7 months

7 months..

it's been a long time.

it's been a long time in a different environment.

it's been a long time away from him.

it's been a long time of phone calls.

it's been a long time of love separated.

it's been a long time of hope.

it's been a long time of faith.

it's been a long time of striving to rise above.

it's been a long time of longing.

so many emotions, feelings, moments..

they have all been counting down to this very place in time.

i couldn't sleep...

i was so anxious,

mainly to see his face.

7 months is a long time.

i laid there awake,

staring out the window to the glowing moon lurking above.

it was like some nights when i grew lonely,

i would recount the moments --

laughter,

joy,

sweetness,

fragility,

beauty,

...

quickly the anxiousness dissipated,

and i managed to fall into that dreamy state.

the next morning i ended up on an endless hunt,

i walked all over in search of a post office,

only finding new roads i had never traversed,

or dead ends leading to nowhere.

hours,

walking with purpose,

yet finding myself lost and cold and aimless.

within seconds of giving into discomfort and frustration,

i stumbled directly upon it.

isn't it funny i thought to myself,

i ran through every street,

of every neighborhood,

and yet i couldn't find it;

only as i am on my last hope does it show itself.

i attempted to backtrack home,

quickly realizing my time had flown by,

remembering i still needed to pack.

i made it somehow to the airport,

despite some issues with the train...

i sat there waiting to board,

realizing i still had a long way to go,

even though it seemed so close at hand.

the little sleep from the night before was met with a night at the miami airport,

wide awake,

freezing,

trying to find relief under the comfort of my jacket.

i managed to catch an hour here or there,

clinging to my legs,

hunched and leaning on my bag.

it was going to be a very long day indeed.

the phone calls counted down the looming time..

we were like giddy children,

longing for that much anticipated moment.

i don't know how it all happened,

it wasn't how i had imagined,

i had been waiting and i decided to hit the atm,

as i was fighting with the bag and the door,

an arm appeared...

a familiar face,

a familiar smile.

i was so tired it took a bit longer to react,

my heart stopped for a moment,

because i couldn't believe it had finally arrived.

it was as if no time had passed...

if 7 months had been nothing more than an hour passed at the airport.

his hand was just as i remembered as he held mine in his,

his smell so surreally familiar,

that smile,

it hit me every time.

yes, it had happened.

we were here.

together.

again.

everything else faded to exist or matter.

it was the moment,

it was him,

it was me,

it was here.

he gazed for hours,

playing with my hair,

stroking my cheek,

kissing my eyes..

i had missed that feeling..

longed for it for so very long.

i fell asleep as he sang to me,

locked in his arms,

safe,

sound,

most peaceful...

the deepest sleep i have slept in 7 months.

open your eyes, learn, believe

i can't make you see.

i can only show you.

that is, if you choose to see with open eyes.

you must have an open mind,

an open heart,

release all judgements,

and believe in something larger than yourself.

how do you expect to see when you have turned your eyes aside,

closed your mind,

in turn, hardening your heart against that which is foreign to you.

keep it clear.

be receptive --

for we never stop learning,

to the day we die we are barraged by lessons...

tune yourself in.

new environments, new perspectives

here i am in brooklyn.. go figure. a month ago i had no idea i would be living and working in new york of all places. long story short, i had been job hunting from florida to no avail and finally through a friend i was urged to send in my cv at his job.. a month went by and then he called telling me to get a ticket and fly up for an interview. i flew up and well, i somehow managed to land a freelancing gig.

there has been so much going on, but i can't begin to convey my joy for a new environment and neighboring wavelengths... it's as if all that negativity around me was trying to break in and weigh me down and yet amazing when you make a conscious effort to only focus on the positive how you can rise above unscathed. damn. it's a powerful thing. no matter what highs or lows, an elevated outlook can get you through it all without sacrificing your life to pettiness.

i'm still finding my way here, but it feels good. it's not quite home yet, but maybe in time. it feels comfortable, walking around, feeling inspiration and taking in the energies around. it also helps having friends from here and there back around, reconnecting -- revisiting the past in a sense, but with wiser eyes and more experience. everything seems possible. i don't know, can't quite put my finger on it.

i still have that void inside of me but i know that missing piece is only invisible... it's there just can't see it to feel it. i needed this and though i may not have much money to my name now, i know i am following my heart and soul -- doing what i must. for in this life it's not about what we take with us, but how we lived. we must strive to make positive, lasting impacts. yea, it's gaining momentum, i'm excited about what lies ahead but i am taking the time to live every second of it in preparation.

as i sit here

my eyes are burning as my tears have dried.
i am reminded not to be hurt or upset or focused on all that's trying to bring me down,
for i know if i give negativity power it will amass and take control.
i am better than that.

i cannot succumb to despair,
for life has much more to offer than letdowns.
life is not an easy journey if you choose to live it dynamically.
there are beautiful highs and hideous lows..
but one without the other causes skewed thinking.
we need both balanced to appreciate all that is attainable and possible.

this moment here has been most challenging,
but i know deep within there is a reasoning more powerful than i may ever fully realize.
sometimes we must sink deep to see a bit clearer.
perhaps all of these challenges hitting me up are just bold reminders.
i know my strength, wisdom faith and patience is further being tested,
and i cannot deny the pain,
but every once in a while we need to strive to see the larger picture at hand.

as troy davis was executed last night tears strewn down my face,
i felt it ever deeply,
my heart ever heavy...
life doesn't always make sense,
things don't always work out as you see fit,
but they are working out for a reason.

troy davis did not have to die,
but he was killed for a reason.
his thoughts and his words will live on in all who were affected and touched,
that clarity and passion will continue if we pursue it.
maybe this was a wake up call for many... one can hope.

if we want change we have to learn to foster it.
no one can live your life,
you must live it...
but keep in mind we must strive to be at our best, always.

we are all brothers and sisters as we all stem from the same roots of civilization.
we should never hesitate to build up one another, no matter the consequences.
our society has stepped away from nurturing humanity,
and we've somehow been blinded,
but look around,
is this really how life is to be?
violence, hate, greed, death
it's so shallow and cold.

there is more to it than getting ahead and having this or that...
life is too short to sacrifice,
but our connections run deep and carry on even after we pass.
whether its taking the time to hear someone out,
helping somebody with something,
or just smiling bright as every day rises...
these simple actions go far.

crying is a waste of energy,
so what if life decides to throw you a curve ball --
dust yourself off,
dry your eyes
and get back in the game,
giving it all you have to give.

patience my youth

as you walk through your life, remember there is something larger always at work and reasons abound for all that takes place for every second of every day we are blessed with life... we may not see it now and may not even realize why till years later, but it is to be and it is for a very important reason. keep your head high and your heart clean, for only through pure and positive living and thinking can we succeed in life. walk with the most high and seek the truth in all that you encounter.

my letter to the universe

i hear you. i am patiently struggling to hear what you have to say, or see what you have to show me. i've received your signs and with each i close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself there is something larger at work here. it's been a most trying time i will tell you. you have been testing me most strategically. at moments of exhaustion it begins to ware on my mind and bother me a bit, but after that second wind i am back up ready to take what you have to give me. i don't want to challenge you, but rather work with you. are all of these things meant to lead me to somewhere? why are there so many doors opening yet they slowly become closed to me? i know it must be for some reason and i don't want to push the veil if i am not meant to touch it. i don't want to force something if it is not meant to be, but as well i don't want to be left behind. i have faith... it's getting dusted off during these moments of trial and tribulation, but my head is held up high and my heart full of love and sincerity. i know who i am, where i have come from and where i wish to go. like a wise man once told me, life is full of problems, it's how we carry on with the solutions that make the difference. i am trying to heed that advice, keeping a positive vibe in all i do, keeping a pure heart, and just being me with every day that passes along. i know all of these things are meant to remind me of what matters most to me and what i care about. i'm trying to do my part and i will keep my wits about me, looking for further clues, but please know i mean no disrespect, i just want to know where this is taking me?

retail, day whatever

so the job is waring a bit... i personally loathe shopping since i was a child, so to work in a retail store is a bit of an oxymoron. the commute itself is draining not to mention standing all day and dealing with disgruntled people. i spend more on gas for that commute than i actually have managed to earn --which i'm still waiting for it to balance out, ... and that speeding ticket really didn't help further that along, i am so far in the hole at the moment i'm trying to grab on to rocks to climb out. but work is work, it's what you make of it. it's been a good experience, learning something different, and being in an environment i would never find myself in... i've met some interesting people from all walks of life, i've laughed most sincerely, fluffed off the nonsense and made it through every day and night. so all in all, it is waring but it's giving my mind a vacation from it's constant analytical mode and from worrying about my life's current position. in the end, we take what we can get and we run with it. the laughter gets me through and when i wake up i thank god i made it to another day.

retail, day one

well, not so bad, everyone complimented me on my smile and laughter. that made me smile and laugh even harder. so all in all a very busy day, but it was filled with most positive vibes, which i needed. so i think it might just end up being a bit therapeutic.. or so i'm hoping. day two tomorrow.

the walls are caving in...

my patience has worn thinner through throughout the years, only distance remedies the situation, but unfortunately it isn't a permanent cure. she throws things in my face and holds it all against me. she doesn't see it, but she does treat me differently from my brother, always has. i've gone to great lengths to gain my independence from her -- that space took a lot of distancing myself from her, but it only makes for awkward and painful reunions... she ends up pushing and trying to overcompensate for lost time and it just pushes me farther away, i've gotten accustomed to being alone, away from them and surviving just fine. i love them, i appreciate all they have done for me, and despite the madness i love her with all of my heart, i just can't deal with her ways and actions. she has also become more ridiculous through the years, more overbearing, controlling, sensitive and doing just about anything for attention.

i've played a parental role for so long that i don't know know any other motion than detached, it's all i can do to survive with her. i try for a second to be myself and she says i've changed; i'm 'different than that sweet, little girl.' i've been someone else my entire life to them. i hid who i was to please and be acceptable. i keep my mouth shut for the most part, smile and go along with it all. but its equally tiring pretending to be someone you aren't. i don't like coming home so much because i have to pretend and if for one second i put my guard down i've 'changed into someone so different,' they 'don't know me,' and my favorite one, 'the world changed me into someone so far removed than who they raised.' now i'm 'malicious' for running off and getting married. i appreciate their concern and love, but they have just blown all of this out of proportion... i understand giving them space for a mourning period, but this is turning into a serious issue. i can't breathe and her actions are just making me want to run further away for longer periods of time.

she goes out of her way to push everything in my face - the sacrifices, the undying love, the sicknesses, the drama... it's all my fault and i'm most ungrateful. in her eyes and mindset the only reason i got married was to kill her... nothing to do with soulmates or love or anything normal like that, she doesn't want to hear about that, it was spite and malice. she refuses to listen, saying she lost her trust in me... um?? if she recalls clearly i never, ever came to her to speak about certain things because since i was a child i had zero trust in her. ironic. she is an emotional wreck with a very closed, critical mindset... it's nearly impossible dealing with her; and i think i actually just gave up hope a long time ago. i do what i need to and move on with my life. i don't want to get old and bitter. i mean as it stands we have had a most superficial relationship for a decade or more... not that i am not to blame either, i know i probably have a lot to do with it as well, but i know for a fact this all started when i was quite young, i held much resentment against her from the time i was little. she is always the victim, she is always dying from something and always drama-ridden.

i chose to live differently quite early on. i chose to experience all life had to offer, not taking what others had to say at face value. we butted heads early on because of this and because she was most over-protective, trying to shelter me from the world, so i went against it to get from under her and catch some fresh air. yet despite all that i'm crazy and disrespectful... i've 'forsaken my parents and gone against god's words.' letting their parents dictate their lives is both of my parents biggest regrets to this day. i refused to be like that. why can't they accept that and move on?

since i got back to the states and all the news leaked out, it's been as if i've died. i'm very much alive and much living life, but since it goes against all they know i am dead to them. why can't we move on -- life is much too short to carry on with all of this nonsense. the only reason i am here, dealing with the madness is because i love her and i want to give this a chance before i leave. if i was sane i wouldn't have come home at all. i find myself walking on her eggshells and having to apologize at every turn, yet she is relentless. i'm growing more tired and exhausted. if she wants a relationship with me then she needs to snap out of it, otherwise i think this is only going to further burn our already frazzled bridge.

empress, gentleman

distance is just a word

even a million miles away, you still manage to make my soul smile.

some doors close, so that others can open

so, things happen for a reason, I'll be the first to attest to that... after 2 weeks of going insane, trying to find funding for germany, nothing came though... nobody would give me the money and there were no other alternatives. i searched high and low, relentlessly, and then i realized there has to be a reason why this isn't working out. After much thought and meditation I have moved on... I had left london open, so as it is, even though ridiculously expensive, it seems that it is what is to be. maybe there is a reason for me to go there... it is only 1 year, it's just as good of a program, if not better than germany and being in london could leave me with a stellar job, considering all the top urban development ngos are founded there. i just finished the loan applications and i feel at peace about it. i mean it will all work out how it is supposed to and i have to let that go and let it be.

my family is still a mess, but i know it will work out one day. i can only be me and i can only be the best i can be, right? so, i am doing it. i am being me. living my life positively and seeking out my goals, dreams and ambitions. i have the love and support of an amazing man, children, family and not to mention my most amazing and supportive friends. so, even a bump in the road like this is unfortunate, but i know in time wounds will mend and we'll be able to hopefully move on. i cannot dwell on that which i cannot control.

words to live by

'don't follow the crowd,

but step softly among human hearts.

train your mind to think big.

expand your mind until it encircles the universe.

stop fussing over little things,

over useless people,

and fill your mind with new ideals and fresh purpose.

pick up the pieces

i'm sorry my choices and decisions have been left field of their dreams and ambitions,
but love is never as you plan it...
it happens.
that's the beauty of it.
i am so completely in love
and i wish they could see this beautiful man for who he is
instead of what they think he is.

i had a serious breakdown up in tennessee,
i think the stress and exhaustion mounted
and as soon as he called for the evening i just broke down.
i mean on the freaking field,
outside during the heat game,
sobbing my eyes out.

he stayed all night on the phone trying to pick up the pieces.
he feels like shit because he feels he has a lot to do with it
and he never wanted anything like this to come about.
my god.
i just can't manage the drama.
i was so happy
and then i came home
and same shit.

i haven't been in this much pain in a long time.
and it breaks my heart to see the situation.
all of this emotion and drama
because of close minds
and dreams
and not being able to let go of your children.
i wish they could see this is causing so much more harm than help.

i just want to survive this...
make it to school and live my life.
if they are going to put this much fucking emphasis on success
and future
and so-called ambition
i wont fit in here
because my ideals and outlook are very different.
and its a miracle i found someone who shares those same things.

i don't see age,
or color,
or status,
or image,
or possessions
or any of these things...

i see a person for who they truly and genuinely are.
i see a pure soul.
i see someone who has become my best friend
and who i can talk for hours till i'm blue in the face
about whatever and never get bored.
i see someone who loves me for me
and cherishes all the small details.

i don't get bombarded with all the nonsense,
i see above it.
so i'm sorry for them.
but i made up my mind and frankly
i don't see it as being selfish or immature.
i see it as being tired of bullshit and standing up in what i believe.

i have faith

this has been one of the most challenging moments for me.

i've been facing so much all at once and though it's breaking my heart,
i'm trying to see the bigger picture,
realize life will go on,
the pieces will somehow find their way back together.

it could take a lifetime,
but at some point it has to happen.

i have faith.

i know i have been true to myself,
to my desires,
to pursuing my happiness,
my joy,
and above all love.

i cannot apologize for that,
for i am not sorry i am living life fully,
without regret,
nor for the happiness of others.

life is much too short to sacrifice,
much less to give up on love,
happiness,
joy.

if we don't seize the moments that the universe has laid out before us,
we will come to regret it later on,
claim we were blindsided,
we were too busy,
we missed the signs...

the sweetest things are those which you have to fight for.
the highs and the lows,
they need a balance;
too much of one thing is poisonous.

with a pure heart,
pure intentions,
and love,
anything can be a possibility.

i have faith.

taking cues from the universe

another year has passed... i am now 26.
it just seems the years are flying by without much control.
i recently finished my two year stint in the bushes of jamaica.
i am trying to stay sane and re-adapt back to the norms of the states,
though i feel i may never actually fit ...
that's been something which has always been a struggle,
trying to fit into life here.

it won't be much longer though,
i'll soon be off again,
off to make life and meaning somewhere else.
as i get older its the people in my life
that make the moments and the places.
that seems to be the one thing in my life that has remained constant,
the people in my life.
i cherish them indeed and feel most fortunate to have them in my life.

recently,
while catching up with some old friends,
the topic of destiny,
fate,
the universe's plans,
nature's desires,
...
all came into discussion.

more and more i am convinced
that the universe sends us messages and signs,
we must have an open-mind to see these things.
the farther we move from nature and ourselves,
we lose sight of the ability to communicate with the universe.

we must check ourselves regularly
to prevent these moments of darkness and cloudiness.
and when we feel we have reached our rock bottom,
realize there is something waiting out there,
it will get better.
we just have to stay positive,
remember without life we have nothing,
so as long as we are alive,
healthy,
and capable of functioning,
we have so very much.
it's the little things in life
and when we have that plus,
we are free to live life fully.

life is much too short to lose sight of what's most valued and important.
it's only natural we all have different views on this,
we are all human,
and each have very unique and different perspectives,
because of our experiences or backgrounds.
but with an open-mind,
we can reach so much farther and see so much more.

it's truly beautiful
when we learn to accept people and situations
and move on,
trying to be the best we possibly can be,
letting our joy,
happiness and love shine on the world.
whether we want to believe it or not,
it makes a difference.

be a radiating lighthouse of inspiration and affect those around you.

a promise

i adore you my darling.

every day i feel blessed to have you in my life.
my whole life i was waiting for you
and there you were,
standing there before me.
i love you with all of my heart,
might,
and strength.

they say true love is hard to come by
and if you should be fortunate enough to stumble upon it,
seize it.
i've come to realize life is continuous;
it doesn't wait for plans.
i used to sacrifice life,
thinking it was on pause while i worked things out.
now i see it clearly.

i don't want to lose this because i feel i have to make things perfect.
i want to live my life fully,
pursuing love,
beauty,
and above all,
happiness.

you are my heart and my desire.
in you i've found what i had been searching for...
this all wasn't just a coincidence,
but rather predestined (in a sense).
and here we are,
we've found one another
and discovered what we both had been yearning for.

i love you so very much my darling.
with you i want to spend the moments yet to be lived
and experienced.
with you i want to explore the unexplored.
your face is the first i want to see when i wake
and the last as i close my eyes to sleep.
with you i want a family
and with you i want to grow old and laugh.

life is much too short to dream
and this life and love that i've discovered with you
is so much too amazing to just let go so easily.
i never dreamed i would find this
but i want you to know i'm ready,
ready to do whatever it takes to realize this.
i'm yours for life if you want me.

ready, steady, go

babe, are you ready?
i'm ready,
if you're ready...
i'm ready to start our forever.
i was waiting for you all along
and it seems you were standing before me.

everything and everyone will have to fall into place.
we have it,
you and me,
we just have to seize it.
i love you with all of my heart,
i hope you know it's true and genuine.
you are my sunshine and my joy.
i want you by my side far into eternity.

my darling,
with you i want to live all the moments life has yet to unfold.
we will work out all the unknowns and uncertainties together.

what do you say darling?
are we ready?

(re)discovery of life, love and possibilities

the past two years have been a fully realized and enjoyed blur...

i have learned many valuable lessons throughout my two years in jamaica; most of which took place in and around my community. it took some effort and initiative, but not too long after i was accepted and viewed in my community as any other jamaican. it has been a very touching experience to be so loved and taken in... i now have a larger family, made up of close friends who see me as their family and blood.

now that my time is counting down rather quickly,
everyone is getting quite nostalgic.
we reminisce about the past,
the good,
the bad,
the crazy,
...
they have difficulty remembering when i first came,
some say two years,
some say five,
and others say they have known me from when.
it's funny to hear,
but it's equally bittersweet.

people say seaford town will never be the same without me.
my presence will be missed,
and and only my spirit felt.
there will be a little less sunshine,
and an empty space in my absence

i know i will always have a place here.
a place to call my home,
whenever i should want it.
i feel blessed to have had this opportunity
and the time to meet
and exchange with these beautiful people
who have touched and impacted my life.

i will keep the memories of my friends and students close to my heart.
i will always remember that first instance i arrived here,
my initial impressions,
and that first day of teaching at school...
the room full of children
and me,
completely lost,
but after the days,
weeks,
months,
and years that followed,
it became routine and natural,
as if i had been here all along...
as if life had always been like this.

so,
as the time is winding down,
i look back with a heart full of love
on fond memories and spectacular adventures.
like a friend told me the other night,
"jamaica has done you well, no true?
you must find a way to come back,
no ifs,
ands,
or buts about it.
we can't manage without you.
it wasn't by chance you were sent here.
there was a reason
and i hope you have learned to see it."

how

how do you begin to tell your overcritical parents that you have discovered something real.
that you are in love like you have never experienced before
and that you have been loved like no one has ever loved you...
and it's with someone they very much disapprove,
but just based on exterior perceptions and judgments.

how do you begin to tell them you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
that you love his children as yours,
and yes,
it's not their dream situation or plan for you,
happiness like this is quite rare to come across,
when you love someone you accept them as they are,
taking the highs and the lows equally.

life isn't easy and love is that much more complicated.
we can't help who we come to love,
sometimes it just happens
and we are the last to know.
so it goes.

you don't want anything more than their blessings and love.
everyone is an adult and quite capable of making their own decisions,
thought out and in a rational way.
serious things take time.
because of love and respect you want them to know.

you are prepared for the worst,
to withstand their anger,
disappointment,
disapproval,
...
the list can go on,
but it doesn't change your love for people,
nor your love for them,
not just as your parents,
but people you love and care about.

so at the end of the day,
you are still their daughter,
who loves them,
but just want them to accept your happiness.

you were raised to see beauty within people,
not to hold judgments against anyone,
live a good and meaningful life,
striving to make the world a better place...
if you have discovered that and more in someone,
someone who brings out your best
and together you can make something positive,
beautiful,
and dynamic,
then why lose that?

life is much too short to forgo something so real,
all for the sake of others' peace of mind,
acceptance,
and happiness.
the time has come to stand up and make some noise.

they always talk about finding that special person,
who will complete you,
enrich your life,
challenge you,
and love you more than you can imagine.

how do you show them you have found that and more,
though the packaging might not be to their taste?
here lies the next challenge... time and patience en tow.

twenty six

this year i will be 26.

twenty years ago i was a precocious 6 year old in grade 1 at bob jones elementary school.

we lived in greenville, south carolina -- the apartment complex down the road from bi-lo and the michellin factory. my brother and i shared a room and at nights we would talk and share stories.

ten years later i was sweet 16.

we were living in mount dora, florida. i was in grade 11, on the cusp of changing schools for my senior year. it took everything to convince my parents i was going to be just fine. my focus was to succeed in school. have fun, graduate, get into a good university far away from small town florida and travel.

ten years later, here i find myself.

graduated university, traveled, worked abroad, moved several times and currently finishing up a 2 year service in the peace corps. i survived.

when i was young i dreamed about being a missionary to china, it's all i knew about an outlet to travel, so i decided i would do it. i used to read stories of missionaries, their work, lives, experiences, ... it filled my head with wonder and from early i knew i was destined to be a nomad. i was obsessed with asia -- the food, the culture, the people, the customs, ... that was one of the only reasons i ever agreed to go to church, to hear about the visiting missionaries talking about their experiences. religion wasn't a stronghold for me though -- i found missionaries too hypocritical and overbearing. i didn't want to be associated with any of that. i then decided i would become a professional figure skater like my childhood idol, kristi yamaguchi... from the fame i could travel the world. i wasn't destined for that though. i then tried gymnastics, thinking i could be the next nadia, but that also fizzled and faded. we moved a lot, apartment to apartment, state to state, island to country, and vice-versa, ... the idea and image of 'home' changed -- it became what was important, special and a comfort to me. no matter where we found ourselves, what new school i was enrolled in, or ..., i always had home. my confidantes were my journals and my pets. thinking back now, all of my dogs passed on and yet i learned to cope and move on. i've learned to be very strong and resilient -- ready to face any challenge head on; independent to the core. i'm not afraid of challenges, solitude, change, ... i've done it and mastered the ropes and it's become a custom; part of the norm. high school ended and i booked my ticket to france. my savings covered the costs i took care of everything -- my brother suggested i would enjoy volunteering at a workcamp designed to preserve old french cultural sites. i signed up for a month. i jumped in, head first, learned french as fast as possible, made friends and slept in a football stadium. i started smoking that summer. it was a beautiful eye-opening experience. i loved that place and i vowed to return and open a commune.

i backpacked a lot of france or another 2 months, visiting friends i had made from the camp. i decided i wasn't ready to return. i hadn't been accepted to the universities i had pined for and i wasn't interested if it wasn't meant to be. i figured i could apply to school in paris and try to find my way. my parents had other thoughts. they said they supported me, but said financially i'd be on my own . i kept my poker face until a week before classes were to start, i sucked my pride and called my parents to say i thought it over and i wanted to avoid such debt so early -- so i flew back an went to school.

i took every opportunity to travel back and get out. i tried to live meagerly so i could fund these ventures. as school came to an end i wanted out this time it was back to holland. i didn't know a soul. i had volunteered for a month outside amsterdam a year or so before, so i was a bit familiar with the city. i found a room, managed to meet people and had a decent go of things, despite the job. my call finally came in from the peace corps and i was off to jamaica. the past 2 years have given me time to put everything into perspective and help to further pinpoint what i want... it's only been solidified: travel, meaningful work, something creative, something different, full of opportunities to meet change. longtime goal and dream of working with for unhabitat is getting closer and closer. who knows?

i'm on the right path to realizing my goals and it's been 26 years in the making. it's crazy how time has passed by so quickly. when did i really become 26? i feel like i'm still 21, every year. but this is it; this is life, going on with or without your permission. so best advice i can give myself is to jump in, fully. live every moment, don't waste the time away. be present and embrace the good with the bad. don't stress too much, remember the 'helicopter view'... big picture perspective helps keep it in check. laugh often. avoid hypocrites and more so becoming one. if you feel sad, cry, then move on. you will survive. don't over-analyze too much, it's a waste of time, an added stress and usually holds you back from realizing what you desire deep down. enjoy the ups and downs -- a balance is needed to appreciate the true beauty and joy of living. i often wonder how my parents feel, seeing their children as adults? re-evaluating their lives, where they have come from, where they have gone, what they have experienced...

here's to the journey. can't wait to see what's waiting ahead.

3 weeks, 5 days

it's bizarre to think that everything will be completely different in 3 weeks and 5 days. i will no longer be able to look out and see beauty around me, hear the sweet sounds of children , or breathe in the crisp, fresh air. the people that have come to be like my second family and dearest friends will soon be miles away. everything i have come to know, accept and cherish will be taken away in a flash. sure, there is a telephone, but it's nowhere near the same. the things and people who warm my heart and bring smiles and laughter will no longer be so attainable or accessible. i know i'm not exactly the same person i was 2 years ago; so much has been experienced and exchanged. i've grown. i've felt. i've changed. it's expected, especially after such time as 2 years. much of my beliefs and mores have been further solidified... my outlook, further grounded.

routine is what makes things normal and comfortable. it is when routine changes that the world spins. i've lived it my entire life. i know the rules of the game, so i have no doubt that i will find my way, as i always have. it's just it might hurt a little bit more this time; i found something deeper this time around... my eyes are more open and my heart unleashed. i see the world different. things i perhaps once overlooked are now ever clear. i've learned to embrace the here and now, the small moments of life in time. life doesn't wait for anything. we are living it, whether we realize it or not. life doesn't wait for plans to be realized. it keeps going on, though we get distracted by the frivolous stresses. it holds us back from the important things and creates fear. we end up missing out and later on regretting.

we must learn to decipher between the important and the frivolous. seize the moments. we have this life to make the most of it. we can't be so afraid to live and try... if we fail, we get back up, dust ourselves off and try again. we have to be bold and confident, ready to face the world and make the most of it. things happen for a reason, if we are open to it we can see the hints, and clues, if not we get bypassed. we have to leave space. sometimes we get too sidetracked and we miss the 'real' things.

it's not every day you get the opportunity to meet somebody with whom you have such a connection. someone you feel you have known all of your life. someone who loves you as much if not more than the amount you love them. someone you can be yourself with, no fuss, no muss. someone who makes you feel home and love with one touch or embrace. the sound of their voice, or their scent, or the glimpse of their face makes you shine like the rays of the sun. someone who makes you a better person and reinforces even the trivial emotions and thoughts you try to hide from the world. yes, this is life: right here, right now, as i write this and even later on when i read this over.

catch the signals. don't let it pass you by. don't let others hold you back and miss out (because they are blinded). if it is meant to be, it will happen, something will present itself and an effort can be made and strength can be found. what will be, will be and we must learn to live and let life and love take it's course.

blue moon

he stopped,
took me in his arms,
stared deep into my eyes
and said he was looking for a word
more profound and deeper than i love you...
it wasn't enough.

he pulled me tighter and closer,
whispered he adored me
and kissed me.

we looked at the moon shining so gloriously
and he said it was for us.

goosebumps and butterflies,
still there,
nearly two years later.

nature

nature is at the root of everything...
life and the occurrences which accompany it.
nature dictates what happens and what is to be.
it regulates.
finds a happy balance between good and bad,
sweet and sour,
pain and joy,
love and heartbreak,
anger and kindness,
peace and war,
creation and destruction.

things happen for reasons unknown to us,
but all at the discretion and certainty of nature.
we can't control the path of nature;
we are mere vehicles in the cycle.
we either remain open so as not to miss the signs
or
we get too caught up and ignore them and in the process,
miss the experiences nature offers to us.
but,
it's always there,
a few steps before us...
we just need to pay more attention.

we can take comfort in nature,
knowing many things are bigger than us,
there is little we can do
and we must strive to just keep our heads up
and not get too knocked down by what's coming.

everything has a reason and a purpose,
though we may never until later.
stress antagonizes nature,
and it works against 'letting things be and happen.'
in these moments of great uncertainty,
we can take refuge in nature
and if we work with nature we can survive
and gain strength and knowledge.
it's a process...

moment : emotion

one glance, one touch, three words.
love deeply felt and exchanged.
time flying past, thoughts racing.
desperate to savor each fleeting moment.
so many obstacles, yet here we find ourselves.
day in, day out.
i kept catching him staring...
he tried so hard to pretend he wasn't.
it broke my heart even more.
i fought the tears,
but so they found their way out,
burning ever so much with every drop.
i tried hard to capture the moment...
capture his scent, his touch, his eyes, the emotion.
he held me so tightly,
gazing deeply and taking in his own moment.
i know he was playing strong and brave,
not wanting to let his guard down,
look vulnerable.
his eyes showing his genuine, caring heart;
a quick peek inside.
we laid there, locked in each others' embrace.

the soul lies deep within

there is no greater feeling than to be locked in his gaze and his embrace.
this love is inexplicable...
a beautiful challenge.
he notices the smallest details and keeps them locked away in his memories.
i find myself seeking refuge in my dreams;
they are filled with the possibilities of what could/might be;
they give me hope --
which could be blinded love and empty hope.
a sad, naive concept.
have i become a blinded little girl,
lost in false hopes?
overcome by passion?
is this for real?
or just a passionate overwhelmence?
i find myself longing for him,
his touch,
his embrace,
his presence.
i love to gaze into his soul and hear of his passions,
desires and dreams.
i have witnessed his growth and maturity,
the seriousness of his ways and actions,
...
his perspective has altered;
things are lining up.
love is a blurring force of nature.
i keep finding myself trying to keep balanced and level-headed.
i don't want to get too swept up and then find myself falling hard,
so hard in fact that i won't be able to be the same.
i've suffered before and found myself struggling to try again,
hesitant to let myself be vulnerable again.
but without taking a risk and jumping in,
one would never know what could be,
and so comes the good with the bad,
for that is the beauty of life.

home

every trip home is a rude awakening,
marked with guilt, grief and frustration.
i appreciate the time home,
but it's always foreshadowed by something.

i get that uneasy feeling and flashbacks to my youth...
(and it never really feels like home unless everyone is present).

this past time at home was a bit over the top,
not that most times aren't,
but in a different kind of way.
it seemed like we were all so disconnected from one another.
all strangers pretending we knew each other.
there wasn't much to talk about during the lulls
and it was stark silence except for meaningless fillers.

i don't get it.
when did we all become like this?
we're a family and yet we act least like a functioning family...
perhaps functioning isn't so fair a term to use,
but it's the best i can do at the moment.
it's emotionally draining.
i feel like i have to be someone else to please everyone
and not talk or god forbid i offend and piss everyone off.
so, i turn into a silent mute who just watches everything and everyone.
i try not to offend.
i try to prove my genuine,
undying love,
and,
above all,
i try to keep everyone happy.

if we could all see and accept that we are merely humans,
trying to make sense of this thing called life,
and that we're in it together,
well,
i feel we'd have a better chance.
we have somehow been connected together,
probably for a reason,
whether to help one another,
or for some invisible and unknown reason.
we should strive to encourage one another
and build one another up when we fall on hard times...
instead we dwell on the negatives and let it hold us back.

and so comes 2011

happy new year,
2011.
time is flying by.
my time here is soon coming to an end,
and a new chapter awaits me.
i cherish these fleeting moments,
and the memories they have marked on me.
equally,
there is a time and place for everything.

two years ago seemed an eternity two years ago;
now it seems shorter than the blink of an eye.
so it goes.

every year that passes on,
i grow more and more at ease with life and living every day,
fulfilling joy,
beauty,
happiness,
and love.