testing 1, 2, 3, testing...

Instead of getting better about updating this blog I have gotten completely worse - yikes! Well over a year now since my last post, which I was hoping would have been a push towards a more balanced posting regime. C'est la vie. It has been exactly 8-1/2 months since I completed my graduate studies, Maya is now 21 months old, today is our four year anniversary and on the 30th I will be turning 30. Kind of a momentous moment in life. I remember when my brother turned 30 I thought he was sooo old, granted I was nearly 8 years younger, so to fathom 30 at 22 was out of this world. Now I am quickly approaching this milestone myself and I am left to wonder where has the time gone -- really? I feel just last year I turned 21, who doesn't? I definitely have not reached my pinnacle as of yet, but I do feel good about it. I feel accomplished in the fact I conquered and reached a few major challenges and dreams - finishing architecture school alive, traveling the world, serving as a peace corps volunteer, finding my life partner, having a baby that I never thought I could have, going back to school and getting my master's degree in something that I actually enjoyed, hitting rock bottom with my family and working to rebuild a more genuine relationship with them, watching my daughter grow up and getting to spend the first two years of her life with her non-stop, ... I've been blessed beyond measure and for that I am just overjoyed about -- even just listing these things I feel God's love in all of it, very humbling.

It hasn't felt like that this past year -- trials and tribulations have been tenfold, a real earth shattering experience. I have been on the constant job hunt since December 2013 with no luck, other than great interviews that went nowhere and positions that were ridiculous to conceive with a family and a baby in tow. It has been a struggle to keep going, keep up the hunt, and just give it to God, knowing that in the end He'll have my back and manifest something when it is the right opportunity and the right time. I have given it to prayer over and over again, asking for wisdom, patience and understanding to get through it and those prayers have definitely been answered, maybe not in the way I expected, but yes, they have been answered. I have come to the realization that there has been a neon flashing sign literally in my face this whole time and I have been so desperate to see beyond it that I never took the time to read it. This time has been about making the time with Maya and being there for her -- in my heart I really trust that it has been more about her than me. I have been her constant rock for two years uninterrupted and maybe that was so key in her development or for our bond. Only God knows really. I have just given in to trusting the process and stopped questioning the why's at every turn, and since then such peace has come over me.


In the next week and a half I will be leaving to Washington D.C. for 10 weeks for a Latino Heritage Internship opportunity that I was chosen to work with the National Register of Historic Places. It is bittersweet because I will have to leave Chris and Maya for that time, but it will be a wonderful opportunity for me to finally be applying my skills, networking, and doing me. I have reached the moment of enlightenment -- I'm a total mom. Seriously, for the past week I have been an emotional wreck thinking about leaving my daughter, the void of her presence in my life for that time, missing her 2nd birthday, but then I remember I have done a lot already for her and she'll be just fine. 10 weeks will go by quickly and thank God she's still young that she probably won't remember much about this when she turns 30. One can hope. I think it'll be good for the three of us.

I also think the time will be beneficial for Chris. I do so much for him that I think sometimes he gets too complacent -- expecting I'll always be picking up the slack, which is ok for now considering I don't mind and I'm not working full-time yet, and when I was in school he would never hesitate to help me out. But, as of lately it is getting a little old. Once in a while I would like to know I can rely on him for some things again. It will be good for him to do things for himself to realize all that I do willingly and lovingly without complaining. He says he's dreading grocery shopping the most -- which I would think would be the least of his concerns, but : potaytoe :, : potahtoe:. We've also gone through our share of foundation shuddering events this past year that have been very draining and wearing on our relationship which I think the time away will prove healing and motivating to overcome and move forward. I just pray he will get his priorities in line and realize that choosing to start a life with someone should be mirrored not just in theory but in practice. Too often he unknowingly throws me under the bus for family issues, when I have nothing to do with any of it, and that only further cracks away at our foundation. It is hurtful and makes me feel like I am second rate many times, even though he chose me to be his family. That constant action this past year has made me more disconnected from him and more guarded to avoid a greater and deeper hurt. I know he loves me without question, I just think he needs to face and square away some serious issues that he's conveniently ignoring which are now plaguing our relationship and our family dynamic. It has been a default mode for him in every relationship, so I know it is something that will take great effort on his part. I can only support and encourage -- I cannot and will not force change, it needs to be something he sees and realizes on his own. So, perhaps this time away will provide some food for thought and perspective to overcome.

In saying that, today marks four years since we said "I do." It has been a struggle at times and so amazingly perfect at other times. I think marriage is just that -- a balancing act. Too much of a good thing will 'kill' you. Everything good and worthwhile does not come easy -- we must appreciate the process of the trying times to relish in the sweet times. We have definitely grown in our relationship these past years -- I think there is more room for growth, communication and a clearer delineation of family vs family. Then and only then do I think we have a much better chance at a successful marriage and family dynamic. But, I am hopeful that we can reach that together, unified and strong with guidance and wisdom. I am blessed to have him by my side and to have found someone that is genuine and so scarily in-line with what I believe and how I choose to live my life. To think we've made it this far and neither one of us ever had marriage on our agendas is pretty amazing. I always planned to be single till death, roaming the globe, living life without boundaries, adopting kids along the way and just doing my own thing. To have found somebody who made me rethink all of that was life-changing and inspiring. And four years later I hold no regrets about any of it. So here's to many more years ahead of us -- may they be fulfilling, loving and blessed.