blessings and wealth

checklist:
- life
- no disabilities
- education
- loving husband
- loving parents
- loving brother
- loving step-kids
- perspective
- opportunities, even if small
- ability to travel
- patience
- understanding
- love
- concern
- confidence
- ability
- genuine joy
- ...

i have god/jah/krishna/allah/universe on my side to help me face the stresses of life... whatever my hold ups are i need to find a way to release them and move forward.

furthering education, lack of money, uncertainty, distance from family, ...

i need to let go... things will work out if they are to manifest... i don't know why i need to remind myself, because they always do, even when the way seems impossible or unclear.

i hear it repeatedly, subconsciously -- 'everything will work out,' and deep within i know it will (to an extent), but a part of me fears it will not and i try to control the situation and that fear turns deeper and deeper, until i convince myself otherwise.

so i need to acknowledge this current downfall of mine, letting stress turn to doubt and fear and find another way to face the situation -- headstrong.

i need to realize stress leads to a demise of happiness.. usually wreaks havoc on all good if given enough strength and power. its seeing and learning from this early that i can hopefully avoid these pitfalls.

if school is to happen financially it will.. i cannot kill myself to save money while i become miserable and alone, painstakingly saving every cent so i won't go into debt.

if a baby is to come the time will show itself.. i cannot rush kids but also i cannot disregard it either. the time will present itself somehow and i pray money and security will come with that sign.

i hope one day the family issue will resolve... and with it a sense of peace can take over the silence, pain and disgust. one day, in time i realize...

other uncertainty -- housing, money, family, location, financing, all of it, i'm trying to let it go, realizing it's all bigger than myself... that 'i' alone cannot face it, change it, or make it.

**reminder: tomorrow is a new day, different than yesterday or today or the next day. i can do and/or be anything with some persistence and faith.

food for thought

a very dear friend of mine gave me some food for thought today --

"you've been through a lot this year, and I think it is time you sit down and acknowledge it... you need time to look not just forward, but inside - hug yourself, and welcome yourself in the present time. there's a lot already happening, and you can rest a bit... inside."

packing my bags... yet again.

like the course of action throughout my life, i am yet again moving --

i am blessed and thankful new york was made accessible when i needed it most... everything fell into place without much hitch, which is ironic considering it was never my ambition to live in new york; but so the world turns. i had come up for a 10-day visit for an interview or two with my last few hundred dollars to my name. i managed to land the job and was able to save up a little. with this came the window for reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances, meeting new people, experiencing new things, ... la la la.

i survived the frigid cold and nonsense, holding out for news regarding grad school -- and as it turned out scholarships in new york are a joke, so i decided i would be a fool to pay 80k+ when i could pay a fraction of that back in miami. education really shouldn't be such a unattainable investment, but that's for another day -- anyway, i'm moving... back to st. thomas after all these years. makes total sense i guess. and i'm ecstatic to move forward and not look back.

so here i am trying to pack up all my things and get my stuff in order for next tuesday. i feel good about this. i think it's been long overdue and i'm optimistic about this opportunity and time. we'll see. now to find a way to jamaica come may -- let's see how that will pan out. fingers crossed.

let's rethink these 'trying economic times'

in these trying economic times it's difficult to achieve all of our dreams and ambitions as we had once envisioned it in times past...

life has gotten more expensive,

bills and taxes have increased,

even dollar store bargains have gone up.

i guess in the long run, whatever gets you there is a means to an end?

we should refuse to lose sight of our goals because of a crunch and a less than stimulated job market.

why should we limit ourselves to engineering jobs just because its what's paying the bills these days?

don't they say it takes a village??

well, if that's the case we need all kinds of people;

granted maybe not soo many djs and engineers,

but every one has a place and purpose... and really,

at the end of the day life is about the experience;

so why limit ourselves and our abilities??

live a little.

so maybe it's not so lucrative, but on the other hand, maybe we need to rethink how we live and prioritize what's most important to each and every one of us.

remember --

anything is a possibility these days.

happy earthstrong mr. marley

in remembrance of a remarkable individual who continues to inspire the world... happy earthstrong to your spirit which thrives and brings joy and comfort to all.

"the greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively."

- robert nesta marley

three in greek

sleep patterns or that which the dawn brings about...

4:00am

what is it that stirs me from my sleep at such a time?

lately the action follows through like clockwork....

no matter the deepest of sleep where i may be found,

something triggers my internal alarm and i am nudged rudely awake;

left only to try and find my way back to that well-hidden, calming rest.

my mind afloat,

running through thoughts of the day,

listening to the city buzzing about outside,

i see the spaces of the sidewalks and the streets in my visions,

my eyes grow heavier and heavier,

again i am lulled back to the land of sheep.

7:00am

the sun peers in through the pane,

almost grabbing at my eyelashes playfully

and i fight to run the sleep from my lazy eyes...

the cold air leaking in from the window above my head,

tempts me to further burrow and hide deeper under the covers,

seeking refuge and warmth from the elements which await my presence.

7:30am

time is running along without me,

irked by this, i crawl out from the enveloping warmth and comfort...

i find my way to the startling reality of a cold shower,

i'm reminded a new day awaits,

one in which new possibilities are lurking about,

waiting to be discovered and seized...

like clockwork the phone rings,

i am met with a familiar voice,

(one which usually wakes me if i am so fortunate).

beauty takes me in an embrace met with laughter

and the world,

despite the looming uncertainties,

seems so hopeful and joyful.

this is what it's about...

those moments.

through that i am armed to face whatever may be laid out before me,

confidently,

humorously,

and delightfully...

making the most of any and every situation;

for i chose to see beauty in all,

i don't have time for the negative drawbacks.

and the day carries on....

some may be more trying than others,

but i know there is greatness within,

and i owe it to myself to seize it;

to manifest it;

to live the life i dream.