some doors close, so that others can open

so, things happen for a reason, I'll be the first to attest to that... after 2 weeks of going insane, trying to find funding for germany, nothing came though... nobody would give me the money and there were no other alternatives. i searched high and low, relentlessly, and then i realized there has to be a reason why this isn't working out. After much thought and meditation I have moved on... I had left london open, so as it is, even though ridiculously expensive, it seems that it is what is to be. maybe there is a reason for me to go there... it is only 1 year, it's just as good of a program, if not better than germany and being in london could leave me with a stellar job, considering all the top urban development ngos are founded there. i just finished the loan applications and i feel at peace about it. i mean it will all work out how it is supposed to and i have to let that go and let it be.

my family is still a mess, but i know it will work out one day. i can only be me and i can only be the best i can be, right? so, i am doing it. i am being me. living my life positively and seeking out my goals, dreams and ambitions. i have the love and support of an amazing man, children, family and not to mention my most amazing and supportive friends. so, even a bump in the road like this is unfortunate, but i know in time wounds will mend and we'll be able to hopefully move on. i cannot dwell on that which i cannot control.

words to live by

'don't follow the crowd,

but step softly among human hearts.

train your mind to think big.

expand your mind until it encircles the universe.

stop fussing over little things,

over useless people,

and fill your mind with new ideals and fresh purpose.

pick up the pieces

i'm sorry my choices and decisions have been left field of their dreams and ambitions,
but love is never as you plan it...
it happens.
that's the beauty of it.
i am so completely in love
and i wish they could see this beautiful man for who he is
instead of what they think he is.

i had a serious breakdown up in tennessee,
i think the stress and exhaustion mounted
and as soon as he called for the evening i just broke down.
i mean on the freaking field,
outside during the heat game,
sobbing my eyes out.

he stayed all night on the phone trying to pick up the pieces.
he feels like shit because he feels he has a lot to do with it
and he never wanted anything like this to come about.
my god.
i just can't manage the drama.
i was so happy
and then i came home
and same shit.

i haven't been in this much pain in a long time.
and it breaks my heart to see the situation.
all of this emotion and drama
because of close minds
and dreams
and not being able to let go of your children.
i wish they could see this is causing so much more harm than help.

i just want to survive this...
make it to school and live my life.
if they are going to put this much fucking emphasis on success
and future
and so-called ambition
i wont fit in here
because my ideals and outlook are very different.
and its a miracle i found someone who shares those same things.

i don't see age,
or color,
or status,
or image,
or possessions
or any of these things...

i see a person for who they truly and genuinely are.
i see a pure soul.
i see someone who has become my best friend
and who i can talk for hours till i'm blue in the face
about whatever and never get bored.
i see someone who loves me for me
and cherishes all the small details.

i don't get bombarded with all the nonsense,
i see above it.
so i'm sorry for them.
but i made up my mind and frankly
i don't see it as being selfish or immature.
i see it as being tired of bullshit and standing up in what i believe.

i have faith

this has been one of the most challenging moments for me.

i've been facing so much all at once and though it's breaking my heart,
i'm trying to see the bigger picture,
realize life will go on,
the pieces will somehow find their way back together.

it could take a lifetime,
but at some point it has to happen.

i have faith.

i know i have been true to myself,
to my desires,
to pursuing my happiness,
my joy,
and above all love.

i cannot apologize for that,
for i am not sorry i am living life fully,
without regret,
nor for the happiness of others.

life is much too short to sacrifice,
much less to give up on love,
happiness,
joy.

if we don't seize the moments that the universe has laid out before us,
we will come to regret it later on,
claim we were blindsided,
we were too busy,
we missed the signs...

the sweetest things are those which you have to fight for.
the highs and the lows,
they need a balance;
too much of one thing is poisonous.

with a pure heart,
pure intentions,
and love,
anything can be a possibility.

i have faith.

taking cues from the universe

another year has passed... i am now 26.
it just seems the years are flying by without much control.
i recently finished my two year stint in the bushes of jamaica.
i am trying to stay sane and re-adapt back to the norms of the states,
though i feel i may never actually fit ...
that's been something which has always been a struggle,
trying to fit into life here.

it won't be much longer though,
i'll soon be off again,
off to make life and meaning somewhere else.
as i get older its the people in my life
that make the moments and the places.
that seems to be the one thing in my life that has remained constant,
the people in my life.
i cherish them indeed and feel most fortunate to have them in my life.

recently,
while catching up with some old friends,
the topic of destiny,
fate,
the universe's plans,
nature's desires,
...
all came into discussion.

more and more i am convinced
that the universe sends us messages and signs,
we must have an open-mind to see these things.
the farther we move from nature and ourselves,
we lose sight of the ability to communicate with the universe.

we must check ourselves regularly
to prevent these moments of darkness and cloudiness.
and when we feel we have reached our rock bottom,
realize there is something waiting out there,
it will get better.
we just have to stay positive,
remember without life we have nothing,
so as long as we are alive,
healthy,
and capable of functioning,
we have so very much.
it's the little things in life
and when we have that plus,
we are free to live life fully.

life is much too short to lose sight of what's most valued and important.
it's only natural we all have different views on this,
we are all human,
and each have very unique and different perspectives,
because of our experiences or backgrounds.
but with an open-mind,
we can reach so much farther and see so much more.

it's truly beautiful
when we learn to accept people and situations
and move on,
trying to be the best we possibly can be,
letting our joy,
happiness and love shine on the world.
whether we want to believe it or not,
it makes a difference.

be a radiating lighthouse of inspiration and affect those around you.

a promise

i adore you my darling.

every day i feel blessed to have you in my life.
my whole life i was waiting for you
and there you were,
standing there before me.
i love you with all of my heart,
might,
and strength.

they say true love is hard to come by
and if you should be fortunate enough to stumble upon it,
seize it.
i've come to realize life is continuous;
it doesn't wait for plans.
i used to sacrifice life,
thinking it was on pause while i worked things out.
now i see it clearly.

i don't want to lose this because i feel i have to make things perfect.
i want to live my life fully,
pursuing love,
beauty,
and above all,
happiness.

you are my heart and my desire.
in you i've found what i had been searching for...
this all wasn't just a coincidence,
but rather predestined (in a sense).
and here we are,
we've found one another
and discovered what we both had been yearning for.

i love you so very much my darling.
with you i want to spend the moments yet to be lived
and experienced.
with you i want to explore the unexplored.
your face is the first i want to see when i wake
and the last as i close my eyes to sleep.
with you i want a family
and with you i want to grow old and laugh.

life is much too short to dream
and this life and love that i've discovered with you
is so much too amazing to just let go so easily.
i never dreamed i would find this
but i want you to know i'm ready,
ready to do whatever it takes to realize this.
i'm yours for life if you want me.

ready, steady, go

babe, are you ready?
i'm ready,
if you're ready...
i'm ready to start our forever.
i was waiting for you all along
and it seems you were standing before me.

everything and everyone will have to fall into place.
we have it,
you and me,
we just have to seize it.
i love you with all of my heart,
i hope you know it's true and genuine.
you are my sunshine and my joy.
i want you by my side far into eternity.

my darling,
with you i want to live all the moments life has yet to unfold.
we will work out all the unknowns and uncertainties together.

what do you say darling?
are we ready?