point and refused to keep my mouth shut. i was tired of being hushed and looked down upon. for a while religion had left me with a bitter taste. i refused any associations. it took some time to overcome my adverse feelings. i questioned life, purpose, ... . i felt like it was all for nothing. i felt pessimistic, that the only point was to reach death; that life was just pain and suffering. i discovered reassurance in buddhism. it made sense and started putting things into perspective. it made sense, the suffering, the relinquishing of desire... but i discovered it wasn't enough. there was something missing.

i looked into hinduism and took comfort in many of it's lessons. i merged this with some of the buddhist ideas as well as some scientific truths and created a bit of meaning from it all. everything is everything. life is all around us. we are everything from the trees in the park, to the dogs running around, to the baby in the carriage, the fish in the sea, to the flowers in the garden, to the man sitting on the bench, ... . this higher spiritual order, god, krishna, allah, enlightenment, whatever you want to call it is all one. i don't see distinguishable differences. there has to be something going on in the shadows; even science leads me to believe so. but i am no theologian. i'm just a perplexed 24 year old trying to make sense of this amazing and confusing place.

the days have passed me by

i started another blog for my "jamaican experience," but not everything is about peace corps, nor do i wish for it to be. there is more going on than just peace corps and well.. as this has been my outlet for so long, i felt it only natural to return and share my thoughts and musings.

you can find my peace corps blog at pickney gal love di guavaberry