blessings and wealth

checklist:
- life
- no disabilities
- education
- loving husband
- loving parents
- loving brother
- loving step-kids
- perspective
- opportunities, even if small
- ability to travel
- patience
- understanding
- love
- concern
- confidence
- ability
- genuine joy
- ...

i have god/jah/krishna/allah/universe on my side to help me face the stresses of life... whatever my hold ups are i need to find a way to release them and move forward.

furthering education, lack of money, uncertainty, distance from family, ...

i need to let go... things will work out if they are to manifest... i don't know why i need to remind myself, because they always do, even when the way seems impossible or unclear.

i hear it repeatedly, subconsciously -- 'everything will work out,' and deep within i know it will (to an extent), but a part of me fears it will not and i try to control the situation and that fear turns deeper and deeper, until i convince myself otherwise.

so i need to acknowledge this current downfall of mine, letting stress turn to doubt and fear and find another way to face the situation -- headstrong.

i need to realize stress leads to a demise of happiness.. usually wreaks havoc on all good if given enough strength and power. its seeing and learning from this early that i can hopefully avoid these pitfalls.

if school is to happen financially it will.. i cannot kill myself to save money while i become miserable and alone, painstakingly saving every cent so i won't go into debt.

if a baby is to come the time will show itself.. i cannot rush kids but also i cannot disregard it either. the time will present itself somehow and i pray money and security will come with that sign.

i hope one day the family issue will resolve... and with it a sense of peace can take over the silence, pain and disgust. one day, in time i realize...

other uncertainty -- housing, money, family, location, financing, all of it, i'm trying to let it go, realizing it's all bigger than myself... that 'i' alone cannot face it, change it, or make it.

**reminder: tomorrow is a new day, different than yesterday or today or the next day. i can do and/or be anything with some persistence and faith.

food for thought

a very dear friend of mine gave me some food for thought today --

"you've been through a lot this year, and I think it is time you sit down and acknowledge it... you need time to look not just forward, but inside - hug yourself, and welcome yourself in the present time. there's a lot already happening, and you can rest a bit... inside."