here i am, letting go...

Had an exercise this morning:

be real with myself, let go of anxiety-which is trying to 'make' everything perfect.

I've got to let go.

By making everyone else happy I sacrifice my true desires.

What the hell do I really want?
Why is it so difficult to let myself realize these desires?
What is it I'm hiding from?
What is at the root of all of this?

I don't know if I really truly want school... A big portion doesn't, I just feel like its something I 'have' to accomplish, part of the checklist in life. Is that really enough? I haven't decided..

What I do know is I'm tired of putting these things to the side: saying soon come, when the time is right, eventually, once I do this then that, yada yada...

Why can't I level with myself freely?

I want to fulfill so much but I can only do one thing at a time, breathe and stay focused, on par.

I'm fighting the system too much, I need to relax and let go... Take it step by step.

I have nobody to please; it shouldn't be about pleasing anyone...

I've confused pleasing for desire and its caused a disconnect in my outlook and course of direction.

It IS about fulfilling MY dreams and goals.. Not for others but MYself.

Its my life, what do I truly want?

I need to seize it and if I stumble, well I stumble, I'm a tough cookie, bruises don't bother me, scars are reminders to me, and help give me perspective and guidance.

If I totally fall, well I can get back up and try again-- as long as I've got life I've got everything I need. Everything else is bonus or superficial, its being able to distinguish the difference that matters most.

I'm taking my time and I'm owning it and I'm no longer wasting it or giving it away to foolishness (ie: like those 4 years of architecture school where I literally conditioned myself to sacrificial/burn out mode). It was a total waste of energy and time, in part because I realized halfway I didn't want that, I didn't want to be that or do it, sure I stuck it out, but for what purpose.. Here I am.

I take is as par for the course, further enlightenment, seeing the world differently but that's about it. My dreams are bigger than designing stupid buildings... My heart wants more than that.

So I'm trying to let go in hopes of hearing god or krishna or allah or jah or the universe, whatever u want to call the higher ranking order in life.

I can't fight who I am, but I can only make myself better -- and so here I am.

i feel it

where do i begin... i feel god's blessings despite the situation not being to my liking. i have to realize there is a bigger picture and it's the small things that require attention and appreciation. i am grateful, i have a loving husband who does all he can and more for me..., we just celebrated a year of marriage..., it's been about 3 years and we still feel like no time has passed..., we still manage to revel in the joy versus the downfalls surrounding us... it was difficult to swallow being solo, completely -- i opted to occupy and distract myself by going to the beach... where i was surrounded by families left and right. not exactly the distraction i had hoped for.. tried to just let it be. i thought back to what had led me to that point. i focused n the memories of the moments and pretty soon i forgot all about the unfortunate circumstances and the love and joy comforted me. it was overall a rough day to be so far apart from him, but we survived, shared love and laughter and did our best naturally.

we are being tested in our faith, outlook and patience -- obviously it's a course we have to face through together for some reason. better to embrace it all then fight it. so.. me being here is an attempt to embrace it, doing something i choose to do with people i choose to be around. i am the author of my dreams -- i cannot be mad at anybody or blame anyone but myself. when i can swallow that i can move forward positively and without hesitation. i'm the only one standing in my way. it could be because i'm slightly scared underneath it all or that i need time to really get my ducks in line... a lot of that sounds about right and could fit the bill. i'm trying to be here, present now, paying attention to the signs along the way. my goal is to actively release the unnecessary stress, worry and anxiety. if i mess up, well i mess up, better i do it for the right and true reasons for it will make the comeback that much sweeter. this i pray.

happy anniversary to my bff

a year ago today we embarked on an early morning road trip to mandeville, got our papers in order, drove to may pen to register and headed to the pastor's house... you and smiley gathering my bouquet. the portia pin. the mini and xxl blazers. the singing. we loved him at first meeting, as he talked about the importance of marriage and god's blessings, you squeezed my hand, smiling every second. the tears streaming down your face as you tried to get through your vows. your hands trembling in mine. i tried so hard to keep my composure. everything around us was faded and you were sooo bright, this love, this life, this force within you that just takes over everything around you. we did it and the two of us were beaming and shining. the pastor loved us so much he climbed in his tree to gather us mangos and we all took part as one. the ital shop around the corner that we took over hosted our dinner. it was beautiful. that whole day, and all the hoops we had to jump, ... all of it. i laughed, i cried, i felt everything. for so long we had talked about it and then finally it had happened.

it was the best day of my life and i would do it again in a heartbeat. you are my joy and a magnification to my happiness. your love is mind-blowing and every day i feel ever blessed to have you in my life. i wish you the utmost happiness... it's been an amazing 3 years being with you, through all our ups and downs we've had to face, we faced them boldly together and came out ever stronger. but it has been a more amazing year having you as my husband. i'm truly blessed to have you as my best friends and my partner in life. you bring such joy, sweetness and completeness to my life. i love you so very much, more than words can actually begin to describe. you make me so very happy my darling! you truly are my favorite combo package :)

i look forward to more years and moments of joy and celebration with you. i'll never forget when i first laid eyes on you all the way to when we became husband and wife. today my soul is beaming sweetheart! whether you know it or not, you have helped me learn and overcome a lot... opened my eyes to the things i maybe didn't think about, especially family and i am ever thankful!

your smile was captivating, your personality ever charming and endearing, your laughter perfectly genuine, but it was your heart and soul that won me over... your beautiful spirit. i cannot explain the love for you, in my heart, being and soul... god only knows the full spectrum. i just hope our children will have your beautiful spirit  outside and in. you make me feel they would be so precious and sweet just be your actions. that's why i have to love you so very much.

so even though we are miles apart on our big day, i hope you can take comfort in my feelings and the truth in my heart. one day this big challenge we have had to face will be behind us and we can laugh as we look back fondly on how close we remained despite the distance. i love you forever and always from the bottom of my heart. have a beautiful day and stay ever blessed.